Hey guys,
I know you are probably wondering how ive been and honestly lately because of Christmas I have been up and down. I will explain to you why as I type this post...
When I was a little girl Christmas used to be a happy time, fun laughing playing we always opened a present on Christmas Eve that was always our tradition. When dad used to work at the mine there was always a Christmas party for us kids and they always gave us a present my favorite present was my puppy named Paws(packed away now). Amanda and I would usually open that present on Christmas Eve and then the rest Christmas day. We would wake our parents up bright and early and just be kids. It was always good family bonding time and mom and dad always took us for a drive to look at all the pretty lights and decorations that ppl went out of their way doing. Here is one of the reasons that Christmas isn't the same or special anymore at all:(
When I was in grade 6 it was a nice Christmas Eve night, dad had come home with pizza and a dozen roses it was so nice and something he rarely did because he work 3 jobs and just wasn't around. Well mom decided that was the night she was going to tell him she was leaving to move out with her bf (dad's best friend) well that was the end of the most wonderful night. Mom left us there with dad and she left to go to her new place and I remember crying so hard that night it was just an awful time. I know that Christmas was ruined and ever since that time I never enjoyed it, it was always a fight who was going to get us and when and a bunch of other shit. Another reason is because now I have had someone I loved to spend Christmas with and now that has been taken away and I just really don't want to spend Christmas with anyone besides myself, ppl just don't get that I want to be alone but I am hurting inside and all the bad memories are coming back and I don't want to remember them I feel there is nothing to celebrate so why bother? I realize I have Alexis but I am letting Jon take her because hopefully next year I will be out west with her for Christmas if he ever lets me go with her.
Alexis started walking some more today I wish Jon could see all the things he is missing, but maybe he will over the hoildays I hope. He told me that he is probably going to Tami's for Christmas and I am happy for him I honestly am. I told him if he is to take Alexis with her because I can't give her a good Christmas this year, but he can I know he can.
I got new contacts and I am loving them taking some time to get used to and putting them in isn't always easy. I just want to feel better about myself and not be so down all the time and be happy and let ppl know I am happy and lately it hasn't been that at all I just want that back again. I seem to be fighting with Amanda all the time again maybe because she is the baby of the family and gets away with so much, she has her own car she can come and go as she pleases and well I can't because I can't past a stupid road test and it pisses me off because I really want and need my licence.
The new house is coming along slowly, they said it will now be February before we can move in which really isn't that far away. I really can't wait to move out of here it is just too small and crowded and wayyyyy toooo many memories for me and right now on top of everything else I can't deal with that.
Well that is all for now I will write when I can. I will be here all alone so you might hear from me more than ever over the hoildays:)
G2G Bye!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Things are getting better...
Hey guys,
I have been doing wonderful these last few days and I thankgod for Facebook lol I have found alot of ppl I went to high school with and catching up with them have been great. I really enjoy talking to ppl I havn't talked to in years and to find out ppl liked me but I was taken because I was with Jon wow if I only knew, but then again if Jon and I never got together I wouldn't of had the beautiful baby girl that I do have and she is my everything and people from day one when everything all came crashing down always told me things happen for a reason and well now I see it!
I have been talking to a guy who just came out of a 5 year relationship and he was happy to hear that he wasn't alone lol which is isn't at all. We talked on msn from 11:20pm to 5am my time he lives outwest and is doing great for himself so I am happy for him because that is something that he couldn't have done around here at all Sussex is just too small. I talked to him the next day and he said he felt bad keeping me up I said no you didn't I was happy to have someone to talk to because I couldn't sleep so he said oh in that case no problem it was my pleasure lol. Him and I are going out as friends on the 27th when he comes home for Xmas so I am really excited about that for sure. He told me not to worry about the cost and we could go anywhere I wanted to go I was like Holy Shit! That is just crazy and I even asked him if he was serious lol and he is Jon nevered paid for anything and so that made my jaw dropped down to the floor insane and he said that I should be treated like a princess I was like wow I have never felt that way and he told me that Jon was a dick for doing the things that he has done to me and he said that he will support me in anything I need support in WOW he is just amazing and he really doesn't know how much he has helped me, but anyone that knows me should see the difference I hope.
I was soo mad at Jon last night I have worked so hard on getting Alexis on a schedule and well I called and at 9pm she was eating cake and here she would have been asleep by 8:10pm so I was pretty upset that he wasn't doing his part by keeping her on the schedule that I have started with her and then when she goes to his house it takes me 3 days again to get her back on track and that isn't fair to Alexis or me I don't think anyway. So as soon as I can I am going to talk to Jon and see what I can figure out because I don't know what else to do I really don't.
Alot of things have come up lately and I have been doing alot of thinking and honestly for the best interest of Alexis I am thinking about taking this to court and getting full custody of her and then I really want to move outwest because alot of ppl I know are out there and I miss them the ones I used to hang out with at school. I think I can better my future and better myself adn raise Alexis better out there knowing that I won't have to put up with anymore bullshit from them two because I can't take much more. I will miss everyone here though and all my family and friends, but I want and need to be happy again and if moving away is what it takes then that is what I am going to have to do. I am still going to think long and hard about it though and maybe Jon just might let me move with her and he will see her when I fly home and things just like everyone will. I don't know if I will get that lucky but I should because he is the one that has put me through everything and is driving me away because I don't want to see him or Tami and I have the right to say that.
Alexis took her 1st steps the day she turned 144 months old, but she isn't walking yet she will take a step or two and then go back to crawling but I know she will be walking and talking and running before I know it and that makes me so proud of her and all the new things makes my heart melt and I know she will do just fine with her mommy because I can be a good mom!
That is all for now I have to get ready for my Dr. Appt today fun fun. My results from my blood work will be in and I am scared to death but I know I will be just fine and that is how I have to think is positive and keep my head up high!
G2G Bye!
I have been doing wonderful these last few days and I thankgod for Facebook lol I have found alot of ppl I went to high school with and catching up with them have been great. I really enjoy talking to ppl I havn't talked to in years and to find out ppl liked me but I was taken because I was with Jon wow if I only knew, but then again if Jon and I never got together I wouldn't of had the beautiful baby girl that I do have and she is my everything and people from day one when everything all came crashing down always told me things happen for a reason and well now I see it!
I have been talking to a guy who just came out of a 5 year relationship and he was happy to hear that he wasn't alone lol which is isn't at all. We talked on msn from 11:20pm to 5am my time he lives outwest and is doing great for himself so I am happy for him because that is something that he couldn't have done around here at all Sussex is just too small. I talked to him the next day and he said he felt bad keeping me up I said no you didn't I was happy to have someone to talk to because I couldn't sleep so he said oh in that case no problem it was my pleasure lol. Him and I are going out as friends on the 27th when he comes home for Xmas so I am really excited about that for sure. He told me not to worry about the cost and we could go anywhere I wanted to go I was like Holy Shit! That is just crazy and I even asked him if he was serious lol and he is Jon nevered paid for anything and so that made my jaw dropped down to the floor insane and he said that I should be treated like a princess I was like wow I have never felt that way and he told me that Jon was a dick for doing the things that he has done to me and he said that he will support me in anything I need support in WOW he is just amazing and he really doesn't know how much he has helped me, but anyone that knows me should see the difference I hope.
I was soo mad at Jon last night I have worked so hard on getting Alexis on a schedule and well I called and at 9pm she was eating cake and here she would have been asleep by 8:10pm so I was pretty upset that he wasn't doing his part by keeping her on the schedule that I have started with her and then when she goes to his house it takes me 3 days again to get her back on track and that isn't fair to Alexis or me I don't think anyway. So as soon as I can I am going to talk to Jon and see what I can figure out because I don't know what else to do I really don't.
Alot of things have come up lately and I have been doing alot of thinking and honestly for the best interest of Alexis I am thinking about taking this to court and getting full custody of her and then I really want to move outwest because alot of ppl I know are out there and I miss them the ones I used to hang out with at school. I think I can better my future and better myself adn raise Alexis better out there knowing that I won't have to put up with anymore bullshit from them two because I can't take much more. I will miss everyone here though and all my family and friends, but I want and need to be happy again and if moving away is what it takes then that is what I am going to have to do. I am still going to think long and hard about it though and maybe Jon just might let me move with her and he will see her when I fly home and things just like everyone will. I don't know if I will get that lucky but I should because he is the one that has put me through everything and is driving me away because I don't want to see him or Tami and I have the right to say that.
Alexis took her 1st steps the day she turned 144 months old, but she isn't walking yet she will take a step or two and then go back to crawling but I know she will be walking and talking and running before I know it and that makes me so proud of her and all the new things makes my heart melt and I know she will do just fine with her mommy because I can be a good mom!
That is all for now I have to get ready for my Dr. Appt today fun fun. My results from my blood work will be in and I am scared to death but I know I will be just fine and that is how I have to think is positive and keep my head up high!
G2G Bye!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Ya I am stupid...
Hey guys,
Well the reason why I say this is because I have had some ups and downs and things have been kinda bad lately. Let me explain what I mean and then you guys can understand just exactly what have been going on.
First of all Tami asked me to stop calling and texting Jon so I have done that unless he textes me or calls me and then I am not going to be rude and ignore him, so ya I respected that and listened to her but the other day Jon texted me and asked me for the money for the jeep and well I said no and aparently he got all pissy and cranky so then Tami comes on msn and messages me and well it did not go good and I found out alot of lies and everything she told me hurt me so bad and no one seems to understand that.
Anyway I confronted Jon about it and he said that he didn't say anything and well I don't know what to believe anymore I really don't. I said no to him and then his parents told me that I should give him the money and that way he gets to keep his jeep so I was stupid and did that and well since he gotton the money I havn't heard from him at all and so there for he just used me yet again, anyway that is how I feel.
Alexis is almost 14 months old and I can't believe it where has the time gone? She still isn't walking but talking lots more and learning lots more things she is such a smart little girl and I love her to pieces. I can and cannot wait for xmas because I don't want to be alone but on the other hand I can't wait to wake my baby girl bright and early and all that fun stuff.
Anyway I have been talking to an old ex boyfriend of mine and he has been wonderful no other words for it. I mean this guy is willing to give up his wonderful life to make me happy I think that is just wrong and I really don't want Andrew doing that just for me. He told me he has often thought about me but knew I was with Jon and thought I was happy well I was happy but Jon wasn't and there is really nothing I can do about that but as long as you all know I did try and that is really all I could have done. I would give me life to Jon he just doesn't see it oh well that is over with there will never be a Jon and Rebekah again.
That is all for now I will write when I can I am busy with my daughter alot and she is my world and my everything just like her daddy was.
G2G Bye!
Well the reason why I say this is because I have had some ups and downs and things have been kinda bad lately. Let me explain what I mean and then you guys can understand just exactly what have been going on.
First of all Tami asked me to stop calling and texting Jon so I have done that unless he textes me or calls me and then I am not going to be rude and ignore him, so ya I respected that and listened to her but the other day Jon texted me and asked me for the money for the jeep and well I said no and aparently he got all pissy and cranky so then Tami comes on msn and messages me and well it did not go good and I found out alot of lies and everything she told me hurt me so bad and no one seems to understand that.
Anyway I confronted Jon about it and he said that he didn't say anything and well I don't know what to believe anymore I really don't. I said no to him and then his parents told me that I should give him the money and that way he gets to keep his jeep so I was stupid and did that and well since he gotton the money I havn't heard from him at all and so there for he just used me yet again, anyway that is how I feel.
Alexis is almost 14 months old and I can't believe it where has the time gone? She still isn't walking but talking lots more and learning lots more things she is such a smart little girl and I love her to pieces. I can and cannot wait for xmas because I don't want to be alone but on the other hand I can't wait to wake my baby girl bright and early and all that fun stuff.
Anyway I have been talking to an old ex boyfriend of mine and he has been wonderful no other words for it. I mean this guy is willing to give up his wonderful life to make me happy I think that is just wrong and I really don't want Andrew doing that just for me. He told me he has often thought about me but knew I was with Jon and thought I was happy well I was happy but Jon wasn't and there is really nothing I can do about that but as long as you all know I did try and that is really all I could have done. I would give me life to Jon he just doesn't see it oh well that is over with there will never be a Jon and Rebekah again.
That is all for now I will write when I can I am busy with my daughter alot and she is my world and my everything just like her daddy was.
G2G Bye!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Lonely...
Hey guys,
I havn't posted for a while so I thought I would and let you guys all know how I am doing. I have my days but lately all I feel is lonely bc I miss Jon more than he will ever know.
I need him right now and I wish he would see that everyday I seem to get more and more depressing news about my family. I wish he was there to help me through this because this isn't easy and I am not ok I know this now. My grandfather is dying of heart and lung problems and it is only a matter of time he will be 76 next month so he has live a good life I just can't imagine life without him that is all and it is hitting me hard and I love my grandparents and all I think about is my poor grandmother what she must be going through right now. My dad is 50 and he had cancer but they got rid of it as far as we know but my sister Amanda and I were talking and there is something he isn't telling us and it is bothering both of us, but we have been putting the pieces together and that is why we think something is wrong again. My father doesn't like Jon and well for some reason when I called him the other day he appolgized for everything bad he has said about him and said he wants to see me happy and he knows Jon was the one that made me happy and even my dad knows this and he is right and him and I were talking as well and I said I wanted to be with Jon and yes I said I know you will be dissappointed in me and he says no I want to see you happy that is important to me is you being happy and if Jon does that than that is good all I really care about is my girls being happy. I was like wow that is a huge step for my dad to come out and say that to me and then all he has been telling Amanda is for her to come do the book work and to make sure someone knows how to do it in case something happens and for her to be happy as well.
