Hey guys,
As you read this blog you will see that it is about my family hence the title. I decided to write about them bc I miss them and living here in the city now I don't get to see them very often anymore especially my dad he is still always working.
Anyway I will start with my parents who have been wonderful my dad worked long hard hours to support his family and wanted Amanda, James and I to have a great life so he worked 3 jobs to make that happen. I love my dad he taught me so much like how to be a hard worker and how to work for things you want and need and I was the kinda of daughter that was out in the woods with him or out in the hard or in the garage with him working on cars and whatnot. I love spending time with him, my father is an amazing man and he raised us kids right. For that I want to dedicate this song to him... "Daddy's Hands"
Next I will talk about my mom she is awesome and one of a kind you know how you would hear kids say "my mom is cool shit" well it is true that is what my mom is and always have been. We were not grounded as kids and we spent alot of time outside and not in front of the T.V. and I thank her for that I really do. It taught Amanda and I to play and keep ourselves occupied on our own which did alot for me I can't speak for Man but I am sure she feels the same. So here is a song for my mom..."Somebody's Hero"
Next you have my brother James he is 7 years older than me and him and I didn't always get along the best and up untill last year I had no idea why or what I did so I lost it one day and emailed him asking him what makes me different from Amanda and it had nothing to do with that at all. James was jealous of me bc I was my dad's 1st and he adopted James when mom and dad got married therefore he felt left out and jealous of me and he took that out on me. I missed out on alot doing things with my brother and if I could change that I would but I can't so I just have to live with it and accept the fact. James has 2 wonderful boys who I love with all my heart and is now remarried and has been for almost a year now, him and Yumi met outwest although he came back home to be married and then went back outwest. I have not seen him in almost a year and have only talked to him on the phone once in February his bday actually. I see his boys whenever I can and they are doing great and I am happy for them they are getting so big and growing up so fast. Here is the song I send to James and his boys..."I don't call him daddy"
Next would be my sister Amanda she is amazing and I love her so much she has grown into a beautiful young lady and pretty as all go out, she has alot of self confidence that is something I don't have alot of but I am getting better at it slowly. Man has been there through the whole relationship, the breakup everything she has listened to me cry myself to sleep and sometimes she may act like she doesn't care I know she does and since the whole breakup with Jon and Jamie Amanda has been there and we have become closer than ever and I never thought that would happen but it has and I love my little sister and I wish her all the best bc she is great at whatever she does. Here is the song that I have picked out for her..."Sisters"
I am going to talk about my little girl now I love Alexis to pieces I really do without my little girl I can honestly say I don't know where I would be at if I didn't have her in my life. You know it crushes you when you are with someone for 7 years and one day they just look at you and say I wish you were dead that killed me that night I think I would have rather her father stick a knife in me than to say those hurtful words. Alexis is the light of my life I love my baby girl more than anyone or anything in this world and I am doing everything for her I want to give her an awesome life and I want her to look up to me and come to me when something is wrong. I want Alexis to know no matter what takes place over the years she will always be my #1 and I truely mean that. Things may not always be easy when it comes to being a single mom but I try my best and I will continue to do so for Alexis I will always be there for my little girl. Here is the song I thought was best for her..."In my daughter's eyes"
Anyway with all that being said I have a wonderful step family, Clarence is awesome he is a great step father so here is the song for him..."He didn't have to be" My dad's gf is awesome too in her own way, for the longest time she was jealous of Amanda and I but everything seems ok now. I know my dad and her are happy and I am happy for them so that is all what matters.
This is how I am going to end this one, it is late and I am tired and I think I need sleep. My family is very important to me and I don't think I tell them enough like I should. Anyway this chicky boo is off to bed as long as Alexis stays asleep.
G2G Bye!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
Childhood dreams...
Hey Guys,
Well lately I have been sitting here thinking about lots of things my life mainly and Alexis' future. My life isn't how I seen it in all the dreams and the fantasies I had a little girl.
