Hey guys,
Today has been great and just plain wonderful! It feels so good to say that just because of all the shit I have been through lately it was nice to have a break from all the bad memories and today I concentrated on the good memories that we shared and that seemed to help alot. I must say I had a busy non stop day though I am finally winding down now and trying desperately to get Alexis to sleep...hopefully she crashes soon that would be great!
Well I am on a new med it is called Effexcer so hopefully even though as my Doctor pointed out I am still in this situation as much as I don't want to be I have to be for now. Anyway I looked at him today and said I just want to be happy again and feel the way I did when I was with John. He said he couldn't tell me that this was going to work so he is only trying it and he is increasing the dosage slowly so a week at a time. I took my first 1 today so we will see how that goes.
Well anyway I will now tell you why I had such a good day...I woke up and got ready showered and headed for town then I went and met John's parents at least they still like me that helps alot knowing I will always have their support and that they will always be there for me. Anyway I did some running around with them. I got my hair cut and styled so that was nice and my hair feels so soft now so that is great. I walked to meet up with his parents again and off I went to do some more running around and then I had my doctor's appt which didn't go the way I wanted it to but hopefully I am back to normal very soon and before I know it. After that I went and picked up my perscription and went back to the Mackays so that wasn't too bad I didn't want to be there but I had to be so I could feed Alexis and take care of her and Amanda was coming to get me in a couple of hours so it wasn't to bad. John was amazingly nice to me and that felt so good and it reminded me of old times and all I thought about was the good ones I left the bad ones behind this time. I went and bought them sugar because they had none so that was awesome and they were happy about that one. I didn't realize how expensive sugar was untill you have to buy it lol.
Anyway it has just been a wonder day and I hope are more to follow it because that would be great! I will write more but right now I am off to bed because Alexis FINALLY went to sleep so that is great and when she is asleep that means her mommy can sleep.
G2G Bye!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Don't know what to think...
Hey guys,
I seem to be on the go now alot especially with this week, but once it is over with then I think it will slow down again. I mean I am doing a course and I am loving it, and it is good and teaching me alot but then when I come home again everything hit me again and it is like BANG everything hits me and it hits me hard BIG time!
Well I have had to be at my ex's and as much as I miss it there I don't want to be there at all so I try to get Alexis and take her out and that is what I have been doing when I have had to be there and then when I have to go somewhere John's mom takes her and watches her so I can do that. If it wasn't for John's mom then I wouldn't be able to have a life without Alexis(ok that sounds bad but I mean like the courses I am taking Alexis can't be there with me when I am doing them so that is all I meant by that, don't get me wrong I love my daughter I really do she is my everything and always will be!) So I really think highly of John's mom and thank her everyday and I call her everyday just to see how she is. She still thinks of me as her daughter-inlaw and I asked her not too but she does why I don't know because I am not I am nothing to her anymore yes even though John and I were not married but she has know me for 7 years so it is almost as we were married and she thinks as me as hers when I know and she knows that I will never be.
I did have alot of fun tonight just playing in the park although I had to find one that John and his gf didn't fool around in because I didn't want to be reminded of the bad things that went wrong so yah we went and played on all the equipment it was nice to get away and have fun for once and do something for me for once. I still think of my life alot and all the mistakes I made and all the times I had some were good some were bad but they are still in my head and I see them over and over again they seem to be on replay.
As I was talking to one of my friends tonight I looked at them and said you know what John makes me feel like I am a nobody worthless no good to anyone I am nothing and if I wasn't good enough for a MacKay boy then who am I good enough for that person couldn't argue with me and they knew it was the truth and the truth hurts but there is nothing I can do about that now is there? I ask myself everyday if I was different then would he have loved me? and I really don't know that answer but like a movie I hear it and see it everywhere I go and everything I do reminds something about John...He gave me a key chain once and he even picked it out himself and to this day it is my favorite and key chains are something I collect so it means alot to me and it was a silver heart and it had the poem or saying on it "I LOVE YOU TODAY FOREVER AND ALWAYS" to me if you give someone that you are susposed to mean it I don't know maybe that is just me but I love my key chain and even got all teary eyed when he gave it to me it was the sweetest thing and it came from his heart.