I am so lonely I don't want to face these things alone but yet I somehow have to, how I am not sure yet because Jon has always been there for me he was a great shoulder to cry on and omg his hugs were amazing and just the way he held me so close to him I miss all that and I am going to continue to miss all that from Jon why I don't know I just will.
Anyway that is all because I am too upset to write anymore tonight I just wish Jon would open his eyes and realize I loved him for who he was that is what made him so special and why I love him so much. I just wish I had him and he was here telling me everything is going to be ok.
G2G Bye!
I havn't posted for a while so I thought I would and let you guys all know how I am doing. I have my days but lately all I feel is lonely bc I miss Jon more than he will ever know.
I need him right now and I wish he would see that everyday I seem to get more and more depressing news about my family. I wish he was there to help me through this because this isn't easy and I am not ok I know this now. My grandfather is dying of heart and lung problems and it is only a matter of time he will be 76 next month so he has live a good life I just can't imagine life without him that is all and it is hitting me hard and I love my grandparents and all I think about is my poor grandmother what she must be going through right now. My dad is 50 and he had cancer but they got rid of it as far as we know but my sister Amanda and I were talking and there is something he isn't telling us and it is bothering both of us, but we have been putting the pieces together and that is why we think something is wrong again. My father doesn't like Jon and well for some reason when I called him the other day he appolgized for everything bad he has said about him and said he wants to see me happy and he knows Jon was the one that made me happy and even my dad knows this and he is right and him and I were talking as well and I said I wanted to be with Jon and yes I said I know you will be dissappointed in me and he says no I want to see you happy that is important to me is you being happy and if Jon does that than that is good all I really care about is my girls being happy. I was like wow that is a huge step for my dad to come out and say that to me and then all he has been telling Amanda is for her to come do the book work and to make sure someone knows how to do it in case something happens and for her to be happy as well.
I am so lonely I don't want to face these things alone but yet I somehow have to, how I am not sure yet because Jon has always been there for me he was a great shoulder to cry on and omg his hugs were amazing and just the way he held me so close to him I miss all that and I am going to continue to miss all that from Jon why I don't know I just will.
Anyway that is all because I am too upset to write anymore tonight I just wish Jon would open his eyes and realize I loved him for who he was that is what made him so special and why I love him so much. I just wish I had him and he was here telling me everything is going to be ok.
G2G Bye!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Holding on....
Hey guys,
Well things have changed yet again and this time they are not good I miss Jon like crazy but, like Tami pointed out if he wanted me than he would be with me and not her so ya that is true it hurt hearing that and that was a big eye opener to me. I found alot alot of shit that I didn't even know it was true and it hurts alot to even know it. Such as he is the one that told her he loved her when he was still with me and here I thought it was the other way around this whole time thanks to Jon. He is the one that told everybody besides me that things were not going good and he really should have came to me instead of everyone else.
Our house is getting there but who knows if we will be able to move in or not by Christmas that was out goal. It has already been broken into and things have been stolen so that isn't good. We now have a door on the house that locks and Jon and mom and Clarence will be the only ones with the key so we will hopefully not be broken into again.
Alexis is doing good I don't have her a whole lot bc I have been quite sick lately and I am not sure why but my back hurts, my stomache, my head, I feel dizzy all the time and I just don't feel good at all. She isn't walking yet but she is still cruising and crawling lots so that is good. I can't wait to see her this Christmas which is just around the corner. I am letting her open all her presents by herself. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time but I don't think it will be happy for me I have a feeling it will be a lonely one because for 7 Christmas's I had someone to share it with and well this year I have my daughter but not her father and I would just like to spend Christmas with the 3 of us somewhere that would mean a whole lot to me. It isn't going to happen so I need to give up hope and do the best I can.
Well that is all for now I have a Dr. Appt today if I can find a drive and if not I will cancel it untill I can make it out there to Sussex. I have a hard time finding a drive when I need to be in Sussex because I live way out in the sticks lol. That is all for now I will update when I can.
G2G Bye!
Well things have changed yet again and this time they are not good I miss Jon like crazy but, like Tami pointed out if he wanted me than he would be with me and not her so ya that is true it hurt hearing that and that was a big eye opener to me. I found alot alot of shit that I didn't even know it was true and it hurts alot to even know it. Such as he is the one that told her he loved her when he was still with me and here I thought it was the other way around this whole time thanks to Jon. He is the one that told everybody besides me that things were not going good and he really should have came to me instead of everyone else.
Our house is getting there but who knows if we will be able to move in or not by Christmas that was out goal. It has already been broken into and things have been stolen so that isn't good. We now have a door on the house that locks and Jon and mom and Clarence will be the only ones with the key so we will hopefully not be broken into again.
Alexis is doing good I don't have her a whole lot bc I have been quite sick lately and I am not sure why but my back hurts, my stomache, my head, I feel dizzy all the time and I just don't feel good at all. She isn't walking yet but she is still cruising and crawling lots so that is good. I can't wait to see her this Christmas which is just around the corner. I am letting her open all her presents by herself. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time but I don't think it will be happy for me I have a feeling it will be a lonely one because for 7 Christmas's I had someone to share it with and well this year I have my daughter but not her father and I would just like to spend Christmas with the 3 of us somewhere that would mean a whole lot to me. It isn't going to happen so I need to give up hope and do the best I can.
Well that is all for now I have a Dr. Appt today if I can find a drive and if not I will cancel it untill I can make it out there to Sussex. I have a hard time finding a drive when I need to be in Sussex because I live way out in the sticks lol. That is all for now I will update when I can.
G2G Bye!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Crazy...
Hey guys,
Well things have been so crazy and so hard to believe lately that all I can say it is still crazy lol. Alot has happened since my last post and I just wanted you all to know what exactly has been going on.
I went to PEI(Prince Edward Island) for the weekend and had such a fun time and got to see lots of ppl, the drive was boring but Jon texted me alot so that helped the time pass for sure and also I enjoyed talking to him and was happy that he actually wanted to talk to me it totally surprised me. I came back on Sunday well it was night time when I actually got back to Sussex so I was texting Jon and he told me to let him know when I was closer because he wanted me to spend the night at his parents' house so I did because he said he wanted to talk to me and well we had a good talk and it was nice to figure things out.
Anyway everything was good and we were enjoying ourselves and actually trying to figure out what went wrong and now that I know that and now that I have my closure I can move on.....he told me that 7 years is a long time to be with someone and he wasn't sure if that is what he wanted, so therefore he just needed a break and well I am understanding that part and ok about that. What I am not ok about it the way he
did things and went about them and he knows they were wrong they way he did it so that helps.
Anyway for now him and Tami are working out their problems I really feel jealous of her and I really envy her she has what I used to have,and what I want and not just Jon but I just want my family back together and my baby and me to be happy again. I don't maybe I am asking for too much I am really confused right now, but I do know that it hurts when I have Alexis and all she does is cry for me and that hurts ALOT that I feel like my baby doesn't love me I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do why I don't know I can't explain it.
I can't explain alot of things I just don't feel like myself it is a really horriable feeling.....like I am empty I feel no pain because I have been to much but yet I don't feel good physically, emotionally and mentally it is hard to explain but I just want it to all go away and that is why things have been crazy. It has been a good crazy and bad crazy all at once and I really just want to be happy again someday...
Anyway that is my update for now I took many attempts to type this and I have now completed it so I am happy about that. I am sorry it is messed up guys but right now my head is messed up lol.
G2G Bye!
Well things have been so crazy and so hard to believe lately that all I can say it is still crazy lol. Alot has happened since my last post and I just wanted you all to know what exactly has been going on.
I went to PEI(Prince Edward Island) for the weekend and had such a fun time and got to see lots of ppl, the drive was boring but Jon texted me alot so that helped the time pass for sure and also I enjoyed talking to him and was happy that he actually wanted to talk to me it totally surprised me. I came back on Sunday well it was night time when I actually got back to Sussex so I was texting Jon and he told me to let him know when I was closer because he wanted me to spend the night at his parents' house so I did because he said he wanted to talk to me and well we had a good talk and it was nice to figure things out.
Anyway everything was good and we were enjoying ourselves and actually trying to figure out what went wrong and now that I know that and now that I have my closure I can move on.....he told me that 7 years is a long time to be with someone and he wasn't sure if that is what he wanted, so therefore he just needed a break and well I am understanding that part and ok about that. What I am not ok about it the way he
did things and went about them and he knows they were wrong they way he did it so that helps.
Anyway for now him and Tami are working out their problems I really feel jealous of her and I really envy her she has what I used to have,and what I want and not just Jon but I just want my family back together and my baby and me to be happy again. I don't maybe I am asking for too much I am really confused right now, but I do know that it hurts when I have Alexis and all she does is cry for me and that hurts ALOT that I feel like my baby doesn't love me I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do why I don't know I can't explain it.
I can't explain alot of things I just don't feel like myself it is a really horriable feeling.....like I am empty I feel no pain because I have been to much but yet I don't feel good physically, emotionally and mentally it is hard to explain but I just want it to all go away and that is why things have been crazy. It has been a good crazy and bad crazy all at once and I really just want to be happy again someday...
Anyway that is my update for now I took many attempts to type this and I have now completed it so I am happy about that. I am sorry it is messed up guys but right now my head is messed up lol.
G2G Bye!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I miss you...
Hey guys,
This one is for John...
I miss you
I miss everything about you, the way you hold me the way you loved me the way you kissed me, the way you gave me the silent treatment when you were mad at me which drove me bonkers lol.
I even miss the time you got mad at me and knocked out my front tooth I was 5 months pregnant but see I miss all the good and bad things about you call me crazy call me whatever but I miss you!
I just want you back more than anything I really don't understand why you left me and when I asked you all you tell me was you were stupid and well that isn't answer and doesn't help me out any. Can't you see that I screwed up and I know that now but I am willing to fix any problem you had with me and I want to try to make things work for Alexis please know this John that I am sorry!!
I love you and I just want you to hold me close to you again and that is all I want I just want you hun more than anything in this world I asked god everyday why he has done such a horriable thing everyday I pray and asked him this and well I still havn't gotton any answers so I am not sure what this all means.
When I asked you if we would ever have another chance you tell me to give you time and well I really need to know soon because everyone deserves a second chance and well I havn't gotton mine yet.
Anyway baby I just wanted you to know how much I miss you and love you and just want to be with you remember our song always.....In a real love!!!!
I wrote this blog to John and even though he may never read it I just wanted to get it off my mind but I really do miss him and care about him alot and I want him to know that what I have been through has not been easy but I am dealing with it the best way I know how to. That is all I have for now so I will stop typing for the night!
G2G Bye!
This one is for John...
I miss you
I miss everything about you, the way you hold me the way you loved me the way you kissed me, the way you gave me the silent treatment when you were mad at me which drove me bonkers lol.
I even miss the time you got mad at me and knocked out my front tooth I was 5 months pregnant but see I miss all the good and bad things about you call me crazy call me whatever but I miss you!
I just want you back more than anything I really don't understand why you left me and when I asked you all you tell me was you were stupid and well that isn't answer and doesn't help me out any. Can't you see that I screwed up and I know that now but I am willing to fix any problem you had with me and I want to try to make things work for Alexis please know this John that I am sorry!!
I love you and I just want you to hold me close to you again and that is all I want I just want you hun more than anything in this world I asked god everyday why he has done such a horriable thing everyday I pray and asked him this and well I still havn't gotton any answers so I am not sure what this all means.
When I asked you if we would ever have another chance you tell me to give you time and well I really need to know soon because everyone deserves a second chance and well I havn't gotton mine yet.
Anyway baby I just wanted you to know how much I miss you and love you and just want to be with you remember our song always.....In a real love!!!!
I wrote this blog to John and even though he may never read it I just wanted to get it off my mind but I really do miss him and care about him alot and I want him to know that what I have been through has not been easy but I am dealing with it the best way I know how to. That is all I have for now so I will stop typing for the night!
G2G Bye!
Hmmmm I don't know anymore.....
Hey guys,
Well I am not sure what to think or do anymore I miss John alot but I am tired of the bullshit that him and his gf has put me through. Everything was good untill she came back and then it all started yet again I was called a Bitch and I was told some nasty comments and I shouldn't have to put up with that. Since I am called a bitch so much I have decided to become one....that being said I am no longer paying for the jeep or giving him money or even talking to him I am done with him. I don't want to see him or hear from him again it will be hard because we have Alexis but I am trying to work around that issue.
Our house is coming along good, it is taking time but it is still coming. The boys have been working away on it but they can't come till noon now because Scott still has school and I told John that I didn't want him working there for them anymore so therefore that was hard to tell him that but whatever I had to do it so I did remember I am bitch after all!
Alexis is fine still not going to bed on time but if that is the only problem then hey that is ok. She has been talking up a storm it is so funny and all the little words she is saying it is crazy. Alexis can say "hi" 'bye" "cat" "mama" "dada" "nana" and lots more so that is good. I think she is doing really well with everything and her almost walking is exciting but sad at the same time.
Amanda and Josh are doing really good as to mom and Clarence are so I guess I am the only one not doing good but someday that will change and I will be doing good again I hope. Jess and Art are doing really good and I am more than happy for her she deserves a good guy just like everyone does.