You know everyone pictures their life I know growing up I imagined my future and wondered what it would be like and this was when I was still in Elementary school so alot of years ago. I seen myself with a husband and with a house full of children always running in and out just like my my little sister and I did. You hear all the songs with the house and white picked fence the good husband caring and always there for you. The kids in tons of sports and that is the kind of mom I really wanted to be. I think everyone as a child thinks about their future.
Ok so here is back to reality no matter how much you dream you can never really know what it is like until you experienced it in real life just like I did. I mean I didn't get married there is no such thing as a perfect husband bc in my opinion I think all guys do the same as long as their is a better looking girl interested in them they will leave. I have a beautiful baby girl I just wish I had a family not just me and her and I get so upset when I see a guy and girl holding hands laughing and the daddy is carrying the baby I just really wanted that and I had it for a few months and felt like on top of world I thought I was living the perfect life boy was I wrong.
I am going to be 23 next month and going to be starting school as long as my loans go through alright(fingers crossed) and I just feel like I am going backwards and I know everything happens for a reason but I still don't know what that is yet... I feel like I am being punished for something I didn't do I was a good gf in all the realatioships I have been in I was faithful and truthful and you know you see the movies, where the wife or gf for my case I guess has supper on the table when the guy comes home from work I love to cook and bake and I guess that is the country girl inside me.
Anyway tonight just got me thinking about that and it has been upsetting everything has lately I guess I am afraid of dying alone I don't want that it is my biggest fear that and being replaced by a guy or my daughter I can't help but think that way. This is all I am going to write tonight for I should try to get some sleep and not think anymore.
G2G Bye!
Well lately I have been sitting here thinking about lots of things my life mainly and Alexis' future. My life isn't how I seen it in all the dreams and the fantasies I had a little girl.
You know everyone pictures their life I know growing up I imagined my future and wondered what it would be like and this was when I was still in Elementary school so alot of years ago. I seen myself with a husband and with a house full of children always running in and out just like my my little sister and I did. You hear all the songs with the house and white picked fence the good husband caring and always there for you. The kids in tons of sports and that is the kind of mom I really wanted to be. I think everyone as a child thinks about their future.
Ok so here is back to reality no matter how much you dream you can never really know what it is like until you experienced it in real life just like I did. I mean I didn't get married there is no such thing as a perfect husband bc in my opinion I think all guys do the same as long as their is a better looking girl interested in them they will leave. I have a beautiful baby girl I just wish I had a family not just me and her and I get so upset when I see a guy and girl holding hands laughing and the daddy is carrying the baby I just really wanted that and I had it for a few months and felt like on top of world I thought I was living the perfect life boy was I wrong.
I am going to be 23 next month and going to be starting school as long as my loans go through alright(fingers crossed) and I just feel like I am going backwards and I know everything happens for a reason but I still don't know what that is yet... I feel like I am being punished for something I didn't do I was a good gf in all the realatioships I have been in I was faithful and truthful and you know you see the movies, where the wife or gf for my case I guess has supper on the table when the guy comes home from work I love to cook and bake and I guess that is the country girl inside me.
Anyway tonight just got me thinking about that and it has been upsetting everything has lately I guess I am afraid of dying alone I don't want that it is my biggest fear that and being replaced by a guy or my daughter I can't help but think that way. This is all I am going to write tonight for I should try to get some sleep and not think anymore.
G2G Bye!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Closure...
Hey guys,
So you are probably thinking whats up with the title and no worries I am going to tell you. This is something I should have done a while ago and why I didn't I don't know actually.
Anyway as you all know I went out with Jamie and well things were great untill one day he eneded it no explanation no nothing I was like ok that is strange and yes I will admit it hurt me bc I was just through a really bad breakup and didn't want to go through it again which is exactly what happened but let me explain why it hurt so much...