In the near future I just want to be me and find out where I belong and who I belong too in this world that is my goal and I attend to reach it and find my destination and then maybe just maybe I might be myself the happy person I was when I started going out with John those few years ago. I was happy to have a boyfriend that young and to still have one throughout high school and graduation was a big accomplishment in my life. I loved the idea of belonging to someone and the love I used to get from him was good and I think that is what I miss the most from him is the hugs he would give me or the little kiss he would sneak me I really miss those special moments but things happen for a reason and even though I don't know what that is yet...maybe Mr. Right is just around the corner I think I am meeting someone yes I guy on saturday so I am not sure how I am feeling about that right now because how do I know he isn't like John says he loves me when really he hated me all these years? Am I ready to try again to go through this all over again to wind up being hurt? How can I trust someone else I put all my trust in the man I loved and look wow I am single because I wasn't good enough I didn't make him happy anymore. I honestly did try I just wish he would have left me and not cheated on me first that is what hurts and what is a constant reminder to me.
Anyway I think this is all I have for now I just don't feel any good about myself and I know why and I hope to change that because inside I am an amazing person and I just don't feel that anymore because of everything I have been through. I really want to change and be me again but I am just having issues dealing with everything right now. Well it is bedtime I have a Dr Appt tomorrow so we will see how that goes.
G2G Bye!
I seem to be on the go now alot especially with this week, but once it is over with then I think it will slow down again. I mean I am doing a course and I am loving it, and it is good and teaching me alot but then when I come home again everything hit me again and it is like BANG everything hits me and it hits me hard BIG time!
Well I have had to be at my ex's and as much as I miss it there I don't want to be there at all so I try to get Alexis and take her out and that is what I have been doing when I have had to be there and then when I have to go somewhere John's mom takes her and watches her so I can do that. If it wasn't for John's mom then I wouldn't be able to have a life without Alexis(ok that sounds bad but I mean like the courses I am taking Alexis can't be there with me when I am doing them so that is all I meant by that, don't get me wrong I love my daughter I really do she is my everything and always will be!) So I really think highly of John's mom and thank her everyday and I call her everyday just to see how she is. She still thinks of me as her daughter-inlaw and I asked her not too but she does why I don't know because I am not I am nothing to her anymore yes even though John and I were not married but she has know me for 7 years so it is almost as we were married and she thinks as me as hers when I know and she knows that I will never be.
I did have alot of fun tonight just playing in the park although I had to find one that John and his gf didn't fool around in because I didn't want to be reminded of the bad things that went wrong so yah we went and played on all the equipment it was nice to get away and have fun for once and do something for me for once. I still think of my life alot and all the mistakes I made and all the times I had some were good some were bad but they are still in my head and I see them over and over again they seem to be on replay.
As I was talking to one of my friends tonight I looked at them and said you know what John makes me feel like I am a nobody worthless no good to anyone I am nothing and if I wasn't good enough for a MacKay boy then who am I good enough for that person couldn't argue with me and they knew it was the truth and the truth hurts but there is nothing I can do about that now is there? I ask myself everyday if I was different then would he have loved me? and I really don't know that answer but like a movie I hear it and see it everywhere I go and everything I do reminds something about John...He gave me a key chain once and he even picked it out himself and to this day it is my favorite and key chains are something I collect so it means alot to me and it was a silver heart and it had the poem or saying on it "I LOVE YOU TODAY FOREVER AND ALWAYS" to me if you give someone that you are susposed to mean it I don't know maybe that is just me but I love my key chain and even got all teary eyed when he gave it to me it was the sweetest thing and it came from his heart.