Anyway I think that is all for now if I can I will update tomorrow but I don't know what the day will bring. I know for the weekend I am taking the baby to PEI so I am really excited about that. I have to go now talk to you all later.
G2G bye!
Well I am not sure what to think or do anymore I miss John alot but I am tired of the bullshit that him and his gf has put me through. Everything was good untill she came back and then it all started yet again I was called a Bitch and I was told some nasty comments and I shouldn't have to put up with that. Since I am called a bitch so much I have decided to become one....that being said I am no longer paying for the jeep or giving him money or even talking to him I am done with him. I don't want to see him or hear from him again it will be hard because we have Alexis but I am trying to work around that issue.
Our house is coming along good, it is taking time but it is still coming. The boys have been working away on it but they can't come till noon now because Scott still has school and I told John that I didn't want him working there for them anymore so therefore that was hard to tell him that but whatever I had to do it so I did remember I am bitch after all!
Alexis is fine still not going to bed on time but if that is the only problem then hey that is ok. She has been talking up a storm it is so funny and all the little words she is saying it is crazy. Alexis can say "hi" 'bye" "cat" "mama" "dada" "nana" and lots more so that is good. I think she is doing really well with everything and her almost walking is exciting but sad at the same time.
Amanda and Josh are doing really good as to mom and Clarence are so I guess I am the only one not doing good but someday that will change and I will be doing good again I hope. Jess and Art are doing really good and I am more than happy for her she deserves a good guy just like everyone does.
Anyway I think that is all for now if I can I will update tomorrow but I don't know what the day will bring. I know for the weekend I am taking the baby to PEI so I am really excited about that. I have to go now talk to you all later.
G2G bye!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Almost back to normal...
Hey guys,
Well I have been doing good and will hopefully continue to do good. I have been happy and I had a really good busy weekend. John, Nick, Daniel, William, Rob, Scott, Mom, Clarence and I have all been working on our new house so now I say it is the house that love built so that is pretty cool. We want to be moved in by Christmas but we are not really sure if that is going to happen now or not, but time will tell I guess.
Wow I have had some time to do some thinking and I talked alot the other night when John and I went to town for a bit it was good I still havn't got that closure yet but I am now understanding alot more and still trying to figure things out and will continue to do so. I was honest with him and told him that I am not going to sit there and tell him that I don't want him back because that means I would be lying to him because I think everyone who knows me knows I just want what we used to have back sorry to say but I do. I finally got the guts and asked him a personal question about me I asked him since I was his 1st and he has slept with someone else now was I bad at sex and he said no I was good so that made me feel better about myself. I still like the fact that I have only slept with one guy I am not sure I just don't see myself having random sex with just anybody that would be kind of odd that is for sure. I texted John last night and said if him and Tami don't work out would he ever give me another chance and if it don't work then it don't work but hey it was at least another chance. He said he needed time so I told him I wanted to know soon because if he says yes then I will wait for him. I know you are probably thinking I am crazy and well maybe I am I don't know but I still love John and care about him alot. When working with him it takes all I got to not go up and just hug him as much as I want and miss his hugs I would never do that to him. I have realized that I havn't had any money lately but yet he got paid and bought me supper so that was nice of him and then he dropped me back off and helped Clarence bring in some wood we just got thankgod we needed wood! He left after that and that is when I texted him was on his way home. At the end of the night I said I was sorry for everything and he told me not to worry about it. So as I was saying I now know he is not using me for money so that is a good thing.
Alexis is almost walking it is crazy Diane(John's mom) brought her to the new house yesterday and there was our 1 year old standing all by herself I was like wow daddy(John) look at her! He was like walk to daddy and although she didn't it was still cute and she can actually stand for a few minutes all by herself as long as she isn't paying attention to what she is doing than she is fine. She is looking more and more like John everyday it is so hard to believe that she hasn't really changed her looks much just got bigger and her hair has gotton longer and she has gotton taller as well but other than that she still looks the same basically.
Jessica and Art are doing amazinly good and Jess is excited and scared at the same time to maybe become a step mother to Maddy and Tyra that is so excting and I am so beyond happy for her. I can understand where she is coming from being scared and all but I see her with Alexis and I know she will make an awesome mother someday. The 1st time she held Maddy was last weekend and she went right to sleep on her not alot of babies will do that unless they are comfy so that must tell you something Jess she is comfortable with you and you do wonderful with her.
Mom and Clarence are doing good they don't have alot of time to themselves but I think they are going to PEI next month for a weekend so that will be good for them. I love Clarence as a stepfather he is wonderful and amazing and so good to Amanda and I so that helps alot.
Amanda is my younger sister and I find it bad that she is 20 and I am 22 and I have only slept with one guy and she is now on her 3rd I think that is just bad well for me I mean not for her I am happy for Amanda and I hope her and Joss work out. Amanda and I get along pretty good maybe because she is never home I am not so sure but we talk and when I have gas money she will come get me but that doesn't happen very often lol.
Anyway I think that is everybody so I will update later and for now I have a room to clean ugggg!! Sorry but I despise cleaning my room always have always will lol.
G2G Bye!
Well I have been doing good and will hopefully continue to do good. I have been happy and I had a really good busy weekend. John, Nick, Daniel, William, Rob, Scott, Mom, Clarence and I have all been working on our new house so now I say it is the house that love built so that is pretty cool. We want to be moved in by Christmas but we are not really sure if that is going to happen now or not, but time will tell I guess.
Wow I have had some time to do some thinking and I talked alot the other night when John and I went to town for a bit it was good I still havn't got that closure yet but I am now understanding alot more and still trying to figure things out and will continue to do so. I was honest with him and told him that I am not going to sit there and tell him that I don't want him back because that means I would be lying to him because I think everyone who knows me knows I just want what we used to have back sorry to say but I do. I finally got the guts and asked him a personal question about me I asked him since I was his 1st and he has slept with someone else now was I bad at sex and he said no I was good so that made me feel better about myself. I still like the fact that I have only slept with one guy I am not sure I just don't see myself having random sex with just anybody that would be kind of odd that is for sure. I texted John last night and said if him and Tami don't work out would he ever give me another chance and if it don't work then it don't work but hey it was at least another chance. He said he needed time so I told him I wanted to know soon because if he says yes then I will wait for him. I know you are probably thinking I am crazy and well maybe I am I don't know but I still love John and care about him alot. When working with him it takes all I got to not go up and just hug him as much as I want and miss his hugs I would never do that to him. I have realized that I havn't had any money lately but yet he got paid and bought me supper so that was nice of him and then he dropped me back off and helped Clarence bring in some wood we just got thankgod we needed wood! He left after that and that is when I texted him was on his way home. At the end of the night I said I was sorry for everything and he told me not to worry about it. So as I was saying I now know he is not using me for money so that is a good thing.
Alexis is almost walking it is crazy Diane(John's mom) brought her to the new house yesterday and there was our 1 year old standing all by herself I was like wow daddy(John) look at her! He was like walk to daddy and although she didn't it was still cute and she can actually stand for a few minutes all by herself as long as she isn't paying attention to what she is doing than she is fine. She is looking more and more like John everyday it is so hard to believe that she hasn't really changed her looks much just got bigger and her hair has gotton longer and she has gotton taller as well but other than that she still looks the same basically.
Jessica and Art are doing amazinly good and Jess is excited and scared at the same time to maybe become a step mother to Maddy and Tyra that is so excting and I am so beyond happy for her. I can understand where she is coming from being scared and all but I see her with Alexis and I know she will make an awesome mother someday. The 1st time she held Maddy was last weekend and she went right to sleep on her not alot of babies will do that unless they are comfy so that must tell you something Jess she is comfortable with you and you do wonderful with her.
Mom and Clarence are doing good they don't have alot of time to themselves but I think they are going to PEI next month for a weekend so that will be good for them. I love Clarence as a stepfather he is wonderful and amazing and so good to Amanda and I so that helps alot.
Amanda is my younger sister and I find it bad that she is 20 and I am 22 and I have only slept with one guy and she is now on her 3rd I think that is just bad well for me I mean not for her I am happy for Amanda and I hope her and Joss work out. Amanda and I get along pretty good maybe because she is never home I am not so sure but we talk and when I have gas money she will come get me but that doesn't happen very often lol.
Anyway I think that is everybody so I will update later and for now I have a room to clean ugggg!! Sorry but I despise cleaning my room always have always will lol.
G2G Bye!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Just thinking...
Hey guys,
Well I know it has been awhile since I last posted so I thought I would let you all know how I am doing. I must say that things were getting better but are back to the way they were and seem to be getting worst as the days go on.
Anyway I think I have realized that John only wants something to do with me when I have money so I am putting a stop to that I must say. It is going to make me feel bad but I can't sleep hurting myself like that I really can't.
Well as I was saying John and Tami are back together yet again I just don't understand how she seems to get that lucky god John didn't want to make things work for us but yet he wants to make it work for them and he believes her and then takes her back. I am so beyond confused about this one I just don't understand I really don't. All I am going to say is that Tami is soooooo lucky to have a great guy!!!!!
Anyway Alexis is doing great and someday I will be doing good too I hope that day comes real soon. What I need from John is closure if that is what you call it. I need to know what I did so wrong and so bad that it couldn't be fixed or even talked about that is what I need to know. I want to know this and for him to tell me because I need to move on but I am scared to because I don't want to screw up again like I did this time. Once I get this from him I know it will hurt but it will be good for me to know the truth and well the truth hurts and then I can finally heal from all the heartache and pain I have been feeling all this time.
That is all for now I should go and try to get a fire going. I am soooo cold and I hate the thought of winter this year lol. I am not sure what my plans are for the weekend but if you don't hear from me on the weekend then Monday I will update if I can.
G2G Bye!
Well I know it has been awhile since I last posted so I thought I would let you all know how I am doing. I must say that things were getting better but are back to the way they were and seem to be getting worst as the days go on.
Anyway I think I have realized that John only wants something to do with me when I have money so I am putting a stop to that I must say. It is going to make me feel bad but I can't sleep hurting myself like that I really can't.
Well as I was saying John and Tami are back together yet again I just don't understand how she seems to get that lucky god John didn't want to make things work for us but yet he wants to make it work for them and he believes her and then takes her back. I am so beyond confused about this one I just don't understand I really don't. All I am going to say is that Tami is soooooo lucky to have a great guy!!!!!
Anyway Alexis is doing great and someday I will be doing good too I hope that day comes real soon. What I need from John is closure if that is what you call it. I need to know what I did so wrong and so bad that it couldn't be fixed or even talked about that is what I need to know. I want to know this and for him to tell me because I need to move on but I am scared to because I don't want to screw up again like I did this time. Once I get this from him I know it will hurt but it will be good for me to know the truth and well the truth hurts and then I can finally heal from all the heartache and pain I have been feeling all this time.
That is all for now I should go and try to get a fire going. I am soooo cold and I hate the thought of winter this year lol. I am not sure what my plans are for the weekend but if you don't hear from me on the weekend then Monday I will update if I can.
G2G Bye!
Monday, October 22, 2007
I am leaving...
Hey guys,
Well I am going out west in a month would have been sooner but Jessica told me to stay and see how I make out in a month if nothing changes then I am gone outta here for good! I don't want to leave my family and John's family and my friends behind but I need to I need to just leave all the good and bad memories behind and start new out there.
Well as you can see John and Tami played one mean fucking dirty twisted sick joke on me and that hurts more than anything right now and I am not sure how to deal with it again. He got money from me and then I wanted to take him out to get something to eat and well I get this message from Tami that said he was busy and wasn't coming home oh and nothing between them is any of my business expect a little nastier than that. So therefor he used me lead me on hurt me once again and I am just to stupid but not any more I am never falling for it agian!!!!!!
Anyway Alexis is in bed and I am emotionally exhausted and just can't deal with it anymore. So I will update later and all I have to say is that I am so very stupid for not listening to ppl thanks guys all you were doing was watching out for me.
G2G Bye!
Well I am going out west in a month would have been sooner but Jessica told me to stay and see how I make out in a month if nothing changes then I am gone outta here for good! I don't want to leave my family and John's family and my friends behind but I need to I need to just leave all the good and bad memories behind and start new out there.
Well as you can see John and Tami played one mean fucking dirty twisted sick joke on me and that hurts more than anything right now and I am not sure how to deal with it again. He got money from me and then I wanted to take him out to get something to eat and well I get this message from Tami that said he was busy and wasn't coming home oh and nothing between them is any of my business expect a little nastier than that. So therefor he used me lead me on hurt me once again and I am just to stupid but not any more I am never falling for it agian!!!!!!
Anyway Alexis is in bed and I am emotionally exhausted and just can't deal with it anymore. So I will update later and all I have to say is that I am so very stupid for not listening to ppl thanks guys all you were doing was watching out for me.
G2G Bye!
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Wow things change...
Hey guys,
It has been a crazy week and lots have happened that is for sure. Lets see I had a fun week it has been a blast. Wednesday night Peirce came out and kept me company and it was fun just to have someone there with me again. Thursday I worked on the house that was awesome too and we are getting alot accomplished that is for sure they boys have been working hard at it so they are doing a great job. Thanks guys!!!!!
John and Tami are not together anymore she cheated on him and that upsets me because she breaks us up and thinks nothing of it, and then she turns arounds and makes out with some guy at the bar that is just crazy! In the 7 years that John and I have been together I would NEVER have even thought about cheating on him I guess when you really truely love someone you just don't do that in my opinion I don't know maybe I am wrong.