For starters he filled my head with lies Jamie is what you would classify as a player no other words for it really and I am not trying to be mean. For someone to play head games with you, fill your head with dreams and then crush them to me that is just wrong. I tried my best at being a good gf if he wanted or needed money he got it even though we lived 1 hr away from each other I saw him whenever I could and he came over to my place most weekends it was nice having a guy around again. Anyway he ends up telling me that it wasn't me I was good to him he just wasn't ready for a relationship and yada yada yada. He tells my friend that I wasn't smart enough for him, and that he wasn't happy. What I don't get it why he couldn't have just been honest with me I am a big girl I can handle the truth and if I can't than I have problems. Anyway I just got thinking about that tonight and this is what I have come to realize if a guy doesn't like me for me well than that is their lost I am a good person would do anything for anyone, I am kind, caring and sweet. I have a heart of gold and nerves of steel I would have to after everything I have been through I put up with way to much shit and ppl take advantage of me and that isn't what I am looking for. I am not looking for to be a quick fix for someone like I was for Jamie and he knew that from the start I was honest with him bc honesty is the best and I just don't get it maybe I try to hard sometimes but I seriously don't mean anything by it and I don't even realize I am doing it untill it is too late. I am not a doormat and don't want to be treated like one.
Well that is all I am going to say on that topic it is done and over with and between him and Jonathon they have both taught me so much in the past few months and as I say you live and you learn and that is exactly what I have been doing. I have learned so much and continue to learn new things everyday which is great bc when it comes to Alexis dating I will be an expert on guys so she doesn't make the same stupid mistakes as me bc I wouldn't want her to go through the heatache that I went through I don't wish that upon anyone. Anyway that is all I am going to type it is late now and I have to get some sleep. I will write again when I can.
G2G Bye!
So you are probably thinking whats up with the title and no worries I am going to tell you. This is something I should have done a while ago and why I didn't I don't know actually.
Anyway as you all know I went out with Jamie and well things were great untill one day he eneded it no explanation no nothing I was like ok that is strange and yes I will admit it hurt me bc I was just through a really bad breakup and didn't want to go through it again which is exactly what happened but let me explain why it hurt so much...
For starters he filled my head with lies Jamie is what you would classify as a player no other words for it really and I am not trying to be mean. For someone to play head games with you, fill your head with dreams and then crush them to me that is just wrong. I tried my best at being a good gf if he wanted or needed money he got it even though we lived 1 hr away from each other I saw him whenever I could and he came over to my place most weekends it was nice having a guy around again. Anyway he ends up telling me that it wasn't me I was good to him he just wasn't ready for a relationship and yada yada yada. He tells my friend that I wasn't smart enough for him, and that he wasn't happy. What I don't get it why he couldn't have just been honest with me I am a big girl I can handle the truth and if I can't than I have problems. Anyway I just got thinking about that tonight and this is what I have come to realize if a guy doesn't like me for me well than that is their lost I am a good person would do anything for anyone, I am kind, caring and sweet. I have a heart of gold and nerves of steel I would have to after everything I have been through I put up with way to much shit and ppl take advantage of me and that isn't what I am looking for. I am not looking for to be a quick fix for someone like I was for Jamie and he knew that from the start I was honest with him bc honesty is the best and I just don't get it maybe I try to hard sometimes but I seriously don't mean anything by it and I don't even realize I am doing it untill it is too late. I am not a doormat and don't want to be treated like one.
Well that is all I am going to say on that topic it is done and over with and between him and Jonathon they have both taught me so much in the past few months and as I say you live and you learn and that is exactly what I have been doing. I have learned so much and continue to learn new things everyday which is great bc when it comes to Alexis dating I will be an expert on guys so she doesn't make the same stupid mistakes as me bc I wouldn't want her to go through the heatache that I went through I don't wish that upon anyone. Anyway that is all I am going to type it is late now and I have to get some sleep. I will write again when I can.
G2G Bye!
Friday, May 2, 2008
Loving it...
Hey guys,
Well I am finally all moved and still working on the unpacking and cleaning as I go type thing... but I am slowly getting there with it. I just got everything all hooked up today or I would have wrote last night but couldn't unfortunely.
