Don't know what to think...

Hey guys,

I am so confused and my heartache isn't getting better.....not even a little bit. I just want to be back to normal and right now that isn't happening and life isn't like I "pictured" it to be.

I was at the Mackay's and had to leave because when I was outside I just started bawling why I don't know but I did and couldn't help it. I had memeories that kept replaying over and over in my head and that made me think and then I just lost it.

I walked in the house and handed the baby over who was probably covered in her mommy's tears and then I left because I couldn't deal with anything at the time and I still can't I am distancing myself away from that family because it is just too hard and I try not to think about shit and that backfires and just gets thown in my face always in the end and I can't take that.

Anyway I asked myself is there ever going to come a day that I will just stop loving John? He has put me through hell and back these past few months but I can't stop loving him and thinking about him constantly. I just wish he would get out of my head and leave. I love Alexis and when I look at her I see him....she is a spitting image of her father which I am glad that she is but it makes it hard to look at her without thinking of him again, because we have Alexis together it makes it really hard to think and act like he doesn't exist when I know he does and I know Alexis has to see her father, so that is what makes it so harder on me and I really feel sorry for Alexis....this is so not fair to her to be bounced around and back and forth and to see her mother cry all the time I try to hold back the tears but sometimes they just come and I can't stop them as John always called me was a crybaby......

I have to go I just can't take anymore and I am done writing and talking for the night.

G2G Bye!