Frustrated

Hey guys,

Well it has been a frustrating few days that is for sure. I have been cleaning up my bedroom and packing John's things it hasn't been easy but it is done now and they are all gone out of mine and Alexis' room so now it is just the 2 of us and I am trying to get used to that.

I can't say that I don't miss John and that I don't think about him day and night because I do I really do but I will stop someday soon I hope.... I am worried about him right now because he is sick reall sick and has been for a few days now he even went to the hospital which he NEVER does so that tells me something right there. I don't know what to think anymore I really don't I am so confused and my heart is still aching but I am trying really hard to just not think of him and trying to forget him, but with Alexis being "our" baby it is really hard because I have to talk to him I don't necessary have to see him but he is the one that insists on me going over to his parents when I wasn't sure what to do.

Yes that is right I am at his parents house and I also did something that I might regret and I might not whose knows later on we will see, but I gave John the car payment money he asked in a differnet way so I made him ask me nicley and he did so I said yes to him but deep down I think he knew I wouldn't let him lose his vechicle he may think I am a bitch and a horriable person but if I was then I would have just said No! I didn't though because I feel bad for him I know he isn't working and either is his girlfriend so since I had the money I just gave it to him if he pays me back someday that would be great if not then well I don't really know what to think but I will get over it I am sure.

I made cookies tonight at his parents house and here is the reason why because when Jonathon and I started going out he called me one night and asked him to make him some chocolate chip cookies so I did well it happened to be Balloon fiesta weekend and his dad's birthday so Elmer got cookies for his birthday and I did that every year from that time on so the time has come around again and I wanted to keep at least that one thing so I made the cookies and apparently they were good I don't know I wasn't hungry I just enjoyed baking them that is all.

I am still not eating like I should be and when I do eat I feel sick right after I do good to eat like 2 spoon fulls and then I am done. I have been like that for a while now and I really don't know why I have no idea what could be causing it but I also don't want to get to the point where I end up passing out and Alexis is screaming and noone is there because very soon I will have our own place and this could happen it scares me to even think about it why I don't know it just does....

These dreams I have been having are very scary I am in a place I dont know and I am laying on the floor meanwhile Alexis is a baby still and just a screaming and crying so hard I can see her and I don't know what is wrong I can't get up but I know she is there and I really don't whats the matter but her cry is upsetting me and I try to get up and I just fall over again and then later on all I see is John Lexie and Tami. am out of the picture and Alexis is much older now so I really don't know what happened but I dream this often and it wakes me up and I am all upset and have been crying in my sleep so I just wish i knew what this meant.

I am thinking about going to see a Physic maybe she or he can help me figure out my life and give me some good news anyway it is just something I have been looking into...

Well life at mom's is crazy and I hate it there and always has unless John was there and then it was soso ok but he and I would have rathered been at his parents. I don't know I am lonely when they are gone but when they come home all they do is fight and bitch at me it has been like that for as long as I can remember and things havn't changed. It got so bad there this evening that I was going to take Alexis and go for a long walk just so I could get away and do something I hate the fact that I don't have my license so I am always stuck in Collina now and can't get a drive to go anywhere so that drives me crazy as well. Well I text John and told him I was leaving because I needed to get out and he convinced to come here. I thought really hard and diddecided to go for it because as he said I needed a break and it is true I did so I am at his parents' house once again. I really wish I could stay away but it doesn't seem to happen I always end up coming back.

well it is late and time for bed.....

G2G Bye!