Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Update on me

Hey guys,

Well life is slowly getting better for me. I am trying to forget about the past 7 years there had been some good times and bad like every relationship of course.

Although I must say it brought tears to my eyes when I was calling about apartments yesterday because when the guy said do you have a boyfriend and I said no I am single that sounded so odd and it kinda hurt in a way to say no just me and my daughter because until these past few weeks it has been all about John me and Alexis well now there is no John in my life sad to say but there isn't so ya I was telling the truth and I guess the truth hurts...

I am glad the other night John and I actually got to talk even though it was online I finally got things somewhat straightened out between him and I even though it brought tears to my eyes what he was saying and why things went the way they went but the way I look at it is that at least I know...

As for the whole dating thing I am so not ready to do that and don't think I will be ready for a while I like the fact that I have only slept with one person in 22 years I think that is pretty damn good and I really don't think that if I wasn't good enough for John then who am I good for is there anyone out there? Another question is do I really want to go through that again like really love someone and that someone just tells you one day that they stopped loving you I really don't think I could handle that again and well before John I was petrified of John like I wouldn't even go near him but slowly he gained my trust and then I wasn't scared anymore once I had forgot about my childhood fears and moved on....I am not saying that I still don't about being molested and raped because I do, but thanks to John I wasn't scared of him anymore and once I let down my guard then it just got better from there on.

Alexis is doing great I love seeing her 1st thing in the morning and love being with her as much as I can because the day is going to come that I won't have her whenever I want her she won't always be with me and that scares me no not because she is going to be with John but the reason is at least I have somebody around around a baby or not she is someone to keep me company. She will be 11 months on the 10th and it is so hard to believe I keep replaying in my head the day she was born and how proud John was to be her daddy and even though he told the nurse he didn't want to hold her he ended up holding her and he was happy you could see it in his face.

Well that is all the news for now I will update you guys later.

G2G bye!

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