Hey guys,
I havn't posted for a while so I thought I would and let you guys all know how I am doing. I have my days but lately all I feel is lonely bc I miss Jon more than he will ever know.
I need him right now and I wish he would see that everyday I seem to get more and more depressing news about my family. I wish he was there to help me through this because this isn't easy and I am not ok I know this now. My grandfather is dying of heart and lung problems and it is only a matter of time he will be 76 next month so he has live a good life I just can't imagine life without him that is all and it is hitting me hard and I love my grandparents and all I think about is my poor grandmother what she must be going through right now. My dad is 50 and he had cancer but they got rid of it as far as we know but my sister Amanda and I were talking and there is something he isn't telling us and it is bothering both of us, but we have been putting the pieces together and that is why we think something is wrong again. My father doesn't like Jon and well for some reason when I called him the other day he appolgized for everything bad he has said about him and said he wants to see me happy and he knows Jon was the one that made me happy and even my dad knows this and he is right and him and I were talking as well and I said I wanted to be with Jon and yes I said I know you will be dissappointed in me and he says no I want to see you happy that is important to me is you being happy and if Jon does that than that is good all I really care about is my girls being happy. I was like wow that is a huge step for my dad to come out and say that to me and then all he has been telling Amanda is for her to come do the book work and to make sure someone knows how to do it in case something happens and for her to be happy as well.
I am so lonely I don't want to face these things alone but yet I somehow have to, how I am not sure yet because Jon has always been there for me he was a great shoulder to cry on and omg his hugs were amazing and just the way he held me so close to him I miss all that and I am going to continue to miss all that from Jon why I don't know I just will.
Anyway that is all because I am too upset to write anymore tonight I just wish Jon would open his eyes and realize I loved him for who he was that is what made him so special and why I love him so much. I just wish I had him and he was here telling me everything is going to be ok.
G2G Bye!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Holding on....
Hey guys,
Well things have changed yet again and this time they are not good I miss Jon like crazy but, like Tami pointed out if he wanted me than he would be with me and not her so ya that is true it hurt hearing that and that was a big eye opener to me. I found alot alot of shit that I didn't even know it was true and it hurts alot to even know it. Such as he is the one that told her he loved her when he was still with me and here I thought it was the other way around this whole time thanks to Jon. He is the one that told everybody besides me that things were not going good and he really should have came to me instead of everyone else.
Our house is getting there but who knows if we will be able to move in or not by Christmas that was out goal. It has already been broken into and things have been stolen so that isn't good. We now have a door on the house that locks and Jon and mom and Clarence will be the only ones with the key so we will hopefully not be broken into again.
Alexis is doing good I don't have her a whole lot bc I have been quite sick lately and I am not sure why but my back hurts, my stomache, my head, I feel dizzy all the time and I just don't feel good at all. She isn't walking yet but she is still cruising and crawling lots so that is good. I can't wait to see her this Christmas which is just around the corner. I am letting her open all her presents by herself. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time but I don't think it will be happy for me I have a feeling it will be a lonely one because for 7 Christmas's I had someone to share it with and well this year I have my daughter but not her father and I would just like to spend Christmas with the 3 of us somewhere that would mean a whole lot to me. It isn't going to happen so I need to give up hope and do the best I can.
Well that is all for now I have a Dr. Appt today if I can find a drive and if not I will cancel it untill I can make it out there to Sussex. I have a hard time finding a drive when I need to be in Sussex because I live way out in the sticks lol. That is all for now I will update when I can.
G2G Bye!
Well things have changed yet again and this time they are not good I miss Jon like crazy but, like Tami pointed out if he wanted me than he would be with me and not her so ya that is true it hurt hearing that and that was a big eye opener to me. I found alot alot of shit that I didn't even know it was true and it hurts alot to even know it. Such as he is the one that told her he loved her when he was still with me and here I thought it was the other way around this whole time thanks to Jon. He is the one that told everybody besides me that things were not going good and he really should have came to me instead of everyone else.
Our house is getting there but who knows if we will be able to move in or not by Christmas that was out goal. It has already been broken into and things have been stolen so that isn't good. We now have a door on the house that locks and Jon and mom and Clarence will be the only ones with the key so we will hopefully not be broken into again.