In the near future I just want to be me and find out where I belong and who I belong too in this world that is my goal and I attend to reach it and find my destination and then maybe just maybe I might be myself the happy person I was when I started going out with John those few years ago. I was happy to have a boyfriend that young and to still have one throughout high school and graduation was a big accomplishment in my life. I loved the idea of belonging to someone and the love I used to get from him was good and I think that is what I miss the most from him is the hugs he would give me or the little kiss he would sneak me I really miss those special moments but things happen for a reason and even though I don't know what that is yet...maybe Mr. Right is just around the corner I think I am meeting someone yes I guy on saturday so I am not sure how I am feeling about that right now because how do I know he isn't like John says he loves me when really he hated me all these years? Am I ready to try again to go through this all over again to wind up being hurt? How can I trust someone else I put all my trust in the man I loved and look wow I am single because I wasn't good enough I didn't make him happy anymore. I honestly did try I just wish he would have left me and not cheated on me first that is what hurts and what is a constant reminder to me.
Anyway I think this is all I have for now I just don't feel any good about myself and I know why and I hope to change that because inside I am an amazing person and I just don't feel that anymore because of everything I have been through. I really want to change and be me again but I am just having issues dealing with everything right now. Well it is bedtime I have a Dr Appt tomorrow so we will see how that goes.
G2G Bye!
Monday, September 24, 2007
Made up my mind...
Hey guys,
Well I have been trying not to think about all the bad things that have gone wrong in my life and I am not doing too bad with that one right now. I am currently working on my resume and if anything is frsuterating me it is that for sure!
I have finally made up my mind that I am NOT paying John's jeep payment when it is due next month I just can't do it and be hurt again. I mean if we were together again then yes I would do it for sure and wouldn't think twice about it, but we are not together and I always wind up getting hurt in the end and that isn't fair to me, and I really just can't do that anymore. I am not trying to be mean and I have thought about it alot and all I really can do is wait and sees what happens in the next week or so.
I have had a pretty good day it hasn't been that exciting but it hasn't been bad either. I got up at 11ish(oh trust me my day started at 3:30am) That is when Alexis decided it was time to get up and play(I had other ideas) but anyway she finally went back to sleep and it was all good. John;s mom called so she came and picked up Alexis and me and we headed into town and that is where I did some running around and got things done so I was pleased about that. I went for a walk and tried out the new stroller I love it!! Then I headed back to John's and his gf was just walking through the door and off he went down stairs with her and he didn't even say good bye to Alexis I felt bad for her. I went and got my eye brows waxed and then came back home and noone was here so I was a bit lonely and I really do hate that feeling. I gave Alexis a bath and worked on my resume and well I gave up on that idea and hired someone to help me with it(thanks Lisa!) and then my sister took Alexis and walked around with her for an hour while I could get this done(thanks Amanda!) so that was nice of her and she also got to spend some time with her neice so that was good. Well my resume is done and I am happy for that so now I am off to find a job tomorrow.
Well that is right I have been thinking about going back to work John's mom said she would babysit for me and I figure that me working would be a good thing and that way I can provide for my daughter and not be so fiancially stressed all the time. I am applying to a few places tomorrow and I hope to hear back from them soon. I am really excited about going back to work because I love working and I am hoping I will meet new ppl so that is what I am looking forward too.
Anyway it is getting late and if Alexis does what she did last night then I am in trouble and I also have to be up really early tomorrow morning so I better be getting to bed. I will update tomorrow hopefully on how the job hunting went.
G2G Bye!
Well I have been trying not to think about all the bad things that have gone wrong in my life and I am not doing too bad with that one right now. I am currently working on my resume and if anything is frsuterating me it is that for sure!
I have finally made up my mind that I am NOT paying John's jeep payment when it is due next month I just can't do it and be hurt again. I mean if we were together again then yes I would do it for sure and wouldn't think twice about it, but we are not together and I always wind up getting hurt in the end and that isn't fair to me, and I really just can't do that anymore. I am not trying to be mean and I have thought about it alot and all I really can do is wait and sees what happens in the next week or so.