I absolutely love living here in Saint John there is so much to do and so many places to see I love it I can't say that enough! I had such a wonderful day I was awake by 8am Rogers was here to hook my stuff up that took a couple hours and then I went out for a bit came home cleaned uppacked some more and then I just relaxed for a few minutes I was happy to have internet. Then I had some company and my love seat arrived as a few other things did as well. I organized and put that stuff away and then made supper. After supper I was bored so took myself and Alexis exploring it was a fun time and I now know where lots of places are.
Alexis went to bed last night on her own the 1st time in 18 months she loves it here and as I already said I do too. Tonight she also went to sleep again her own it is amazing and I am not complaining I am happy that she is learning to self-soothe herself. Alexis favorite part about my apartment would have to be the huge ass windows I have here she loves to look out them and say hi to all the ppl walking by. I love my little girl she is so commical and just amazing.
Anyway I have to be going I still have lots to do yet. It is late as well but I just wanted to update you all. Ashlee is also on her way here she couldn't make it last night so we are doing girls night tonight:) I will write again when I can.
G2G Bye!
Well I am finally all moved and still working on the unpacking and cleaning as I go type thing... but I am slowly getting there with it. I just got everything all hooked up today or I would have wrote last night but couldn't unfortunely.
I absolutely love living here in Saint John there is so much to do and so many places to see I love it I can't say that enough! I had such a wonderful day I was awake by 8am Rogers was here to hook my stuff up that took a couple hours and then I went out for a bit came home cleaned uppacked some more and then I just relaxed for a few minutes I was happy to have internet. Then I had some company and my love seat arrived as a few other things did as well. I organized and put that stuff away and then made supper. After supper I was bored so took myself and Alexis exploring it was a fun time and I now know where lots of places are.
Alexis went to bed last night on her own the 1st time in 18 months she loves it here and as I already said I do too. Tonight she also went to sleep again her own it is amazing and I am not complaining I am happy that she is learning to self-soothe herself. Alexis favorite part about my apartment would have to be the huge ass windows I have here she loves to look out them and say hi to all the ppl walking by. I love my little girl she is so commical and just amazing.
Anyway I have to be going I still have lots to do yet. It is late as well but I just wanted to update you all. Ashlee is also on her way here she couldn't make it last night so we are doing girls night tonight:) I will write again when I can.
G2G Bye!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Me like it or not...
Hey guys,
It's been awhile so I thought I would attempt to write again. So much has changed in the past little while I will tell you everything though...
I am moving in less than 2 days to Saint John I am really excited and happy it is time for a change and I really can't wait. I am just sick of Sussex and don't want to be here anymore. I will miss my family and friends they are awesome and always will be!
I will be starting college in June taking Criminology my dreams and goals are finally coming together and I couldn't be happier...about that anyways lol. I will be almost 25 when I am finished school and 23 when I start I guess I am just kinda doing things backwards family first and then school haha oh well it is all good. I am really excited to go back and finish something I started 5 years ago.
Talking about 5 years ago... it is funny Kelly and I were talking this past weekend when I was up there and it has almost been 5 years since I met her and thinking about then and thinking about now wow so much has changed like I am not with Jon THANKGOD!!! and she isn't with Mark anymore and me with my little girl and her with her daughter who was only a baby 5 years ago and now she has her little boy it is just so hard to believe I am so happy I met Kelly back then.
Friends have been wonderful Kassie and Connor are both doing good and he is getting so big. Jess is going to be an aunt and a Godmother to Jon and Tami's baby so that is exciting! Lisa and Noah are doing great and Noah is walking now. Kelly and her 2 kids are wonderful and Landon is walking now, and Kelly is getting married yay Kel I am so happy for you! That is the update on them... I will finally get to meet Ashlee on Thursday we are having a girls night... movies, pizza and wings it's going to be great and I can't wait and then Saturday painting party at my parents house yay:) I love to paint.