What I really would like is for John and I to get back together and just take things slow and go from there, and just see if things will work or not. I know John needs time right now because he gave up alot to be with someone who cheated on him and he put all of his trust into her which still blows me away that she would do that. I am going to give him time but I know for myself I can't wait forever but I know I have never stopped loving him how could I we have been through so much together over the years. If we did start seeing each other again it would be different this time that is for sure. I think John just went through his mid-life crisis ealry or something I am not really sure what went through his head or what he was thinking. Anyway we will wait and see what happens I guess that is all I can do.
Jessica and Art are doing good I was at her house this weekend and we had alot of fun. She had a house full but Jess finally got to hold Maddie and that was awesome because she fell right to sleep on her and Tyra is other daughter was soooooo hyper but she was some funny it was good. We had pizza and pop and it was Jess' dad's birthday so we had cake too it was yummy!! Sunday which is today we made Apple pies and that was fun too and then her sister Becky and I made 2 big pizzas loaded with toppings everything tasted so good. After supper we watched Fantastic 4 number 2 the new one it was a kick ass movie. We then headed into town and Peirce treated us to an ice cream at DQ omg it was soooooo good! Thankyou Peirce you are an awesome friend who have been there for me through everything I am very lucky I got the opportunity to know you:)
Mom and Clarence are doing awesome and are a happily married couple they are so cute lol! I really can't wait to be moved into our new house they said hopefully by Christmas so that is 2 months away so I can't wait it will be good once we move.
Alexis is doing amazingly well I have been trying to get her on a schedule and it seems to be working so I am happy about that. I am actually doing something for once and that feels so good! She isn't walking yet but she will be soon that is a scary thought that is for sure. She can say a few words and wave and give high 5 so that is pretty cool. She is learning so much and mimics you some bad now it is crazy. Anyway my baby is growing up wayyyyyy to fast next thing I know she will be turning 2 and then 16 and then always asking for the car wow I have alot to look forward too lol.
Anyway that is the update about everyone yah I think that covers everything I hope lol. I will update tomorrow if I can.
G2G Bye!!
It has been a crazy week and lots have happened that is for sure. Lets see I had a fun week it has been a blast. Wednesday night Peirce came out and kept me company and it was fun just to have someone there with me again. Thursday I worked on the house that was awesome too and we are getting alot accomplished that is for sure they boys have been working hard at it so they are doing a great job. Thanks guys!!!!!
John and Tami are not together anymore she cheated on him and that upsets me because she breaks us up and thinks nothing of it, and then she turns arounds and makes out with some guy at the bar that is just crazy! In the 7 years that John and I have been together I would NEVER have even thought about cheating on him I guess when you really truely love someone you just don't do that in my opinion I don't know maybe I am wrong.
What I really would like is for John and I to get back together and just take things slow and go from there, and just see if things will work or not. I know John needs time right now because he gave up alot to be with someone who cheated on him and he put all of his trust into her which still blows me away that she would do that. I am going to give him time but I know for myself I can't wait forever but I know I have never stopped loving him how could I we have been through so much together over the years. If we did start seeing each other again it would be different this time that is for sure. I think John just went through his mid-life crisis ealry or something I am not really sure what went through his head or what he was thinking. Anyway we will wait and see what happens I guess that is all I can do.
Jessica and Art are doing good I was at her house this weekend and we had alot of fun. She had a house full but Jess finally got to hold Maddie and that was awesome because she fell right to sleep on her and Tyra is other daughter was soooooo hyper but she was some funny it was good. We had pizza and pop and it was Jess' dad's birthday so we had cake too it was yummy!! Sunday which is today we made Apple pies and that was fun too and then her sister Becky and I made 2 big pizzas loaded with toppings everything tasted so good. After supper we watched Fantastic 4 number 2 the new one it was a kick ass movie. We then headed into town and Peirce treated us to an ice cream at DQ omg it was soooooo good! Thankyou Peirce you are an awesome friend who have been there for me through everything I am very lucky I got the opportunity to know you:)
Mom and Clarence are doing awesome and are a happily married couple they are so cute lol! I really can't wait to be moved into our new house they said hopefully by Christmas so that is 2 months away so I can't wait it will be good once we move.
Alexis is doing amazingly well I have been trying to get her on a schedule and it seems to be working so I am happy about that. I am actually doing something for once and that feels so good! She isn't walking yet but she will be soon that is a scary thought that is for sure. She can say a few words and wave and give high 5 so that is pretty cool. She is learning so much and mimics you some bad now it is crazy. Anyway my baby is growing up wayyyyyy to fast next thing I know she will be turning 2 and then 16 and then always asking for the car wow I have alot to look forward too lol.
Anyway that is the update about everyone yah I think that covers everything I hope lol. I will update tomorrow if I can.
G2G Bye!!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
I don't know what to do or what to think anymore...
Hey guys,
I know I haven't posted in a while but I have been extremly busy with the house and the wedding it has been insane! The insanlness is finally starting to settle down now.
The house is coming along good we should be able to move in by Christmas so we are hoping anyway. Mom and Clarence hired a good hard working crew to work on their house because they can't do it for they are going back to work. I can't wait to move and start fresh see John and I won't have any memories at the new place so I think that will help me heal from everything I have been through and still going through.......
Anyway it is 2:30am and my 1 year old just went to sleep thank god but her mommy needs sleep right now will continue you in the morning when I wake up I promise!!!!!!!!
I did continue last night like promised but it didn't save so here I go again. I will try to think about what I wrote about last night.
The wedding was awesome and I had such a fun time it was just plain great! I have never had so much fun in my life. We arrived there at 4:00pm with mom and mom's maid of honor(Amanda) and then Alexis Jess and me all went inside and when we walked in Peirce was there with some of John's family. I asked Peirce to come and he did so that meant alot because alot of guys don't like going to weddings. Alexis was dressed up and looked so pretty but when doesn't she lol. She was so good during the wedding and barely said anything basically to sum it up she was on her very best behaviour and did fine for a 1 year old. After the wedding we all ate omg the food was amazing and we still have lots left over lol. Then it was time for ppl to get outside and relax while we were cleaning up from the reception. Jess Peirce and I stayed outside quite a bit and Diane and Elmer(John's parents) asked me if they could take Alexis for the night and I thought ya that would be good so that she could go to bed at a half decent time because I knew we were going to be there untill the end. So they took her home with them and then we went outside again and just talked and played tag it was fun, although I could never tell who was it lol but it was all good. Anyway we stayed outside untill Peirce had to leave at 8:30pm because he had to be at work by 9pm so anyway after he left we back inside and started dancing the night away which by the way we did we didn't stop we just kept dancing. Mom and Clarence had a blast too it was all country music and it was such a wicked ass time. I am happy to see my mom happy and it is sweet how they call each other husband and wife now too cute for sure! Anyway that is all over with now and I just want to thank Peirce and Jess for coming with me you 2 are the bestest friends that I could ever ask for thanks for being there with me and for me through the thick and the thin I know lately it has been thickness but I am hoping that will change soon. Once again though thankyou!!!!
Alexis is doing fine and she is almost walking now that is just crazy to think of I miss my baby that little helpless one that we brought home over a year ago now it saddens me to think of all those times and how small she used to be. She will be going for her needles tomorrow I am scared to death I hate needles with a passion but she doesn't so that is good, that she isn't like me her mommy lol. I decided to try something new last night and not bath her and she was asleep by 10:00pm, not something that happens often that is for sure. I am going to try that again tonight to make sure it wasn't just a fluke.
That is all for now oh Jess and Art are going out again on Friday so that is exciting I am so happy for her. Peirce and I were invited to her house for a pizza party and I really want to go. I am not sure what Peirce is doing whether or not he is going but if he does than that is great and if he doesn't then there is always a next time right.
G2G Bye!
I know I haven't posted in a while but I have been extremly busy with the house and the wedding it has been insane! The insanlness is finally starting to settle down now.
The house is coming along good we should be able to move in by Christmas so we are hoping anyway. Mom and Clarence hired a good hard working crew to work on their house because they can't do it for they are going back to work. I can't wait to move and start fresh see John and I won't have any memories at the new place so I think that will help me heal from everything I have been through and still going through.......
Anyway it is 2:30am and my 1 year old just went to sleep thank god but her mommy needs sleep right now will continue you in the morning when I wake up I promise!!!!!!!!
I did continue last night like promised but it didn't save so here I go again. I will try to think about what I wrote about last night.
The wedding was awesome and I had such a fun time it was just plain great! I have never had so much fun in my life. We arrived there at 4:00pm with mom and mom's maid of honor(Amanda) and then Alexis Jess and me all went inside and when we walked in Peirce was there with some of John's family. I asked Peirce to come and he did so that meant alot because alot of guys don't like going to weddings. Alexis was dressed up and looked so pretty but when doesn't she lol. She was so good during the wedding and barely said anything basically to sum it up she was on her very best behaviour and did fine for a 1 year old. After the wedding we all ate omg the food was amazing and we still have lots left over lol. Then it was time for ppl to get outside and relax while we were cleaning up from the reception. Jess Peirce and I stayed outside quite a bit and Diane and Elmer(John's parents) asked me if they could take Alexis for the night and I thought ya that would be good so that she could go to bed at a half decent time because I knew we were going to be there untill the end. So they took her home with them and then we went outside again and just talked and played tag it was fun, although I could never tell who was it lol but it was all good. Anyway we stayed outside untill Peirce had to leave at 8:30pm because he had to be at work by 9pm so anyway after he left we back inside and started dancing the night away which by the way we did we didn't stop we just kept dancing. Mom and Clarence had a blast too it was all country music and it was such a wicked ass time. I am happy to see my mom happy and it is sweet how they call each other husband and wife now too cute for sure! Anyway that is all over with now and I just want to thank Peirce and Jess for coming with me you 2 are the bestest friends that I could ever ask for thanks for being there with me and for me through the thick and the thin I know lately it has been thickness but I am hoping that will change soon. Once again though thankyou!!!!
Alexis is doing fine and she is almost walking now that is just crazy to think of I miss my baby that little helpless one that we brought home over a year ago now it saddens me to think of all those times and how small she used to be. She will be going for her needles tomorrow I am scared to death I hate needles with a passion but she doesn't so that is good, that she isn't like me her mommy lol. I decided to try something new last night and not bath her and she was asleep by 10:00pm, not something that happens often that is for sure. I am going to try that again tonight to make sure it wasn't just a fluke.
That is all for now oh Jess and Art are going out again on Friday so that is exciting I am so happy for her. Peirce and I were invited to her house for a pizza party and I really want to go. I am not sure what Peirce is doing whether or not he is going but if he does than that is great and if he doesn't then there is always a next time right.
G2G Bye!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Alexis' 1st Birthday and the new house...
Hey guys,
I havn't posted in a while because I have been so busy lately working on my parents new house and trying to get things done. It is coming along really good and we now have a roof and a full wall up so that is awesome and we are all doing a great job!
Well my baby is 1 today I cried most of today and was like at this time last year this is what was happening and the day kept on playing over and over in my head and now that little 7 pound baby is 22 pounds, she is growing like a bad weed and the time has gone by so fast it is scary just how fast it flew by. It wasn't a good year for me but it is getting better and I feel better I really do. We are having a party for her saturday or sunday not sure which day it is yet lol I am doing good to get that far. I still just can't believe that she is 1 where has the time gone that is all I have to say??
Well I feel horriable because I was supposed to have someone over tonight and well I was working late because we wanted to get alot done because of the wedding and everything and we were running out of time so that is why I stayed late but I tried to call him to tell him that and I still have a drive now for him but he won't talk to me right now can't say I blame him. Hopefully I can make it up to him and fix things like they used to be.
Anyway that is all I am exausted and ready for bed and I have alot of work to do tomorrow between the house and the wedding I am overloaded lol.
G2G Bye!
I havn't posted in a while because I have been so busy lately working on my parents new house and trying to get things done. It is coming along really good and we now have a roof and a full wall up so that is awesome and we are all doing a great job!
Well my baby is 1 today I cried most of today and was like at this time last year this is what was happening and the day kept on playing over and over in my head and now that little 7 pound baby is 22 pounds, she is growing like a bad weed and the time has gone by so fast it is scary just how fast it flew by. It wasn't a good year for me but it is getting better and I feel better I really do. We are having a party for her saturday or sunday not sure which day it is yet lol I am doing good to get that far. I still just can't believe that she is 1 where has the time gone that is all I have to say??
Well I feel horriable because I was supposed to have someone over tonight and well I was working late because we wanted to get alot done because of the wedding and everything and we were running out of time so that is why I stayed late but I tried to call him to tell him that and I still have a drive now for him but he won't talk to me right now can't say I blame him. Hopefully I can make it up to him and fix things like they used to be.
Anyway that is all I am exausted and ready for bed and I have alot of work to do tomorrow between the house and the wedding I am overloaded lol.
G2G Bye!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Update on everyone and everything...
Hey guys,
Well I am just in such a good mood and have been lately it is a really nice feeling, something I havn't felt in a long time. Everyone says that things happen for a reason and I think I am now finding out what that reason is and it is making perfect sense.
I am living my life the way it should be lived I am not saying I don't have my down days because there are times when I do but what I am saying is that I am finally moving on and going forward with my life. Living my life the way it should be lived and not I shouldn't care what people say or think anymore.