I have had a pretty good day it hasn't been that exciting but it hasn't been bad either. I got up at 11ish(oh trust me my day started at 3:30am) That is when Alexis decided it was time to get up and play(I had other ideas) but anyway she finally went back to sleep and it was all good. John;s mom called so she came and picked up Alexis and me and we headed into town and that is where I did some running around and got things done so I was pleased about that. I went for a walk and tried out the new stroller I love it!! Then I headed back to John's and his gf was just walking through the door and off he went down stairs with her and he didn't even say good bye to Alexis I felt bad for her. I went and got my eye brows waxed and then came back home and noone was here so I was a bit lonely and I really do hate that feeling. I gave Alexis a bath and worked on my resume and well I gave up on that idea and hired someone to help me with it(thanks Lisa!) and then my sister took Alexis and walked around with her for an hour while I could get this done(thanks Amanda!) so that was nice of her and she also got to spend some time with her neice so that was good. Well my resume is done and I am happy for that so now I am off to find a job tomorrow.
Well that is right I have been thinking about going back to work John's mom said she would babysit for me and I figure that me working would be a good thing and that way I can provide for my daughter and not be so fiancially stressed all the time. I am applying to a few places tomorrow and I hope to hear back from them soon. I am really excited about going back to work because I love working and I am hoping I will meet new ppl so that is what I am looking forward too.
Anyway it is getting late and if Alexis does what she did last night then I am in trouble and I also have to be up really early tomorrow morning so I better be getting to bed. I will update tomorrow hopefully on how the job hunting went.
G2G Bye!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Depression...
Hey guys,
Well depression is getting the best of me that is for sure. I am not sure what to think anymore and I can't help to blame myself for what has gone wrong.
I seem to feel sad and hurt all the time and when I am out here by myself I have alot of time to think about shit and that isn't good because when I start thinking I can't stop and then I find myself crying all over again. This isn't fair to Alexis how can John and I do this to her. I can't even put her down without her thinking I am going to leave her and that makes me more upset.
My life isn't getting any better and I really feel it is getting worst why I don't know maybe it is because I havn't had sex since July 9th and that was with John of course he is the only one I have ever slept with and I thought that was a good thing and now I really don't know what to think anymore I really don't. Sorry if that was too much information but it was on my mind so I had to write it.
Tonight hasn't been an easy night it has been rough a long. The nights always seem lonley now and I hate it I hate everything about it. There is nothing I can do to change any of it because if I could I would so I just have to give it time and that is what I have been trying to do but it isn't easy that is for sure. I don't think there will ever be a day that it will be easy and that I won't have this heartache anymore.
I havn't talk to John in days and that is what my intentions were so I am doing good that way, but I miss him like crazy even if he was an ass or is an ass I still miss having him hug me or kiss me or even just hold me like he used to there I go again on with the thinking I need to stop doing this it is hurting way to much and I can't take it. I plan on not talking to him EVER again if I can help it when he needs money I am not giving it to him I am all done with that bullshit because it is me that is getting hurt not him.
Anyway that is all what is on my mind for now but if I start thinking again then there will be more I just want to stop crying that would be a good start and then I would take it from there because I try to hold back the tears so no one sees me crying but the truth is I cry myself to sleep almost every night it is an awful feeling and the nights are so lonely I just want someone to cuddle me again like I am used to having. Will that ever happen will I ever have that wonderful feeling of being so close to someone I often wonder????????
G2G Bye!
Well depression is getting the best of me that is for sure. I am not sure what to think anymore and I can't help to blame myself for what has gone wrong.
I seem to feel sad and hurt all the time and when I am out here by myself I have alot of time to think about shit and that isn't good because when I start thinking I can't stop and then I find myself crying all over again. This isn't fair to Alexis how can John and I do this to her. I can't even put her down without her thinking I am going to leave her and that makes me more upset.
My life isn't getting any better and I really feel it is getting worst why I don't know maybe it is because I havn't had sex since July 9th and that was with John of course he is the only one I have ever slept with and I thought that was a good thing and now I really don't know what to think anymore I really don't. Sorry if that was too much information but it was on my mind so I had to write it.
Tonight hasn't been an easy night it has been rough a long. The nights always seem lonley now and I hate it I hate everything about it. There is nothing I can do to change any of it because if I could I would so I just have to give it time and that is what I have been trying to do but it isn't easy that is for sure. I don't think there will ever be a day that it will be easy and that I won't have this heartache anymore.