Well as everyone would say I am still boy crazy as ever hehe but these past few days I have been doing tons of thinking that is all I do lately... anyway this is what I have come up with if guys don't like me for me well than FUCK THEM!!! Like seriously I am me that is all I am and all I am going to be if they don't like that than they are not worth my time lol. I am sure Mr. Right is out there somewhere but only when the time is right I guess is when I or he will find me. I know in my heart that I am a good person with a good head on my shoulders and I would make someone a good girlfriend I do know this I may not apply it alot but yes I know it.
Some of my plans are when I move is this...
>Explore
>Live my life to the fullest
>Join a gym I love to work out
>Do well in school
>Be a great mom that I am
>Lose the extra weight that I don't need
There are probably more but those are the ones that I can think of right now. I am going to do my best to keep those goals bc I need something to look forward to. This hasn't been an easy time for me but I make do and suck it up and deal with it the best I can. I know deep down things are going to sooooo much better when I move and get settled in and have everything set in place.
Alexis is doing wonderful... she had her 18 month needles the other day and did great with them thats my baby girl for you. Everyday she makes me so proud of her and I have so much love for her and I wouldn't want things any other way she is my life and my everything.
I am tired of ppl calling me a bitch or cunt or whatever else they like to call me. I don't call ppl that so why do they have to say those things about me? I am not into Drama I try to stay away from it as much as possible and I don't think ppl should start it with me and then I am the one that is always made to look like the bad one, but really I am not though.
Anyway I think that does it for tonight it is 4am just about lol. I thinkt that is all the news and anything and everything that is on my mind. When I know more or have anything else bothering me I will be sure to write.
G2G Bye!
It's been awhile so I thought I would attempt to write again. So much has changed in the past little while I will tell you everything though...
I am moving in less than 2 days to Saint John I am really excited and happy it is time for a change and I really can't wait. I am just sick of Sussex and don't want to be here anymore. I will miss my family and friends they are awesome and always will be!
I will be starting college in June taking Criminology my dreams and goals are finally coming together and I couldn't be happier...about that anyways lol. I will be almost 25 when I am finished school and 23 when I start I guess I am just kinda doing things backwards family first and then school haha oh well it is all good. I am really excited to go back and finish something I started 5 years ago.
Talking about 5 years ago... it is funny Kelly and I were talking this past weekend when I was up there and it has almost been 5 years since I met her and thinking about then and thinking about now wow so much has changed like I am not with Jon THANKGOD!!! and she isn't with Mark anymore and me with my little girl and her with her daughter who was only a baby 5 years ago and now she has her little boy it is just so hard to believe I am so happy I met Kelly back then.
Friends have been wonderful Kassie and Connor are both doing good and he is getting so big. Jess is going to be an aunt and a Godmother to Jon and Tami's baby so that is exciting! Lisa and Noah are doing great and Noah is walking now. Kelly and her 2 kids are wonderful and Landon is walking now, and Kelly is getting married yay Kel I am so happy for you! That is the update on them... I will finally get to meet Ashlee on Thursday we are having a girls night... movies, pizza and wings it's going to be great and I can't wait and then Saturday painting party at my parents house yay:) I love to paint.
Well as everyone would say I am still boy crazy as ever hehe but these past few days I have been doing tons of thinking that is all I do lately... anyway this is what I have come up with if guys don't like me for me well than FUCK THEM!!! Like seriously I am me that is all I am and all I am going to be if they don't like that than they are not worth my time lol. I am sure Mr. Right is out there somewhere but only when the time is right I guess is when I or he will find me. I know in my heart that I am a good person with a good head on my shoulders and I would make someone a good girlfriend I do know this I may not apply it alot but yes I know it.
Some of my plans are when I move is this...
