Hey guys,
I thought life would be getting easier by now and well it isn't not one tiny little bit. I still have major strong feelings for John and I love him to pieces he doesn't have to love me but I know I wil NEVER stop loving him we have been through too much to just forget about all this things we did and we shared, and all the memories some good and some bad.
Well I am still at his parents house and i know I need to leave because seeing them together has made me realize a few things and they are not good and upsetting me like majorly bad:
- I wasn't good enough for him to be seen with me and that is why he NEVER held my hand.
- I really think he felt embarrased of me I mean look at me I really can't say I don't blame him no wonder he wanted someone else.
- He is happy now and with me he wasn't and i was a bitch and a horriable person and I wish I could go back and change time but that wouldn't fix anything he just doesn't love me like I love him.
- I should have been more on the wild side, you know get tattoos and peircings and not be a chicken shit person that I am but I screwed up and didn't get any.
Anyway that is what goes through my head on a daily basis why I feel this way is because of him and I can't live with the fact that I wasn't good enough that hurts alot. I don't think that I will EVER be able to get over the fact that he broke up with me and had someone new the next day. You know what I thought John was different my friend Kelly would tell me things that the guys she was with would do and what they were like and I always told myself I got lucky John isn't like that well I was wrong and now I am hurting real bad from it and noone knows just how bad that really is...
Well I went shopping today and bought myself some new clothes. I have lost a total of 25 pounds in a month so I am happy about that and I am trying to feel good about my body but I don't know I really don't...John used to tell me I was perfect and that he loved me for me well that was all lies and I know that now.
I tried eating today again it was some soup in a cup from Tim's but I drank the juice and that was it I just don't have an appetite to eat anymore and when I do my body makes me feel sick and I was sick enough when I was pregnant with Alexis and don't want to feel like that so when I don't eat I don't feel that way. I just hope it doesn't come to the point where I faint and stuff because that wouldn't be good and I know that but I can't find it in me to force myself to eat.
Alexis is doing great she started opening cupboards and taking things out and is just so playful now it is awesome she certainly keeps me on my toes and going everyday and I love it. It sadens me to know that she will be 1 next month and when I think of that I seem to go back to my brother's wedding day and my nephews....See my brother lives out west and only sees his boys in the summer and sometimes Christmas well when he was going on his honeymoon they didn't understand that he was coming back to get them and take them out west they thought he was leaving again and they wouldn't see him for a very long time and I remember my grandmother sitting there with the 2 boys and just holding and comforting them.....and she looks at Amanda and I and says " this is what happens when you have a broken family, it is harder on the kids" and well she is right I saw how upset my nephews were and all they wanted was their mommy. Well that day I got a thinking to myself that Alexis was lucky that her daddy and I would be together forever and would soon be married and she would have both her parents together. Well as everyone knows that didn't happen he left and I just feel really bad for Alexis because later on she will be the one hurting and she will think it was her fault which it isn't, it is my own and I know that but she doesn't, but I appoligize to her everynight and tell her I am sorry that her mommy is a screwup and that her father had to leave me.
Anyway once again it is late and I am all upset again so it is just time for me to go to bed...
G2G Bye!
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2 comments:
Don't call yourself a screwup. Don't beat yourself up over this. There is no reason for it, and you are a beautiful girl, and all you should worry about is yourself and your daughter. Also, stop worrying about John's financial bills like paying the car payments. He should be paying them. If he ever gives you a drive to somewhere, then pay gas money. But don't pay his car payment. Its not your responsibility anymore. You worry about others way too much before yourself. I was exactly the same way, then I realized it was time to just pay attention to myself and my son. I have been walked all over one too many times, and I have had enough. It does not get you far in life to be walked on. It just gets you empty pockets, and a broken heart too many times.
I agree with Lisa on this one beb. When we get our own place I'll make sure you never have to be unhappy or deal with assholes like John again! You deserve more, and STOP giving him money. He knows you'll always give him money so pretty much your giving him money to fuck his whore! Got back to your moms, I thought you were coming out to my place for the weekend? ma and you and Lexie starting tomarrow. right? let me know and stand up, they know you still love him and they exploiting you!! Please beb we can only help so much!
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