I havn't talk to John in days and that is what my intentions were so I am doing good that way, but I miss him like crazy even if he was an ass or is an ass I still miss having him hug me or kiss me or even just hold me like he used to there I go again on with the thinking I need to stop doing this it is hurting way to much and I can't take it. I plan on not talking to him EVER again if I can help it when he needs money I am not giving it to him I am all done with that bullshit because it is me that is getting hurt not him.
Anyway that is all what is on my mind for now but if I start thinking again then there will be more I just want to stop crying that would be a good start and then I would take it from there because I try to hold back the tears so no one sees me crying but the truth is I cry myself to sleep almost every night it is an awful feeling and the nights are so lonely I just want someone to cuddle me again like I am used to having. Will that ever happen will I ever have that wonderful feeling of being so close to someone I often wonder????????
G2G Bye!
My future and my pass...
Hey guys,
Well I went and got my tea leaves read yesterday with Jess and well I was surprised by what she told me... The initals stand for the 1st or last name of a guy or girl.
This is what is on my saucer:
1) Big Surprise! A tall man will run into you, you'll talk alot. He might have moved away, or went away on a trip. You either went to school or grew up together. He is interested in you and he will want to know if you are with anyone. He is about 6 ft tall and I will be surprised by him showing up or what he says. This will be a serious, long lasting relationship (maybe J or T inital)
2) Someone "T" will have a baby boy- I am thinking this will be my cousin's husband Tim because Cara(my cousin) is pregnant right now.
3) I will be signing papers for getting a 4 digit sum loan of some sort.
4) I will have a job interview and a job offer in a low building 2 floors stretched out.
This is what my cup had:
1) A good friend or cousin will be married next year with the intial "K" August 2008.
2) I am going to see a Doctor about a serious surgery and everything will be ok though. ( This has already happened, I had surgery on August 9th 2007)
3) Your taking a guy to court, Legal issues, He's a jerk, asshole and fuckhead(according to the reader) who manipulates you and holds the baby(I didn't even tell her I had a baby) over your head. He doesn't do anything for her. You take him to court either with a Lawyer or just Family court in about 9 months -September 2008 it will be a long, drawn out process. He will distance himself away from the baby.
4) New guy will love your child and things are going to work out ok and he will hate baby's father for not loving her.
5) You will be living with this new guy down the road. You will live closer to his family than yours.
6) Your invited to another wedding next year with the inital "A".
7) Purchase of a vehicle, need a car. Get fed up ad will get a car, someone in the family will back you up and help you out.
8) You will pass your drivers test!!!!
9) Funeral of an older, big woman about 5'4" tall. It will be sudden she isn't elderly and the initals are either a "B" or "R". Connected but not close.
10) New guy talks about getting married, you or him may bring up the idea of him adopting my child, it is more his idea than mine. The baby's father will not approve of this and will not sign the papers. Some problems but not arguing.
11) A road trip for 4 girls to the states(USA).
12) Talk about getting a house, it is a family house, lived in house. We do not live with either one of our parents. The house is either a 1 1/2 story or 2 stories.
Well that is all of them so I am not sure what to think of it still. I wish I knew who this guy was that she talked about it is driving me crazy not knowing lol.
Well that is all for tonight will write more later.
G2G Bye!
Well I went and got my tea leaves read yesterday with Jess and well I was surprised by what she told me... The initals stand for the 1st or last name of a guy or girl.
This is what is on my saucer:
1) Big Surprise! A tall man will run into you, you'll talk alot. He might have moved away, or went away on a trip. You either went to school or grew up together. He is interested in you and he will want to know if you are with anyone. He is about 6 ft tall and I will be surprised by him showing up or what he says. This will be a serious, long lasting relationship (maybe J or T inital)
2) Someone "T" will have a baby boy- I am thinking this will be my cousin's husband Tim because Cara(my cousin) is pregnant right now.
3) I will be signing papers for getting a 4 digit sum loan of some sort.
4) I will have a job interview and a job offer in a low building 2 floors stretched out.
This is what my cup had:
1) A good friend or cousin will be married next year with the intial "K" August 2008.