I did go out with Art on friday night and well I just don't feel that "click" that you usually have so that isn't going to work out between us but on the plus side Jessica likes him alot and she actually asked me permission to go with him why I am still not sure yet, but I was more than happy and thrilled for her someday I will find Mr. Right someday just not today and really I think that is ok. Jess is trying to convince me to go out with this guy that I have known for 7 years but I am still not sure yet I just found out that he doesn't believe in marriage why I don't know but that really bugs me because I want to have that day that it is all about me and you know I want to experience the married life. That is a big problem for if him and I would ever be together because that is important to me to be married not just common-law. I have done that and look where it got me, single lol because there in no commintment at least with a marriage there is one and it is a good thing and hopefully means the same to me as it does to that Mr. Right I hope.
Anyway I miss my baby girl alot but she is with her father and that is a good thing, but it is still hard on me that is for sure. I know she is feeling better so I am happy about that she was some sick for a little while so I am exscatic that she is so much better. I love Alexis I love being with her and just holding her. I don't know where the year has gone I really don't, it seems just like yesterday she was born and I will always remember the look on her father's face how proud he was what happened to that? What happened to what we used to have? Anyway I always seem to find myself depressed when I take the time to think about shit why do I do this to myself I am just hurting myself once again.
I have been working on our new house quite a bit and I love doing it. It is coming right along and tomorrow morning I will be helping my parents put on the roof so that is very exciting. They will be married next weekend and I will finally have an official step dad so that is wonderful too. I am more than lucky to have a wonderful mom and dad and now a step father some people don't get that lucky, but I did.
Anyways that is all for now so I will try to update more often when I have the time that is. I have been extremely busy with the house and the wedding but it will slow back down after everything is done.
G2G Bye!
Well I am just in such a good mood and have been lately it is a really nice feeling, something I havn't felt in a long time. Everyone says that things happen for a reason and I think I am now finding out what that reason is and it is making perfect sense.
I am living my life the way it should be lived I am not saying I don't have my down days because there are times when I do but what I am saying is that I am finally moving on and going forward with my life. Living my life the way it should be lived and not I shouldn't care what people say or think anymore.
I did go out with Art on friday night and well I just don't feel that "click" that you usually have so that isn't going to work out between us but on the plus side Jessica likes him alot and she actually asked me permission to go with him why I am still not sure yet, but I was more than happy and thrilled for her someday I will find Mr. Right someday just not today and really I think that is ok. Jess is trying to convince me to go out with this guy that I have known for 7 years but I am still not sure yet I just found out that he doesn't believe in marriage why I don't know but that really bugs me because I want to have that day that it is all about me and you know I want to experience the married life. That is a big problem for if him and I would ever be together because that is important to me to be married not just common-law. I have done that and look where it got me, single lol because there in no commintment at least with a marriage there is one and it is a good thing and hopefully means the same to me as it does to that Mr. Right I hope.
Anyway I miss my baby girl alot but she is with her father and that is a good thing, but it is still hard on me that is for sure. I know she is feeling better so I am happy about that she was some sick for a little while so I am exscatic that she is so much better. I love Alexis I love being with her and just holding her. I don't know where the year has gone I really don't, it seems just like yesterday she was born and I will always remember the look on her father's face how proud he was what happened to that? What happened to what we used to have? Anyway I always seem to find myself depressed when I take the time to think about shit why do I do this to myself I am just hurting myself once again.
I have been working on our new house quite a bit and I love doing it. It is coming right along and tomorrow morning I will be helping my parents put on the roof so that is very exciting. They will be married next weekend and I will finally have an official step dad so that is wonderful too. I am more than lucky to have a wonderful mom and dad and now a step father some people don't get that lucky, but I did.
Anyways that is all for now so I will try to update more often when I have the time that is. I have been extremely busy with the house and the wedding but it will slow back down after everything is done.
G2G Bye!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
My poor baby...
Hey guys,
Well I have been at mom's and things weren't going too too bad so it was an ok time for me there, maybe it has to do with the fact that they were not home until late at night and Amanda usually stayed in her room so it was just basically Alexis and I. Well I was talking to John on the phone and told him that I didnt think Alexis was feeling good and that she was running a fever so he decided to come out and get us so I could take her in to the outpatients so she could see a doctor well that took forever it was a very long wait and they needed a urine sample from her and well she just wouldn't pee. We took her home and after the 3rd attempt I finally put that bag on her right and caught her pee. John drove me up to the hospital and I watied while they tested it and well they told me to bring her back up and re-register her again so I did that and she saw the doctor, this time it was a different one and she was awesome and treated Alexis for a bladder infection and sent the paper out for her to have an ultrasound.
Alexis still isn't feeling good and she goes for her U/S on her 1st birthday the poor girl so she will have that done on October 10th. I am really hoping there isn't anything wrong with her she has never been this sick and this is her 1st fever she has ever had so I am really worried about her.
John is being nice to me for some odd reason I have no idea why but it is just a weird feeling I have about it. I mean I like it when he is nice for sure but I also liked him when he was hateful and I am just used to him and not scared of him. I have 2 guys interested in me and to tell you the truth I am scared to death of them why I don't know I just am. John is the only one I am not scared of but I used to be as well. I don't want this to stop me from meeting Mr. Right if there is such thing I really don't know anymore I still find myself asking me that question lots of time.
I think I am finally letting go of John I know how happy he is with his new life and he si doing good for himself and he never loved me in the 1st place I was just a fool to think he even did, he should have left me years ago why he didn't is beyond me but he didn't. I loved him more than anything and anyone he was my one true life but maybe he and I both missed out on things being so young when we started and got together so now I am experiencing life the way it is supposed to be and some days are good and others are bad but the one positive thing is I have the most wonderful and beautiful daughter that I could ever ask for so I am so happy to have her because Miss Boo mommy loves you with all her heart!!!!
Anyway well that is my update for now sorry I havn't wrote in a few days I have been getting ready for my mom's wedding which is also very soon and I am excited for her and I hope everything goes wonderful them. The wedding is October 13th. I am off to bed now guys.
Well I have been at mom's and things weren't going too too bad so it was an ok time for me there, maybe it has to do with the fact that they were not home until late at night and Amanda usually stayed in her room so it was just basically Alexis and I. Well I was talking to John on the phone and told him that I didnt think Alexis was feeling good and that she was running a fever so he decided to come out and get us so I could take her in to the outpatients so she could see a doctor well that took forever it was a very long wait and they needed a urine sample from her and well she just wouldn't pee. We took her home and after the 3rd attempt I finally put that bag on her right and caught her pee. John drove me up to the hospital and I watied while they tested it and well they told me to bring her back up and re-register her again so I did that and she saw the doctor, this time it was a different one and she was awesome and treated Alexis for a bladder infection and sent the paper out for her to have an ultrasound.
Alexis still isn't feeling good and she goes for her U/S on her 1st birthday the poor girl so she will have that done on October 10th. I am really hoping there isn't anything wrong with her she has never been this sick and this is her 1st fever she has ever had so I am really worried about her.
John is being nice to me for some odd reason I have no idea why but it is just a weird feeling I have about it. I mean I like it when he is nice for sure but I also liked him when he was hateful and I am just used to him and not scared of him. I have 2 guys interested in me and to tell you the truth I am scared to death of them why I don't know I just am. John is the only one I am not scared of but I used to be as well. I don't want this to stop me from meeting Mr. Right if there is such thing I really don't know anymore I still find myself asking me that question lots of time.
I think I am finally letting go of John I know how happy he is with his new life and he si doing good for himself and he never loved me in the 1st place I was just a fool to think he even did, he should have left me years ago why he didn't is beyond me but he didn't. I loved him more than anything and anyone he was my one true life but maybe he and I both missed out on things being so young when we started and got together so now I am experiencing life the way it is supposed to be and some days are good and others are bad but the one positive thing is I have the most wonderful and beautiful daughter that I could ever ask for so I am so happy to have her because Miss Boo mommy loves you with all her heart!!!!
Anyway well that is my update for now sorry I havn't wrote in a few days I have been getting ready for my mom's wedding which is also very soon and I am excited for her and I hope everything goes wonderful them. The wedding is October 13th. I am off to bed now guys.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Not a good day...
Hey guys,
I am just so upset right now so please be patient while I try to explain this it isn't easy and I am so confused and frusterated on what I should do. John asked me for $40.00 and well I have it to lend him but I said NO! when he asked because why would I say yes yet again. Everytime I have said yes I am always put down after he has gotton the money and I really couldn't go through all that hurt again I can't seem to take alot right now and that might put me over the edge this hasn't been an easy breakup for me but to him it is great because in his eyes he didn't think twice about dumping me like I was nothing to him and like I meant nothing to him, and he had no problem replacing me.
I met a really nice guy this weekend he has 2 kids and he is good to them and he is a true gentlemen but that isn't really what I am looking for right now I really feel like I am not ready to date and that I wouldn't be faithful to anyone because I still love John he was my # 1 person in my life. I have mixed feelings on everything right now but in my opinion and the way my heart feels right now I am not ready to go through this right now I can't take it or deal with anything right now. I just wish he would come back to me I really love John and it hurts because it just hurts way to much still my heart still hasn't healed at all I don't think.
I had a good day out with my family and friends if it wasn't for them and my daughter then I don't know where I would be right now. It scares me to even think of that because I have been put through alot of shit and I feel like I have been to hell and back and I don't think it is really fair what he has done to me. I went bowling and out for supper it was great Alexis was so good and had a fun time and we got lots of pics so over all it was good.
Then this shit starts and that always seems to wreck the good fun times I am having because then I go in my depression state and that isn't good but I really can't help that I just don't know how to make it go away. Anyway I am heading to bed soon but I will say one last thing before I end it....YOU ARE ONE LUCKY GIRL TAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you John more than you will ever know.................
G2G Bye!
I am just so upset right now so please be patient while I try to explain this it isn't easy and I am so confused and frusterated on what I should do. John asked me for $40.00 and well I have it to lend him but I said NO! when he asked because why would I say yes yet again. Everytime I have said yes I am always put down after he has gotton the money and I really couldn't go through all that hurt again I can't seem to take alot right now and that might put me over the edge this hasn't been an easy breakup for me but to him it is great because in his eyes he didn't think twice about dumping me like I was nothing to him and like I meant nothing to him, and he had no problem replacing me.
I met a really nice guy this weekend he has 2 kids and he is good to them and he is a true gentlemen but that isn't really what I am looking for right now I really feel like I am not ready to date and that I wouldn't be faithful to anyone because I still love John he was my # 1 person in my life. I have mixed feelings on everything right now but in my opinion and the way my heart feels right now I am not ready to go through this right now I can't take it or deal with anything right now. I just wish he would come back to me I really love John and it hurts because it just hurts way to much still my heart still hasn't healed at all I don't think.
I had a good day out with my family and friends if it wasn't for them and my daughter then I don't know where I would be right now. It scares me to even think of that because I have been put through alot of shit and I feel like I have been to hell and back and I don't think it is really fair what he has done to me. I went bowling and out for supper it was great Alexis was so good and had a fun time and we got lots of pics so over all it was good.
Then this shit starts and that always seems to wreck the good fun times I am having because then I go in my depression state and that isn't good but I really can't help that I just don't know how to make it go away. Anyway I am heading to bed soon but I will say one last thing before I end it....YOU ARE ONE LUCKY GIRL TAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you John more than you will ever know.................
G2G Bye!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
A happy day...
Hey guys,
Today has been great and just plain wonderful! It feels so good to say that just because of all the shit I have been through lately it was nice to have a break from all the bad memories and today I concentrated on the good memories that we shared and that seemed to help alot. I must say I had a busy non stop day though I am finally winding down now and trying desperately to get Alexis to sleep...hopefully she crashes soon that would be great!
Well I am on a new med it is called Effexcer so hopefully even though as my Doctor pointed out I am still in this situation as much as I don't want to be I have to be for now. Anyway I looked at him today and said I just want to be happy again and feel the way I did when I was with John. He said he couldn't tell me that this was going to work so he is only trying it and he is increasing the dosage slowly so a week at a time. I took my first 1 today so we will see how that goes.
Well anyway I will now tell you why I had such a good day...I woke up and got ready showered and headed for town then I went and met John's parents at least they still like me that helps alot knowing I will always have their support and that they will always be there for me. Anyway I did some running around with them. I got my hair cut and styled so that was nice and my hair feels so soft now so that is great. I walked to meet up with his parents again and off I went to do some more running around and then I had my doctor's appt which didn't go the way I wanted it to but hopefully I am back to normal very soon and before I know it. After that I went and picked up my perscription and went back to the Mackays so that wasn't too bad I didn't want to be there but I had to be so I could feed Alexis and take care of her and Amanda was coming to get me in a couple of hours so it wasn't to bad. John was amazingly nice to me and that felt so good and it reminded me of old times and all I thought about was the good ones I left the bad ones behind this time. I went and bought them sugar because they had none so that was awesome and they were happy about that one. I didn't realize how expensive sugar was untill you have to buy it lol.
Anyway it has just been a wonder day and I hope are more to follow it because that would be great! I will write more but right now I am off to bed because Alexis FINALLY went to sleep so that is great and when she is asleep that means her mommy can sleep.
G2G Bye!
Today has been great and just plain wonderful! It feels so good to say that just because of all the shit I have been through lately it was nice to have a break from all the bad memories and today I concentrated on the good memories that we shared and that seemed to help alot. I must say I had a busy non stop day though I am finally winding down now and trying desperately to get Alexis to sleep...hopefully she crashes soon that would be great!