>Explore
>Live my life to the fullest
>Join a gym I love to work out
>Do well in school
>Be a great mom that I am
>Lose the extra weight that I don't need
There are probably more but those are the ones that I can think of right now. I am going to do my best to keep those goals bc I need something to look forward to. This hasn't been an easy time for me but I make do and suck it up and deal with it the best I can. I know deep down things are going to sooooo much better when I move and get settled in and have everything set in place.
Alexis is doing wonderful... she had her 18 month needles the other day and did great with them thats my baby girl for you. Everyday she makes me so proud of her and I have so much love for her and I wouldn't want things any other way she is my life and my everything.
I am tired of ppl calling me a bitch or cunt or whatever else they like to call me. I don't call ppl that so why do they have to say those things about me? I am not into Drama I try to stay away from it as much as possible and I don't think ppl should start it with me and then I am the one that is always made to look like the bad one, but really I am not though.
Anyway I think that does it for tonight it is 4am just about lol. I thinkt that is all the news and anything and everything that is on my mind. When I know more or have anything else bothering me I will be sure to write.
G2G Bye!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
I love myself...
Hey guys,
Well I know your probably thinking woah whats up with the title and well I am going to explain to you as I type some more... Alot of things have been happening and I have my bad days but man oh man I have my good days and I love them!
Well for starters I am moving and will be going back to school so that is a huge thing for me. I am scared to death to move to Saint John but it is something I need to do, not just me but for Alexis as well. It helps to know that I will have ppl there so it won't be so bad maybe lonely at nights but that is to be expected your reading about the girl who doesn't even like the dark or to be by herself lol. I am so happy to have been introduced to Ashlee she has been a godsent like wow amazing for sure. She said that she would take me anywhere I needed to go and doesn't want any money for doing that. I offered to pay her but she said she would not accept my money even if she was to drive me to Sussex I am like that is crazy bc Sussex is 1 hr away from where I am moving to. All she told me was to pay it forward and I will. I like that idea and love that movie and if everyone did that what a good world we would live in. I turn 23 on June 20th and will be starting school on June 30th omg not that far away actually wow! I am moving to SJ in May so that gives me a little over a month to find my way around and unpack and all that fun stuff. I am looking forward to a few things actually when I do move...
1) hanging out with friends
2) going for walks with Ashlee(we plan on getting into shape)
3) learning how to live and survive on my own
4) going to school and putting 110% of my effort into my school work
5) meeting new ppl guys or girls
6) finding myself along the way
So those are some things I am really looking forward to when I do actually move there I need to learn how to have some fun as well though and just live my life to the fullest everyday! The thought of living in the city scares me but I know I will be ok and I will always have ppl to back me up and that helps alot with this.
Life has been very busy for me lately with me running to SJ for school appointments there have been alot lately and I know there will be more too. Alexis keeps me extremly busy into everything soooo curious and I am ok with that I like that fact that she can explore and learn new things everyday I think it is wonderful! Lately I have been trying to capture good moments of her so I will always have them like when I am in school and missing her I can go on FB and watch my little girl on video so that hopefully will help but I need to remember I am doing everything for not not just me but her too.
Well I am trying to forget about Jamie, he has totally blocked me out of his life so if he wants to do that than he isn't worth my time anymore sad to say but true. I will always worry about him and wonder how he and his boys are but that is just who I am I do care about ppl even if they hate my guts. As the days go on the pain that I am feeling will fade and I will meet someone knew and probably when I am not looking or expecting it, it is the way those kind of things always go.
The whole reason for my title is bc I need to love myself right now I don't like things about me and I am trying to change them so I can feel good about myself. I have been through alot and all those things that go bad do a # on me and I don't want that. The way I have to look at things are one thing goes bad so two things go good maybe it will help we will see anyway I guess. I am never going to have that special someone to love me for me if I don't even love myself all I will have is some sucker that takes advantage of me which isn't good bc it hurts knowing I was a "quick fix" for someone. That isn't what I just want to be I want to be loved and accepted for me. I don't think that is too much to ask at all but it seems impossible to find a guy like that. Back to what I was saying I am going to work sooooo hard on loving myself and boosting my self-eestem bc really it is low and that isn't good either and I do know this so now it is time for me to come to reality and fix the problems I have with myself, time for me to stop avoiding them and just face them.