2) I am going to see a Doctor about a serious surgery and everything will be ok though. ( This has already happened, I had surgery on August 9th 2007)
3) Your taking a guy to court, Legal issues, He's a jerk, asshole and fuckhead(according to the reader) who manipulates you and holds the baby(I didn't even tell her I had a baby) over your head. He doesn't do anything for her. You take him to court either with a Lawyer or just Family court in about 9 months -September 2008 it will be a long, drawn out process. He will distance himself away from the baby.
4) New guy will love your child and things are going to work out ok and he will hate baby's father for not loving her.
5) You will be living with this new guy down the road. You will live closer to his family than yours.
6) Your invited to another wedding next year with the inital "A".
7) Purchase of a vehicle, need a car. Get fed up ad will get a car, someone in the family will back you up and help you out.
8) You will pass your drivers test!!!!
9) Funeral of an older, big woman about 5'4" tall. It will be sudden she isn't elderly and the initals are either a "B" or "R". Connected but not close.
10) New guy talks about getting married, you or him may bring up the idea of him adopting my child, it is more his idea than mine. The baby's father will not approve of this and will not sign the papers. Some problems but not arguing.
11) A road trip for 4 girls to the states(USA).
12) Talk about getting a house, it is a family house, lived in house. We do not live with either one of our parents. The house is either a 1 1/2 story or 2 stories.
Well that is all of them so I am not sure what to think of it still. I wish I knew who this guy was that she talked about it is driving me crazy not knowing lol.
Well that is all for tonight will write more later.
G2G Bye!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Don't know what to think...
Hey guys,
I am so confused and my heartache isn't getting better.....not even a little bit. I just want to be back to normal and right now that isn't happening and life isn't like I "pictured" it to be.
I was at the Mackay's and had to leave because when I was outside I just started bawling why I don't know but I did and couldn't help it. I had memeories that kept replaying over and over in my head and that made me think and then I just lost it.
I walked in the house and handed the baby over who was probably covered in her mommy's tears and then I left because I couldn't deal with anything at the time and I still can't I am distancing myself away from that family because it is just too hard and I try not to think about shit and that backfires and just gets thown in my face always in the end and I can't take that.
Anyway I asked myself is there ever going to come a day that I will just stop loving John? He has put me through hell and back these past few months but I can't stop loving him and thinking about him constantly. I just wish he would get out of my head and leave. I love Alexis and when I look at her I see him....she is a spitting image of her father which I am glad that she is but it makes it hard to look at her without thinking of him again, because we have Alexis together it makes it really hard to think and act like he doesn't exist when I know he does and I know Alexis has to see her father, so that is what makes it so harder on me and I really feel sorry for Alexis....this is so not fair to her to be bounced around and back and forth and to see her mother cry all the time I try to hold back the tears but sometimes they just come and I can't stop them as John always called me was a crybaby......
I have to go I just can't take anymore and I am done writing and talking for the night.
G2G Bye!
I am so confused and my heartache isn't getting better.....not even a little bit. I just want to be back to normal and right now that isn't happening and life isn't like I "pictured" it to be.
I was at the Mackay's and had to leave because when I was outside I just started bawling why I don't know but I did and couldn't help it. I had memeories that kept replaying over and over in my head and that made me think and then I just lost it.
I walked in the house and handed the baby over who was probably covered in her mommy's tears and then I left because I couldn't deal with anything at the time and I still can't I am distancing myself away from that family because it is just too hard and I try not to think about shit and that backfires and just gets thown in my face always in the end and I can't take that.
Anyway I asked myself is there ever going to come a day that I will just stop loving John? He has put me through hell and back these past few months but I can't stop loving him and thinking about him constantly. I just wish he would get out of my head and leave. I love Alexis and when I look at her I see him....she is a spitting image of her father which I am glad that she is but it makes it hard to look at her without thinking of him again, because we have Alexis together it makes it really hard to think and act like he doesn't exist when I know he does and I know Alexis has to see her father, so that is what makes it so harder on me and I really feel sorry for Alexis....this is so not fair to her to be bounced around and back and forth and to see her mother cry all the time I try to hold back the tears but sometimes they just come and I can't stop them as John always called me was a crybaby......
I have to go I just can't take anymore and I am done writing and talking for the night.