Well I am on a new med it is called Effexcer so hopefully even though as my Doctor pointed out I am still in this situation as much as I don't want to be I have to be for now. Anyway I looked at him today and said I just want to be happy again and feel the way I did when I was with John. He said he couldn't tell me that this was going to work so he is only trying it and he is increasing the dosage slowly so a week at a time. I took my first 1 today so we will see how that goes.
Well anyway I will now tell you why I had such a good day...I woke up and got ready showered and headed for town then I went and met John's parents at least they still like me that helps alot knowing I will always have their support and that they will always be there for me. Anyway I did some running around with them. I got my hair cut and styled so that was nice and my hair feels so soft now so that is great. I walked to meet up with his parents again and off I went to do some more running around and then I had my doctor's appt which didn't go the way I wanted it to but hopefully I am back to normal very soon and before I know it. After that I went and picked up my perscription and went back to the Mackays so that wasn't too bad I didn't want to be there but I had to be so I could feed Alexis and take care of her and Amanda was coming to get me in a couple of hours so it wasn't to bad. John was amazingly nice to me and that felt so good and it reminded me of old times and all I thought about was the good ones I left the bad ones behind this time. I went and bought them sugar because they had none so that was awesome and they were happy about that one. I didn't realize how expensive sugar was untill you have to buy it lol.
Anyway it has just been a wonder day and I hope are more to follow it because that would be great! I will write more but right now I am off to bed because Alexis FINALLY went to sleep so that is great and when she is asleep that means her mommy can sleep.
G2G Bye!
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Don't know what to think...
Hey guys,
I seem to be on the go now alot especially with this week, but once it is over with then I think it will slow down again. I mean I am doing a course and I am loving it, and it is good and teaching me alot but then when I come home again everything hit me again and it is like BANG everything hits me and it hits me hard BIG time!
Well I have had to be at my ex's and as much as I miss it there I don't want to be there at all so I try to get Alexis and take her out and that is what I have been doing when I have had to be there and then when I have to go somewhere John's mom takes her and watches her so I can do that. If it wasn't for John's mom then I wouldn't be able to have a life without Alexis(ok that sounds bad but I mean like the courses I am taking Alexis can't be there with me when I am doing them so that is all I meant by that, don't get me wrong I love my daughter I really do she is my everything and always will be!) So I really think highly of John's mom and thank her everyday and I call her everyday just to see how she is. She still thinks of me as her daughter-inlaw and I asked her not too but she does why I don't know because I am not I am nothing to her anymore yes even though John and I were not married but she has know me for 7 years so it is almost as we were married and she thinks as me as hers when I know and she knows that I will never be.
I did have alot of fun tonight just playing in the park although I had to find one that John and his gf didn't fool around in because I didn't want to be reminded of the bad things that went wrong so yah we went and played on all the equipment it was nice to get away and have fun for once and do something for me for once. I still think of my life alot and all the mistakes I made and all the times I had some were good some were bad but they are still in my head and I see them over and over again they seem to be on replay.
As I was talking to one of my friends tonight I looked at them and said you know what John makes me feel like I am a nobody worthless no good to anyone I am nothing and if I wasn't good enough for a MacKay boy then who am I good enough for that person couldn't argue with me and they knew it was the truth and the truth hurts but there is nothing I can do about that now is there? I ask myself everyday if I was different then would he have loved me? and I really don't know that answer but like a movie I hear it and see it everywhere I go and everything I do reminds something about John...He gave me a key chain once and he even picked it out himself and to this day it is my favorite and key chains are something I collect so it means alot to me and it was a silver heart and it had the poem or saying on it "I LOVE YOU TODAY FOREVER AND ALWAYS" to me if you give someone that you are susposed to mean it I don't know maybe that is just me but I love my key chain and even got all teary eyed when he gave it to me it was the sweetest thing and it came from his heart.
In the near future I just want to be me and find out where I belong and who I belong too in this world that is my goal and I attend to reach it and find my destination and then maybe just maybe I might be myself the happy person I was when I started going out with John those few years ago. I was happy to have a boyfriend that young and to still have one throughout high school and graduation was a big accomplishment in my life. I loved the idea of belonging to someone and the love I used to get from him was good and I think that is what I miss the most from him is the hugs he would give me or the little kiss he would sneak me I really miss those special moments but things happen for a reason and even though I don't know what that is yet...maybe Mr. Right is just around the corner I think I am meeting someone yes I guy on saturday so I am not sure how I am feeling about that right now because how do I know he isn't like John says he loves me when really he hated me all these years? Am I ready to try again to go through this all over again to wind up being hurt? How can I trust someone else I put all my trust in the man I loved and look wow I am single because I wasn't good enough I didn't make him happy anymore. I honestly did try I just wish he would have left me and not cheated on me first that is what hurts and what is a constant reminder to me.
Anyway I think this is all I have for now I just don't feel any good about myself and I know why and I hope to change that because inside I am an amazing person and I just don't feel that anymore because of everything I have been through. I really want to change and be me again but I am just having issues dealing with everything right now. Well it is bedtime I have a Dr Appt tomorrow so we will see how that goes.
G2G Bye!
I seem to be on the go now alot especially with this week, but once it is over with then I think it will slow down again. I mean I am doing a course and I am loving it, and it is good and teaching me alot but then when I come home again everything hit me again and it is like BANG everything hits me and it hits me hard BIG time!
Well I have had to be at my ex's and as much as I miss it there I don't want to be there at all so I try to get Alexis and take her out and that is what I have been doing when I have had to be there and then when I have to go somewhere John's mom takes her and watches her so I can do that. If it wasn't for John's mom then I wouldn't be able to have a life without Alexis(ok that sounds bad but I mean like the courses I am taking Alexis can't be there with me when I am doing them so that is all I meant by that, don't get me wrong I love my daughter I really do she is my everything and always will be!) So I really think highly of John's mom and thank her everyday and I call her everyday just to see how she is. She still thinks of me as her daughter-inlaw and I asked her not too but she does why I don't know because I am not I am nothing to her anymore yes even though John and I were not married but she has know me for 7 years so it is almost as we were married and she thinks as me as hers when I know and she knows that I will never be.
I did have alot of fun tonight just playing in the park although I had to find one that John and his gf didn't fool around in because I didn't want to be reminded of the bad things that went wrong so yah we went and played on all the equipment it was nice to get away and have fun for once and do something for me for once. I still think of my life alot and all the mistakes I made and all the times I had some were good some were bad but they are still in my head and I see them over and over again they seem to be on replay.
As I was talking to one of my friends tonight I looked at them and said you know what John makes me feel like I am a nobody worthless no good to anyone I am nothing and if I wasn't good enough for a MacKay boy then who am I good enough for that person couldn't argue with me and they knew it was the truth and the truth hurts but there is nothing I can do about that now is there? I ask myself everyday if I was different then would he have loved me? and I really don't know that answer but like a movie I hear it and see it everywhere I go and everything I do reminds something about John...He gave me a key chain once and he even picked it out himself and to this day it is my favorite and key chains are something I collect so it means alot to me and it was a silver heart and it had the poem or saying on it "I LOVE YOU TODAY FOREVER AND ALWAYS" to me if you give someone that you are susposed to mean it I don't know maybe that is just me but I love my key chain and even got all teary eyed when he gave it to me it was the sweetest thing and it came from his heart.
In the near future I just want to be me and find out where I belong and who I belong too in this world that is my goal and I attend to reach it and find my destination and then maybe just maybe I might be myself the happy person I was when I started going out with John those few years ago. I was happy to have a boyfriend that young and to still have one throughout high school and graduation was a big accomplishment in my life. I loved the idea of belonging to someone and the love I used to get from him was good and I think that is what I miss the most from him is the hugs he would give me or the little kiss he would sneak me I really miss those special moments but things happen for a reason and even though I don't know what that is yet...maybe Mr. Right is just around the corner I think I am meeting someone yes I guy on saturday so I am not sure how I am feeling about that right now because how do I know he isn't like John says he loves me when really he hated me all these years? Am I ready to try again to go through this all over again to wind up being hurt? How can I trust someone else I put all my trust in the man I loved and look wow I am single because I wasn't good enough I didn't make him happy anymore. I honestly did try I just wish he would have left me and not cheated on me first that is what hurts and what is a constant reminder to me.
Anyway I think this is all I have for now I just don't feel any good about myself and I know why and I hope to change that because inside I am an amazing person and I just don't feel that anymore because of everything I have been through. I really want to change and be me again but I am just having issues dealing with everything right now. Well it is bedtime I have a Dr Appt tomorrow so we will see how that goes.
G2G Bye!
Monday, September 24, 2007
Made up my mind...
Hey guys,
Well I have been trying not to think about all the bad things that have gone wrong in my life and I am not doing too bad with that one right now. I am currently working on my resume and if anything is frsuterating me it is that for sure!
I have finally made up my mind that I am NOT paying John's jeep payment when it is due next month I just can't do it and be hurt again. I mean if we were together again then yes I would do it for sure and wouldn't think twice about it, but we are not together and I always wind up getting hurt in the end and that isn't fair to me, and I really just can't do that anymore. I am not trying to be mean and I have thought about it alot and all I really can do is wait and sees what happens in the next week or so.
I have had a pretty good day it hasn't been that exciting but it hasn't been bad either. I got up at 11ish(oh trust me my day started at 3:30am) That is when Alexis decided it was time to get up and play(I had other ideas) but anyway she finally went back to sleep and it was all good. John;s mom called so she came and picked up Alexis and me and we headed into town and that is where I did some running around and got things done so I was pleased about that. I went for a walk and tried out the new stroller I love it!! Then I headed back to John's and his gf was just walking through the door and off he went down stairs with her and he didn't even say good bye to Alexis I felt bad for her. I went and got my eye brows waxed and then came back home and noone was here so I was a bit lonely and I really do hate that feeling. I gave Alexis a bath and worked on my resume and well I gave up on that idea and hired someone to help me with it(thanks Lisa!) and then my sister took Alexis and walked around with her for an hour while I could get this done(thanks Amanda!) so that was nice of her and she also got to spend some time with her neice so that was good. Well my resume is done and I am happy for that so now I am off to find a job tomorrow.
Well that is right I have been thinking about going back to work John's mom said she would babysit for me and I figure that me working would be a good thing and that way I can provide for my daughter and not be so fiancially stressed all the time. I am applying to a few places tomorrow and I hope to hear back from them soon. I am really excited about going back to work because I love working and I am hoping I will meet new ppl so that is what I am looking forward too.
Anyway it is getting late and if Alexis does what she did last night then I am in trouble and I also have to be up really early tomorrow morning so I better be getting to bed. I will update tomorrow hopefully on how the job hunting went.
G2G Bye!
Well I have been trying not to think about all the bad things that have gone wrong in my life and I am not doing too bad with that one right now. I am currently working on my resume and if anything is frsuterating me it is that for sure!
I have finally made up my mind that I am NOT paying John's jeep payment when it is due next month I just can't do it and be hurt again. I mean if we were together again then yes I would do it for sure and wouldn't think twice about it, but we are not together and I always wind up getting hurt in the end and that isn't fair to me, and I really just can't do that anymore. I am not trying to be mean and I have thought about it alot and all I really can do is wait and sees what happens in the next week or so.
I have had a pretty good day it hasn't been that exciting but it hasn't been bad either. I got up at 11ish(oh trust me my day started at 3:30am) That is when Alexis decided it was time to get up and play(I had other ideas) but anyway she finally went back to sleep and it was all good. John;s mom called so she came and picked up Alexis and me and we headed into town and that is where I did some running around and got things done so I was pleased about that. I went for a walk and tried out the new stroller I love it!! Then I headed back to John's and his gf was just walking through the door and off he went down stairs with her and he didn't even say good bye to Alexis I felt bad for her. I went and got my eye brows waxed and then came back home and noone was here so I was a bit lonely and I really do hate that feeling. I gave Alexis a bath and worked on my resume and well I gave up on that idea and hired someone to help me with it(thanks Lisa!) and then my sister took Alexis and walked around with her for an hour while I could get this done(thanks Amanda!) so that was nice of her and she also got to spend some time with her neice so that was good. Well my resume is done and I am happy for that so now I am off to find a job tomorrow.
Well that is right I have been thinking about going back to work John's mom said she would babysit for me and I figure that me working would be a good thing and that way I can provide for my daughter and not be so fiancially stressed all the time. I am applying to a few places tomorrow and I hope to hear back from them soon. I am really excited about going back to work because I love working and I am hoping I will meet new ppl so that is what I am looking forward too.
Anyway it is getting late and if Alexis does what she did last night then I am in trouble and I also have to be up really early tomorrow morning so I better be getting to bed. I will update tomorrow hopefully on how the job hunting went.
G2G Bye!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Depression...
Hey guys,
Well depression is getting the best of me that is for sure. I am not sure what to think anymore and I can't help to blame myself for what has gone wrong.
I seem to feel sad and hurt all the time and when I am out here by myself I have alot of time to think about shit and that isn't good because when I start thinking I can't stop and then I find myself crying all over again. This isn't fair to Alexis how can John and I do this to her. I can't even put her down without her thinking I am going to leave her and that makes me more upset.