That is all the news I have tonight it is extremly late and time for bed. Like as I am typing this it is 1:50am and Alexis will be up before I know it so have a good night. I will update when I can.
G2G Bye!
Well I know your probably thinking woah whats up with the title and well I am going to explain to you as I type some more... Alot of things have been happening and I have my bad days but man oh man I have my good days and I love them!
Well for starters I am moving and will be going back to school so that is a huge thing for me. I am scared to death to move to Saint John but it is something I need to do, not just me but for Alexis as well. It helps to know that I will have ppl there so it won't be so bad maybe lonely at nights but that is to be expected your reading about the girl who doesn't even like the dark or to be by herself lol. I am so happy to have been introduced to Ashlee she has been a godsent like wow amazing for sure. She said that she would take me anywhere I needed to go and doesn't want any money for doing that. I offered to pay her but she said she would not accept my money even if she was to drive me to Sussex I am like that is crazy bc Sussex is 1 hr away from where I am moving to. All she told me was to pay it forward and I will. I like that idea and love that movie and if everyone did that what a good world we would live in. I turn 23 on June 20th and will be starting school on June 30th omg not that far away actually wow! I am moving to SJ in May so that gives me a little over a month to find my way around and unpack and all that fun stuff. I am looking forward to a few things actually when I do move...
1) hanging out with friends
2) going for walks with Ashlee(we plan on getting into shape)
3) learning how to live and survive on my own
4) going to school and putting 110% of my effort into my school work
5) meeting new ppl guys or girls
6) finding myself along the way
So those are some things I am really looking forward to when I do actually move there I need to learn how to have some fun as well though and just live my life to the fullest everyday! The thought of living in the city scares me but I know I will be ok and I will always have ppl to back me up and that helps alot with this.
Life has been very busy for me lately with me running to SJ for school appointments there have been alot lately and I know there will be more too. Alexis keeps me extremly busy into everything soooo curious and I am ok with that I like that fact that she can explore and learn new things everyday I think it is wonderful! Lately I have been trying to capture good moments of her so I will always have them like when I am in school and missing her I can go on FB and watch my little girl on video so that hopefully will help but I need to remember I am doing everything for not not just me but her too.
Well I am trying to forget about Jamie, he has totally blocked me out of his life so if he wants to do that than he isn't worth my time anymore sad to say but true. I will always worry about him and wonder how he and his boys are but that is just who I am I do care about ppl even if they hate my guts. As the days go on the pain that I am feeling will fade and I will meet someone knew and probably when I am not looking or expecting it, it is the way those kind of things always go.
The whole reason for my title is bc I need to love myself right now I don't like things about me and I am trying to change them so I can feel good about myself. I have been through alot and all those things that go bad do a # on me and I don't want that. The way I have to look at things are one thing goes bad so two things go good maybe it will help we will see anyway I guess. I am never going to have that special someone to love me for me if I don't even love myself all I will have is some sucker that takes advantage of me which isn't good bc it hurts knowing I was a "quick fix" for someone. That isn't what I just want to be I want to be loved and accepted for me. I don't think that is too much to ask at all but it seems impossible to find a guy like that. Back to what I was saying I am going to work sooooo hard on loving myself and boosting my self-eestem bc really it is low and that isn't good either and I do know this so now it is time for me to come to reality and fix the problems I have with myself, time for me to stop avoiding them and just face them.
That is all the news I have tonight it is extremly late and time for bed. Like as I am typing this it is 1:50am and Alexis will be up before I know it so have a good night. I will update when I can.
G2G Bye!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Good to bad:(...
Hey guys,
Well alot has happened once again... I thought I was living the perfect life well I was wrong yet again wow I am so bad at being someone girlfriends I guess. Anyway I will explain what has been going on.
