The reasons...

Hey guys,

I know you are probably wondering how ive been and honestly lately because of Christmas I have been up and down. I will explain to you why as I type this post...

When I was a little girl Christmas used to be a happy time, fun laughing playing we always opened a present on Christmas Eve that was always our tradition. When dad used to work at the mine there was always a Christmas party for us kids and they always gave us a present my favorite present was my puppy named Paws(packed away now). Amanda and I would usually open that present on Christmas Eve and then the rest Christmas day. We would wake our parents up bright and early and just be kids. It was always good family bonding time and mom and dad always took us for a drive to look at all the pretty lights and decorations that ppl went out of their way doing. Here is one of the reasons that Christmas isn't the same or special anymore at all:(

When I was in grade 6 it was a nice Christmas Eve night, dad had come home with pizza and a dozen roses it was so nice and something he rarely did because he work 3 jobs and just wasn't around. Well mom decided that was the night she was going to tell him she was leaving to move out with her bf (dad's best friend) well that was the end of the most wonderful night. Mom left us there with dad and she left to go to her new place and I remember crying so hard that night it was just an awful time. I know that Christmas was ruined and ever since that time I never enjoyed it, it was always a fight who was going to get us and when and a bunch of other shit. Another reason is because now I have had someone I loved to spend Christmas with and now that has been taken away and I just really don't want to spend Christmas with anyone besides myself, ppl just don't get that I want to be alone but I am hurting inside and all the bad memories are coming back and I don't want to remember them I feel there is nothing to celebrate so why bother? I realize I have Alexis but I am letting Jon take her because hopefully next year I will be out west with her for Christmas if he ever lets me go with her.

Alexis started walking some more today I wish Jon could see all the things he is missing, but maybe he will over the hoildays I hope. He told me that he is probably going to Tami's for Christmas and I am happy for him I honestly am. I told him if he is to take Alexis with her because I can't give her a good Christmas this year, but he can I know he can.

I got new contacts and I am loving them taking some time to get used to and putting them in isn't always easy. I just want to feel better about myself and not be so down all the time and be happy and let ppl know I am happy and lately it hasn't been that at all I just want that back again. I seem to be fighting with Amanda all the time again maybe because she is the baby of the family and gets away with so much, she has her own car she can come and go as she pleases and well I can't because I can't past a stupid road test and it pisses me off because I really want and need my licence.

The new house is coming along slowly, they said it will now be February before we can move in which really isn't that far away. I really can't wait to move out of here it is just too small and crowded and wayyyyy toooo many memories for me and right now on top of everything else I can't deal with that.

Well that is all for now I will write when I can. I will be here all alone so you might hear from me more than ever over the hoildays:)

G2G Bye!