Alexis is doing good I don't have her a whole lot bc I have been quite sick lately and I am not sure why but my back hurts, my stomache, my head, I feel dizzy all the time and I just don't feel good at all. She isn't walking yet but she is still cruising and crawling lots so that is good. I can't wait to see her this Christmas which is just around the corner. I am letting her open all her presents by herself. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time but I don't think it will be happy for me I have a feeling it will be a lonely one because for 7 Christmas's I had someone to share it with and well this year I have my daughter but not her father and I would just like to spend Christmas with the 3 of us somewhere that would mean a whole lot to me. It isn't going to happen so I need to give up hope and do the best I can.
Well that is all for now I have a Dr. Appt today if I can find a drive and if not I will cancel it untill I can make it out there to Sussex. I have a hard time finding a drive when I need to be in Sussex because I live way out in the sticks lol. That is all for now I will update when I can.
G2G Bye!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Crazy...
Hey guys,
Well things have been so crazy and so hard to believe lately that all I can say it is still crazy lol. Alot has happened since my last post and I just wanted you all to know what exactly has been going on.
I went to PEI(Prince Edward Island) for the weekend and had such a fun time and got to see lots of ppl, the drive was boring but Jon texted me alot so that helped the time pass for sure and also I enjoyed talking to him and was happy that he actually wanted to talk to me it totally surprised me. I came back on Sunday well it was night time when I actually got back to Sussex so I was texting Jon and he told me to let him know when I was closer because he wanted me to spend the night at his parents' house so I did because he said he wanted to talk to me and well we had a good talk and it was nice to figure things out.
Anyway everything was good and we were enjoying ourselves and actually trying to figure out what went wrong and now that I know that and now that I have my closure I can move on.....he told me that 7 years is a long time to be with someone and he wasn't sure if that is what he wanted, so therefore he just needed a break and well I am understanding that part and ok about that. What I am not ok about it the way he
did things and went about them and he knows they were wrong they way he did it so that helps.
Anyway for now him and Tami are working out their problems I really feel jealous of her and I really envy her she has what I used to have,and what I want and not just Jon but I just want my family back together and my baby and me to be happy again. I don't maybe I am asking for too much I am really confused right now, but I do know that it hurts when I have Alexis and all she does is cry for me and that hurts ALOT that I feel like my baby doesn't love me I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do why I don't know I can't explain it.
I can't explain alot of things I just don't feel like myself it is a really horriable feeling.....like I am empty I feel no pain because I have been to much but yet I don't feel good physically, emotionally and mentally it is hard to explain but I just want it to all go away and that is why things have been crazy. It has been a good crazy and bad crazy all at once and I really just want to be happy again someday...
Anyway that is my update for now I took many attempts to type this and I have now completed it so I am happy about that. I am sorry it is messed up guys but right now my head is messed up lol.
G2G Bye!
Well things have been so crazy and so hard to believe lately that all I can say it is still crazy lol. Alot has happened since my last post and I just wanted you all to know what exactly has been going on.
I went to PEI(Prince Edward Island) for the weekend and had such a fun time and got to see lots of ppl, the drive was boring but Jon texted me alot so that helped the time pass for sure and also I enjoyed talking to him and was happy that he actually wanted to talk to me it totally surprised me. I came back on Sunday well it was night time when I actually got back to Sussex so I was texting Jon and he told me to let him know when I was closer because he wanted me to spend the night at his parents' house so I did because he said he wanted to talk to me and well we had a good talk and it was nice to figure things out.
Anyway everything was good and we were enjoying ourselves and actually trying to figure out what went wrong and now that I know that and now that I have my closure I can move on.....he told me that 7 years is a long time to be with someone and he wasn't sure if that is what he wanted, so therefore he just needed a break and well I am understanding that part and ok about that. What I am not ok about it the way he
did things and went about them and he knows they were wrong they way he did it so that helps.
Anyway for now him and Tami are working out their problems I really feel jealous of her and I really envy her she has what I used to have,and what I want and not just Jon but I just want my family back together and my baby and me to be happy again. I don't maybe I am asking for too much I am really confused right now, but I do know that it hurts when I have Alexis and all she does is cry for me and that hurts ALOT that I feel like my baby doesn't love me I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do why I don't know I can't explain it.
I can't explain alot of things I just don't feel like myself it is a really horriable feeling.....like I am empty I feel no pain because I have been to much but yet I don't feel good physically, emotionally and mentally it is hard to explain but I just want it to all go away and that is why things have been crazy. It has been a good crazy and bad crazy all at once and I really just want to be happy again someday...
Anyway that is my update for now I took many attempts to type this and I have now completed it so I am happy about that. I am sorry it is messed up guys but right now my head is messed up lol.
G2G Bye!
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