Well this past weekend Jamie was here I love it when he comes over and me just being able to see him. Things were good so I thought but now I really don't know. He was sick and not feeling the greatest and my house was way too hot for him I am sorry for that. Other than that we had alot of deep convos and it was good. He went home on Sunday and I went to SJ to see him for a bit and then stayed with Lisa and Noah, Lexie and I did it was a good night. Alexis went to bed no problem so I was happy about that lol. I didn't sleep very much bc I was worried about Jamie and was hoping he was ok. He has Pneumonia and is really sick I feel so bad for him. Well today now I am at Lisa's and he textes me that he is scared and nervous and needs to make arrangements and I am like ok what is wrong and this is where he tells me that he needs time to think and wants to be alone and he is sorry for the way he feels. Right there I started crying it hurt to hear that bc I have heard it before I guess and I really liked and loved Jamie and honestly it hurt worst than what Jon did to me. Anyway I leave Lisa's and go back home to find he changed his and mine relationship status and that is when reality really kicked in and all I have been doing is sitting here crying it just hurts my heart feels broken all over again it is really hard to explain just like it is hard to explain the way he made me feel. Anyway so yeah I guess that is what happened between Jamie and I and I can honestly say I miss him I really do. Anyway maybe when he finds himself than maybe there will be a Jamie and Rebekah who knows right?
Alexis is doing great and had fun this weekend with Jamie and I and she had fun at Lisa's as well. I have finally got things in order when it comes to her so I am pleased with that I have to take a walk down memory lane and I am not ready to do that but I have to for my baby girl so I will and Jamie said he will be there to support me so that helps alot. She is growing and teething and running now but she trips alot it is funny lol.
Anyway I know this one is pretty short but I just don't feel up to writting alot tonight. Might go to bed and try to get some sleep not sure if that will happen or not. Anyway I will keep you guys updated as much as possible when ever that may be lol.
G2G Bye!
Well alot has happened once again... I thought I was living the perfect life well I was wrong yet again wow I am so bad at being someone girlfriends I guess. Anyway I will explain what has been going on.
Well this past weekend Jamie was here I love it when he comes over and me just being able to see him. Things were good so I thought but now I really don't know. He was sick and not feeling the greatest and my house was way too hot for him I am sorry for that. Other than that we had alot of deep convos and it was good. He went home on Sunday and I went to SJ to see him for a bit and then stayed with Lisa and Noah, Lexie and I did it was a good night. Alexis went to bed no problem so I was happy about that lol. I didn't sleep very much bc I was worried about Jamie and was hoping he was ok. He has Pneumonia and is really sick I feel so bad for him. Well today now I am at Lisa's and he textes me that he is scared and nervous and needs to make arrangements and I am like ok what is wrong and this is where he tells me that he needs time to think and wants to be alone and he is sorry for the way he feels. Right there I started crying it hurt to hear that bc I have heard it before I guess and I really liked and loved Jamie and honestly it hurt worst than what Jon did to me. Anyway I leave Lisa's and go back home to find he changed his and mine relationship status and that is when reality really kicked in and all I have been doing is sitting here crying it just hurts my heart feels broken all over again it is really hard to explain just like it is hard to explain the way he made me feel. Anyway so yeah I guess that is what happened between Jamie and I and I can honestly say I miss him I really do. Anyway maybe when he finds himself than maybe there will be a Jamie and Rebekah who knows right?
Alexis is doing great and had fun this weekend with Jamie and I and she had fun at Lisa's as well. I have finally got things in order when it comes to her so I am pleased with that I have to take a walk down memory lane and I am not ready to do that but I have to for my baby girl so I will and Jamie said he will be there to support me so that helps alot. She is growing and teething and running now but she trips alot it is funny lol.
Anyway I know this one is pretty short but I just don't feel up to writting alot tonight. Might go to bed and try to get some sleep not sure if that will happen or not. Anyway I will keep you guys updated as much as possible when ever that may be lol.
G2G Bye!
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