My life isn't getting any better and I really feel it is getting worst why I don't know maybe it is because I havn't had sex since July 9th and that was with John of course he is the only one I have ever slept with and I thought that was a good thing and now I really don't know what to think anymore I really don't. Sorry if that was too much information but it was on my mind so I had to write it.
Tonight hasn't been an easy night it has been rough a long. The nights always seem lonley now and I hate it I hate everything about it. There is nothing I can do to change any of it because if I could I would so I just have to give it time and that is what I have been trying to do but it isn't easy that is for sure. I don't think there will ever be a day that it will be easy and that I won't have this heartache anymore.
I havn't talk to John in days and that is what my intentions were so I am doing good that way, but I miss him like crazy even if he was an ass or is an ass I still miss having him hug me or kiss me or even just hold me like he used to there I go again on with the thinking I need to stop doing this it is hurting way to much and I can't take it. I plan on not talking to him EVER again if I can help it when he needs money I am not giving it to him I am all done with that bullshit because it is me that is getting hurt not him.
Anyway that is all what is on my mind for now but if I start thinking again then there will be more I just want to stop crying that would be a good start and then I would take it from there because I try to hold back the tears so no one sees me crying but the truth is I cry myself to sleep almost every night it is an awful feeling and the nights are so lonely I just want someone to cuddle me again like I am used to having. Will that ever happen will I ever have that wonderful feeling of being so close to someone I often wonder????????
G2G Bye!
Well depression is getting the best of me that is for sure. I am not sure what to think anymore and I can't help to blame myself for what has gone wrong.
I seem to feel sad and hurt all the time and when I am out here by myself I have alot of time to think about shit and that isn't good because when I start thinking I can't stop and then I find myself crying all over again. This isn't fair to Alexis how can John and I do this to her. I can't even put her down without her thinking I am going to leave her and that makes me more upset.
My life isn't getting any better and I really feel it is getting worst why I don't know maybe it is because I havn't had sex since July 9th and that was with John of course he is the only one I have ever slept with and I thought that was a good thing and now I really don't know what to think anymore I really don't. Sorry if that was too much information but it was on my mind so I had to write it.
Tonight hasn't been an easy night it has been rough a long. The nights always seem lonley now and I hate it I hate everything about it. There is nothing I can do to change any of it because if I could I would so I just have to give it time and that is what I have been trying to do but it isn't easy that is for sure. I don't think there will ever be a day that it will be easy and that I won't have this heartache anymore.
I havn't talk to John in days and that is what my intentions were so I am doing good that way, but I miss him like crazy even if he was an ass or is an ass I still miss having him hug me or kiss me or even just hold me like he used to there I go again on with the thinking I need to stop doing this it is hurting way to much and I can't take it. I plan on not talking to him EVER again if I can help it when he needs money I am not giving it to him I am all done with that bullshit because it is me that is getting hurt not him.
Anyway that is all what is on my mind for now but if I start thinking again then there will be more I just want to stop crying that would be a good start and then I would take it from there because I try to hold back the tears so no one sees me crying but the truth is I cry myself to sleep almost every night it is an awful feeling and the nights are so lonely I just want someone to cuddle me again like I am used to having. Will that ever happen will I ever have that wonderful feeling of being so close to someone I often wonder????????
G2G Bye!
My future and my pass...
Hey guys,
Well I went and got my tea leaves read yesterday with Jess and well I was surprised by what she told me... The initals stand for the 1st or last name of a guy or girl.
This is what is on my saucer:
1) Big Surprise! A tall man will run into you, you'll talk alot. He might have moved away, or went away on a trip. You either went to school or grew up together. He is interested in you and he will want to know if you are with anyone. He is about 6 ft tall and I will be surprised by him showing up or what he says. This will be a serious, long lasting relationship (maybe J or T inital)
2) Someone "T" will have a baby boy- I am thinking this will be my cousin's husband Tim because Cara(my cousin) is pregnant right now.
3) I will be signing papers for getting a 4 digit sum loan of some sort.
4) I will have a job interview and a job offer in a low building 2 floors stretched out.
This is what my cup had:
1) A good friend or cousin will be married next year with the intial "K" August 2008.
2) I am going to see a Doctor about a serious surgery and everything will be ok though. ( This has already happened, I had surgery on August 9th 2007)
3) Your taking a guy to court, Legal issues, He's a jerk, asshole and fuckhead(according to the reader) who manipulates you and holds the baby(I didn't even tell her I had a baby) over your head. He doesn't do anything for her. You take him to court either with a Lawyer or just Family court in about 9 months -September 2008 it will be a long, drawn out process. He will distance himself away from the baby.
4) New guy will love your child and things are going to work out ok and he will hate baby's father for not loving her.
5) You will be living with this new guy down the road. You will live closer to his family than yours.
6) Your invited to another wedding next year with the inital "A".
7) Purchase of a vehicle, need a car. Get fed up ad will get a car, someone in the family will back you up and help you out.
8) You will pass your drivers test!!!!
9) Funeral of an older, big woman about 5'4" tall. It will be sudden she isn't elderly and the initals are either a "B" or "R". Connected but not close.
10) New guy talks about getting married, you or him may bring up the idea of him adopting my child, it is more his idea than mine. The baby's father will not approve of this and will not sign the papers. Some problems but not arguing.
11) A road trip for 4 girls to the states(USA).
12) Talk about getting a house, it is a family house, lived in house. We do not live with either one of our parents. The house is either a 1 1/2 story or 2 stories.
Well that is all of them so I am not sure what to think of it still. I wish I knew who this guy was that she talked about it is driving me crazy not knowing lol.
Well that is all for tonight will write more later.
G2G Bye!
Well I went and got my tea leaves read yesterday with Jess and well I was surprised by what she told me... The initals stand for the 1st or last name of a guy or girl.
This is what is on my saucer:
1) Big Surprise! A tall man will run into you, you'll talk alot. He might have moved away, or went away on a trip. You either went to school or grew up together. He is interested in you and he will want to know if you are with anyone. He is about 6 ft tall and I will be surprised by him showing up or what he says. This will be a serious, long lasting relationship (maybe J or T inital)
2) Someone "T" will have a baby boy- I am thinking this will be my cousin's husband Tim because Cara(my cousin) is pregnant right now.
3) I will be signing papers for getting a 4 digit sum loan of some sort.
4) I will have a job interview and a job offer in a low building 2 floors stretched out.
This is what my cup had:
1) A good friend or cousin will be married next year with the intial "K" August 2008.
2) I am going to see a Doctor about a serious surgery and everything will be ok though. ( This has already happened, I had surgery on August 9th 2007)
3) Your taking a guy to court, Legal issues, He's a jerk, asshole and fuckhead(according to the reader) who manipulates you and holds the baby(I didn't even tell her I had a baby) over your head. He doesn't do anything for her. You take him to court either with a Lawyer or just Family court in about 9 months -September 2008 it will be a long, drawn out process. He will distance himself away from the baby.
4) New guy will love your child and things are going to work out ok and he will hate baby's father for not loving her.
5) You will be living with this new guy down the road. You will live closer to his family than yours.
6) Your invited to another wedding next year with the inital "A".
7) Purchase of a vehicle, need a car. Get fed up ad will get a car, someone in the family will back you up and help you out.
8) You will pass your drivers test!!!!
9) Funeral of an older, big woman about 5'4" tall. It will be sudden she isn't elderly and the initals are either a "B" or "R". Connected but not close.
10) New guy talks about getting married, you or him may bring up the idea of him adopting my child, it is more his idea than mine. The baby's father will not approve of this and will not sign the papers. Some problems but not arguing.
11) A road trip for 4 girls to the states(USA).
12) Talk about getting a house, it is a family house, lived in house. We do not live with either one of our parents. The house is either a 1 1/2 story or 2 stories.
Well that is all of them so I am not sure what to think of it still. I wish I knew who this guy was that she talked about it is driving me crazy not knowing lol.
Well that is all for tonight will write more later.
G2G Bye!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Don't know what to think...
Hey guys,
I am so confused and my heartache isn't getting better.....not even a little bit. I just want to be back to normal and right now that isn't happening and life isn't like I "pictured" it to be.
I was at the Mackay's and had to leave because when I was outside I just started bawling why I don't know but I did and couldn't help it. I had memeories that kept replaying over and over in my head and that made me think and then I just lost it.
I walked in the house and handed the baby over who was probably covered in her mommy's tears and then I left because I couldn't deal with anything at the time and I still can't I am distancing myself away from that family because it is just too hard and I try not to think about shit and that backfires and just gets thown in my face always in the end and I can't take that.
Anyway I asked myself is there ever going to come a day that I will just stop loving John? He has put me through hell and back these past few months but I can't stop loving him and thinking about him constantly. I just wish he would get out of my head and leave. I love Alexis and when I look at her I see him....she is a spitting image of her father which I am glad that she is but it makes it hard to look at her without thinking of him again, because we have Alexis together it makes it really hard to think and act like he doesn't exist when I know he does and I know Alexis has to see her father, so that is what makes it so harder on me and I really feel sorry for Alexis....this is so not fair to her to be bounced around and back and forth and to see her mother cry all the time I try to hold back the tears but sometimes they just come and I can't stop them as John always called me was a crybaby......
I have to go I just can't take anymore and I am done writing and talking for the night.
G2G Bye!
I am so confused and my heartache isn't getting better.....not even a little bit. I just want to be back to normal and right now that isn't happening and life isn't like I "pictured" it to be.
I was at the Mackay's and had to leave because when I was outside I just started bawling why I don't know but I did and couldn't help it. I had memeories that kept replaying over and over in my head and that made me think and then I just lost it.
I walked in the house and handed the baby over who was probably covered in her mommy's tears and then I left because I couldn't deal with anything at the time and I still can't I am distancing myself away from that family because it is just too hard and I try not to think about shit and that backfires and just gets thown in my face always in the end and I can't take that.
Anyway I asked myself is there ever going to come a day that I will just stop loving John? He has put me through hell and back these past few months but I can't stop loving him and thinking about him constantly. I just wish he would get out of my head and leave. I love Alexis and when I look at her I see him....she is a spitting image of her father which I am glad that she is but it makes it hard to look at her without thinking of him again, because we have Alexis together it makes it really hard to think and act like he doesn't exist when I know he does and I know Alexis has to see her father, so that is what makes it so harder on me and I really feel sorry for Alexis....this is so not fair to her to be bounced around and back and forth and to see her mother cry all the time I try to hold back the tears but sometimes they just come and I can't stop them as John always called me was a crybaby......
I have to go I just can't take anymore and I am done writing and talking for the night.
G2G Bye!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Broken...
Hey guys,
Well I have a broken phone, broken heart I was having an awful day yesterday. I was talking to my dad on my cell while I was cleaning and well I dropped the phone in the toliet(clean water thank god) but still it works but not right so I am going to see what I can do about that. Maybe it can be fixed you never know.
I got thinking about alot of things yesterday and well that just made me more upset I thought about everything from the time I could remember to now and well that made me more depressed. I didn't have an easy childhood, my father was hardly ever around and when he was he was sleeping or busy doing something. He work 3 jobs so he could give us what we needed and wanted and so he could make mom happy because she would have money to spend which always made her happy. My mom left my dad Xmas Eve and left my sister and I with him that night and I remember I wanted to go with mom and dad said if I went to sleep and stopped crying he would give me 25 cents so that was pretty good and I was happy to have that. Our Xmas was ruined and has never been the same from that time on... I met John and he hated Xmas too but together we survived it and went on with the new years to come, and when our daughter was born I think for the both of us it was the best Xmas ever....that was just last year what happens this year she is in a broken family because of her father. I wish for my Xmas wish that he would come back to me and make it work for Alexis and we could be a happy family again.
I don't think I ever want to be with someone new how could I be and if my daughter's father hated me so much then so would all the other guys I know it I was surprised I even had a boyfriend during the school years but I did and that was John and I love him and always will I just wish he would see that I wouldn't do things for him if I didn't love him and cared about him. Yes we had our fights but who doesn't and if he and I got back together I would change I really would why can't he see that I have been trying.
Anyway I still have sucidal thoughts go through my head and I can't control or stop them they are just there and I am afraid of them coming true because if I got upset enough then I know I would just do myself in because right now I just want the pain to go away and it is always still there I may look happy but really I am hurting and slowly I am dying of a broken heart. I know that is what it is from and there is nothing that I can do to fix it but John could he just deosn't want to.
Anyway my pills help me sleep but that is it and there are not helping me other ways like they are susposed to so maybe my doctor will have a solution for me. That is all for now got a baby to go take care of.
G2G Bye!
Well I have a broken phone, broken heart I was having an awful day yesterday. I was talking to my dad on my cell while I was cleaning and well I dropped the phone in the toliet(clean water thank god) but still it works but not right so I am going to see what I can do about that. Maybe it can be fixed you never know.
I got thinking about alot of things yesterday and well that just made me more upset I thought about everything from the time I could remember to now and well that made me more depressed. I didn't have an easy childhood, my father was hardly ever around and when he was he was sleeping or busy doing something. He work 3 jobs so he could give us what we needed and wanted and so he could make mom happy because she would have money to spend which always made her happy. My mom left my dad Xmas Eve and left my sister and I with him that night and I remember I wanted to go with mom and dad said if I went to sleep and stopped crying he would give me 25 cents so that was pretty good and I was happy to have that. Our Xmas was ruined and has never been the same from that time on... I met John and he hated Xmas too but together we survived it and went on with the new years to come, and when our daughter was born I think for the both of us it was the best Xmas ever....that was just last year what happens this year she is in a broken family because of her father. I wish for my Xmas wish that he would come back to me and make it work for Alexis and we could be a happy family again.