G2G Bye!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Broken...
Hey guys,
Well I have a broken phone, broken heart I was having an awful day yesterday. I was talking to my dad on my cell while I was cleaning and well I dropped the phone in the toliet(clean water thank god) but still it works but not right so I am going to see what I can do about that. Maybe it can be fixed you never know.
I got thinking about alot of things yesterday and well that just made me more upset I thought about everything from the time I could remember to now and well that made me more depressed. I didn't have an easy childhood, my father was hardly ever around and when he was he was sleeping or busy doing something. He work 3 jobs so he could give us what we needed and wanted and so he could make mom happy because she would have money to spend which always made her happy. My mom left my dad Xmas Eve and left my sister and I with him that night and I remember I wanted to go with mom and dad said if I went to sleep and stopped crying he would give me 25 cents so that was pretty good and I was happy to have that. Our Xmas was ruined and has never been the same from that time on... I met John and he hated Xmas too but together we survived it and went on with the new years to come, and when our daughter was born I think for the both of us it was the best Xmas ever....that was just last year what happens this year she is in a broken family because of her father. I wish for my Xmas wish that he would come back to me and make it work for Alexis and we could be a happy family again.
I don't think I ever want to be with someone new how could I be and if my daughter's father hated me so much then so would all the other guys I know it I was surprised I even had a boyfriend during the school years but I did and that was John and I love him and always will I just wish he would see that I wouldn't do things for him if I didn't love him and cared about him. Yes we had our fights but who doesn't and if he and I got back together I would change I really would why can't he see that I have been trying.
Anyway I still have sucidal thoughts go through my head and I can't control or stop them they are just there and I am afraid of them coming true because if I got upset enough then I know I would just do myself in because right now I just want the pain to go away and it is always still there I may look happy but really I am hurting and slowly I am dying of a broken heart. I know that is what it is from and there is nothing that I can do to fix it but John could he just deosn't want to.
Anyway my pills help me sleep but that is it and there are not helping me other ways like they are susposed to so maybe my doctor will have a solution for me. That is all for now got a baby to go take care of.
G2G Bye!
Well I have a broken phone, broken heart I was having an awful day yesterday. I was talking to my dad on my cell while I was cleaning and well I dropped the phone in the toliet(clean water thank god) but still it works but not right so I am going to see what I can do about that. Maybe it can be fixed you never know.
I got thinking about alot of things yesterday and well that just made me more upset I thought about everything from the time I could remember to now and well that made me more depressed. I didn't have an easy childhood, my father was hardly ever around and when he was he was sleeping or busy doing something. He work 3 jobs so he could give us what we needed and wanted and so he could make mom happy because she would have money to spend which always made her happy. My mom left my dad Xmas Eve and left my sister and I with him that night and I remember I wanted to go with mom and dad said if I went to sleep and stopped crying he would give me 25 cents so that was pretty good and I was happy to have that. Our Xmas was ruined and has never been the same from that time on... I met John and he hated Xmas too but together we survived it and went on with the new years to come, and when our daughter was born I think for the both of us it was the best Xmas ever....that was just last year what happens this year she is in a broken family because of her father. I wish for my Xmas wish that he would come back to me and make it work for Alexis and we could be a happy family again.
I don't think I ever want to be with someone new how could I be and if my daughter's father hated me so much then so would all the other guys I know it I was surprised I even had a boyfriend during the school years but I did and that was John and I love him and always will I just wish he would see that I wouldn't do things for him if I didn't love him and cared about him. Yes we had our fights but who doesn't and if he and I got back together I would change I really would why can't he see that I have been trying.
Anyway I still have sucidal thoughts go through my head and I can't control or stop them they are just there and I am afraid of them coming true because if I got upset enough then I know I would just do myself in because right now I just want the pain to go away and it is always still there I may look happy but really I am hurting and slowly I am dying of a broken heart. I know that is what it is from and there is nothing that I can do to fix it but John could he just deosn't want to.
Anyway my pills help me sleep but that is it and there are not helping me other ways like they are susposed to so maybe my doctor will have a solution for me. That is all for now got a baby to go take care of.
G2G Bye!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)