Depression...

Hey guys,

Well depression is getting the best of me that is for sure. I am not sure what to think anymore and I can't help to blame myself for what has gone wrong.

I seem to feel sad and hurt all the time and when I am out here by myself I have alot of time to think about shit and that isn't good because when I start thinking I can't stop and then I find myself crying all over again. This isn't fair to Alexis how can John and I do this to her. I can't even put her down without her thinking I am going to leave her and that makes me more upset.

My life isn't getting any better and I really feel it is getting worst why I don't know maybe it is because I havn't had sex since July 9th and that was with John of course he is the only one I have ever slept with and I thought that was a good thing and now I really don't know what to think anymore I really don't. Sorry if that was too much information but it was on my mind so I had to write it.

Tonight hasn't been an easy night it has been rough a long. The nights always seem lonley now and I hate it I hate everything about it. There is nothing I can do to change any of it because if I could I would so I just have to give it time and that is what I have been trying to do but it isn't easy that is for sure. I don't think there will ever be a day that it will be easy and that I won't have this heartache anymore.

I havn't talk to John in days and that is what my intentions were so I am doing good that way, but I miss him like crazy even if he was an ass or is an ass I still miss having him hug me or kiss me or even just hold me like he used to there I go again on with the thinking I need to stop doing this it is hurting way to much and I can't take it. I plan on not talking to him EVER again if I can help it when he needs money I am not giving it to him I am all done with that bullshit because it is me that is getting hurt not him.

Anyway that is all what is on my mind for now but if I start thinking again then there will be more I just want to stop crying that would be a good start and then I would take it from there because I try to hold back the tears so no one sees me crying but the truth is I cry myself to sleep almost every night it is an awful feeling and the nights are so lonely I just want someone to cuddle me again like I am used to having. Will that ever happen will I ever have that wonderful feeling of being so close to someone I often wonder????????

G2G Bye!