I don't think I ever want to be with someone new how could I be and if my daughter's father hated me so much then so would all the other guys I know it I was surprised I even had a boyfriend during the school years but I did and that was John and I love him and always will I just wish he would see that I wouldn't do things for him if I didn't love him and cared about him. Yes we had our fights but who doesn't and if he and I got back together I would change I really would why can't he see that I have been trying.
Anyway I still have sucidal thoughts go through my head and I can't control or stop them they are just there and I am afraid of them coming true because if I got upset enough then I know I would just do myself in because right now I just want the pain to go away and it is always still there I may look happy but really I am hurting and slowly I am dying of a broken heart. I know that is what it is from and there is nothing that I can do to fix it but John could he just deosn't want to.
Anyway my pills help me sleep but that is it and there are not helping me other ways like they are susposed to so maybe my doctor will have a solution for me. That is all for now got a baby to go take care of.
G2G Bye!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
A rough night...
Hey guys,
Well last night it wasn't easy. I was so upset and got thinking about life and the way it was and the way it went and even though I want to get all these thoughts out of my head I can't.......I have tried. I hear certain songs and then comes the tears so I find myself crying alot and my heart is hurting more than ever I just wish he would come over and give me a hug because that is what I need right now just for him to hug me and for me to stop holding on.
Last night Alexis had a rough night the poor baby was teething so bad and she just didn't want to do anything besides cry and she was so upset and in so much pain I feel so bad for her and there was nothing I could do, besides hold her till she went to sleep. She finally went to sleep and stayed asleep and today when she woke up she has a little tooth poking through so that is exciting.
Well I go see my family doctor on the 27th of this month because he put me on anti depressants but I really don't think they are doing what they are susposed to do besides they help me sleep which is good but I still have sucidal thoughts running through my head and awful scary dreams that I will wake up and find myself crying. Anyway so yah I need to get my body and myself back to normal, so I am going to see what he says when I go see him.
Anyway Alexis needs to be fed it's her lunch time!
G2G Bye!
Well last night it wasn't easy. I was so upset and got thinking about life and the way it was and the way it went and even though I want to get all these thoughts out of my head I can't.......I have tried. I hear certain songs and then comes the tears so I find myself crying alot and my heart is hurting more than ever I just wish he would come over and give me a hug because that is what I need right now just for him to hug me and for me to stop holding on.
Last night Alexis had a rough night the poor baby was teething so bad and she just didn't want to do anything besides cry and she was so upset and in so much pain I feel so bad for her and there was nothing I could do, besides hold her till she went to sleep. She finally went to sleep and stayed asleep and today when she woke up she has a little tooth poking through so that is exciting.
Well I go see my family doctor on the 27th of this month because he put me on anti depressants but I really don't think they are doing what they are susposed to do besides they help me sleep which is good but I still have sucidal thoughts running through my head and awful scary dreams that I will wake up and find myself crying. Anyway so yah I need to get my body and myself back to normal, so I am going to see what he says when I go see him.
Anyway Alexis needs to be fed it's her lunch time!
G2G Bye!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Great weekend...
Hey guys,
I have been having so much fun this weekend it isn't funny it has just been a blast! I went to Moncton yesterday with my parents and Jess and Alexis came too. We did some shopping and then went to eat at Ponderosa(my favorite resturant) it was good and the food and the prices were amazing. After there we went back to Jess's parents and mom and Clarence looked and bought their pool table that they had for sale from them so that was good.
We then headed to my mom's and stay and visited them for awhile and they had so much fun with the baby it was awesome, and the baby had a blast too she was laughing and giggling it was great to see my little girl so happy! We then headed back into town dropped off Alexis and went over to Sussex Corner and played Poker- Texas Hold'em so for me never playing before I liked it and didn't come in last Peirce did so I thought that was pretty good.
Anyway after that we decided it was getting late like 1:30ish am late so we dropped Peirce off and headed back to Jess's and then we went to bed because we were soo super tired.
That about covers everything for now I will write more tonight I am going back to the ex's so I can see my daughter so we will see how that goes and I need to be in town incase I need to go get Alexis' results from the doctor.
G2G Bye!
I have been having so much fun this weekend it isn't funny it has just been a blast! I went to Moncton yesterday with my parents and Jess and Alexis came too. We did some shopping and then went to eat at Ponderosa(my favorite resturant) it was good and the food and the prices were amazing. After there we went back to Jess's parents and mom and Clarence looked and bought their pool table that they had for sale from them so that was good.
We then headed to my mom's and stay and visited them for awhile and they had so much fun with the baby it was awesome, and the baby had a blast too she was laughing and giggling it was great to see my little girl so happy! We then headed back into town dropped off Alexis and went over to Sussex Corner and played Poker- Texas Hold'em so for me never playing before I liked it and didn't come in last Peirce did so I thought that was pretty good.
Anyway after that we decided it was getting late like 1:30ish am late so we dropped Peirce off and headed back to Jess's and then we went to bed because we were soo super tired.
That about covers everything for now I will write more tonight I am going back to the ex's so I can see my daughter so we will see how that goes and I need to be in town incase I need to go get Alexis' results from the doctor.
G2G Bye!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
What a kick ass night...
Hey guys,
I had a wonderful day and night here is how it went... I got up with Alexis and she was so happy to see me and I played with her and just had some mother daughter bonding time it was great. I got her fed and changed and she went back to sleep for a while woke up and had some lunch.
I actually went out tonight and had a wicked ass time it was good and felt so nice to get out and live a little. Thanks to Jess, Peirce and Dee.... It was so fun and hope to do it again!!
Anyway that is all I got for tonight so talk to everyone tomorrow night when I update again.
G2G Bye!
I had a wonderful day and night here is how it went... I got up with Alexis and she was so happy to see me and I played with her and just had some mother daughter bonding time it was great. I got her fed and changed and she went back to sleep for a while woke up and had some lunch.
I actually went out tonight and had a wicked ass time it was good and felt so nice to get out and live a little. Thanks to Jess, Peirce and Dee.... It was so fun and hope to do it again!!
Anyway that is all I got for tonight so talk to everyone tomorrow night when I update again.
G2G Bye!
Friday, September 14, 2007
What a wonderful day...
Hey guys,
It has been a wonderful day, got up and got Alexis ready to go to the lab and that went perfect she didn't even cry when they took her blood. That made me look bad because I am 22 and still cry/hyperventilate when it comes to needles lol.
I had a good time out with Jess tonight and everything went so good I couldn't have asked for a better day at all. I hope tomorrow it is as good as this one.
I have thought about John and I and what we did when we were younger and the "bad" things that we used to do and I miss that I will admit but I am hoping he will continue being friends with me and getting along for Alexis.
I had a good night sleep last night no bad dreams so the pills must be helping because I didn't wake up freaking out and crying like I normally would, so that was a big bonus.
Anyway I am off to bed for the night.
G2G Bye!
It has been a wonderful day, got up and got Alexis ready to go to the lab and that went perfect she didn't even cry when they took her blood. That made me look bad because I am 22 and still cry/hyperventilate when it comes to needles lol.
I had a good time out with Jess tonight and everything went so good I couldn't have asked for a better day at all. I hope tomorrow it is as good as this one.
I have thought about John and I and what we did when we were younger and the "bad" things that we used to do and I miss that I will admit but I am hoping he will continue being friends with me and getting along for Alexis.
I had a good night sleep last night no bad dreams so the pills must be helping because I didn't wake up freaking out and crying like I normally would, so that was a big bonus.
Anyway I am off to bed for the night.
G2G Bye!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Not so great day...
Hey Guys,
Well today has been horribale for me nothing went right at all, why I don't know it just didn't.
I feel so empty there is no other words to explain it but empty I was diagnosed with depression today and then to have ppl say that I can control it without meds is not true my doctor wouldn't have given to me if he thought other wise. Alexis needs to go in for blood work tomorrow there is something wrong with her, so they are going to run tests and see how that goes.
I feel so alone and I can't help the way I feel all I know it is an awful feeling and I want it all to go away for good. I just wish I had that good feeling I had before everything went wrong...I just want to go up to John and hug him I miss his hugs I miss everything about him but that doesn't matter any more because he doesn't miss me.
Anyway I am in tears tonight and don't feel like writing anymore so have a good night.
G2G Bye!
Well today has been horribale for me nothing went right at all, why I don't know it just didn't.
I feel so empty there is no other words to explain it but empty I was diagnosed with depression today and then to have ppl say that I can control it without meds is not true my doctor wouldn't have given to me if he thought other wise. Alexis needs to go in for blood work tomorrow there is something wrong with her, so they are going to run tests and see how that goes.
I feel so alone and I can't help the way I feel all I know it is an awful feeling and I want it all to go away for good. I just wish I had that good feeling I had before everything went wrong...I just want to go up to John and hug him I miss his hugs I miss everything about him but that doesn't matter any more because he doesn't miss me.
Anyway I am in tears tonight and don't feel like writing anymore so have a good night.
G2G Bye!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
What a great day...
Hey guys,
Today has been a great day, it started off a little shaky but got better as the day went on. I woke up at 7:30am thanks to Miss Boo and then had a bank appointment at 9am anyway so I went to ask John if he would watch Alexis and he said no but that was because he was sick and I didn't know about it at that time so I will admit that yah I was a bit pissed at him, but then I calmed down once I knew what was wrong with him.
I went to the bank to try to figure and straighten things out and well that didn't happen so I was a bit upset to find out that they couldn't do anything for me. The only way they would if John signed off and well I don't think he wants to do that but I don't know.
When I was walking back I got caught out in the rain and ended up getting soaked so that would have been ok but the rain was cold and me being wet was so not good. I made it back and Alexis was just eating because I texted Tami to find out if John was feeding her and he wasn't so I asked her too because I did not know that John was still sick and in bed.
Tonight has been wonderful I asked John to watch Alexis and I just went and hung out with Jess we did a few "loser laps" around town and just talked it was great and Alexis slept the whole time so John had no problems with her as well.
Well I have a Dr. Appt tomorrow for Alexis and while I am there I am going to asked him a few questions about myself because I need to know and he would have the answers for me. Alexis has been sleeping more than usual and she just doesn't seem to get enough sleep and is always tired and cranky. Hopefully the Dr. will fix that problem for us tomorrow if it can be done.
Anyway Alexis is sleeping so I am off of here and going to sleep before she wakes up lol.
G2G Bye!
Today has been a great day, it started off a little shaky but got better as the day went on. I woke up at 7:30am thanks to Miss Boo and then had a bank appointment at 9am anyway so I went to ask John if he would watch Alexis and he said no but that was because he was sick and I didn't know about it at that time so I will admit that yah I was a bit pissed at him, but then I calmed down once I knew what was wrong with him.
I went to the bank to try to figure and straighten things out and well that didn't happen so I was a bit upset to find out that they couldn't do anything for me. The only way they would if John signed off and well I don't think he wants to do that but I don't know.
When I was walking back I got caught out in the rain and ended up getting soaked so that would have been ok but the rain was cold and me being wet was so not good. I made it back and Alexis was just eating because I texted Tami to find out if John was feeding her and he wasn't so I asked her too because I did not know that John was still sick and in bed.
Tonight has been wonderful I asked John to watch Alexis and I just went and hung out with Jess we did a few "loser laps" around town and just talked it was great and Alexis slept the whole time so John had no problems with her as well.
Well I have a Dr. Appt tomorrow for Alexis and while I am there I am going to asked him a few questions about myself because I need to know and he would have the answers for me. Alexis has been sleeping more than usual and she just doesn't seem to get enough sleep and is always tired and cranky. Hopefully the Dr. will fix that problem for us tomorrow if it can be done.
Anyway Alexis is sleeping so I am off of here and going to sleep before she wakes up lol.
G2G Bye!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Excitied...
Hey guys,
I am really excited because I am going to get my tea leaves read on September 22nd and I really can't wait! I am hoping that she can tell me what is going to take place in my life because I would love to know I really would.
Today has actually been a good day for me for once everything went good and there was no fighting what so ever it has just been a wicked day. It started off me walking up to the Irving with Alexis from there I went to the mall and then off to visit with my grandmother because she never sees Lexie so I thought it would be nice to stop by. Well while we were there my cousin came by with her newborn so I got to see him he is so sweet and I love his hair.
Anyway I thought I would try to find a job so John was susposed to watch Alexis but he starts work tomorrow night so I don't know what is going to take place. If someone calls me to start work then I will take it from there and go from there I guess.
Anyway I am going to bed soon so talk to you guys all later.
G2G Bye!
I am really excited because I am going to get my tea leaves read on September 22nd and I really can't wait! I am hoping that she can tell me what is going to take place in my life because I would love to know I really would.
Today has actually been a good day for me for once everything went good and there was no fighting what so ever it has just been a wicked day. It started off me walking up to the Irving with Alexis from there I went to the mall and then off to visit with my grandmother because she never sees Lexie so I thought it would be nice to stop by. Well while we were there my cousin came by with her newborn so I got to see him he is so sweet and I love his hair.
Anyway I thought I would try to find a job so John was susposed to watch Alexis but he starts work tomorrow night so I don't know what is going to take place. If someone calls me to start work then I will take it from there and go from there I guess.
Anyway I am going to bed soon so talk to you guys all later.
G2G Bye!
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