It's me I am back...

Hey guys,

It's been a while but sooooo many new changes have taken place and I will tell you all about them...

Lets see where am I going to start, I have a boyfriend as of September 14, 2008 he is great his name is Patrick Joseph Golding aka PJ. He treats Alexis like she is his and treats me like a queen and it is truely an awesome feeling, he tries so hard to please me and I don't know why. We met on July 6th, and I was taking pics being me and all going camera happy mom was moving house and he showed up there, well I actually went with his dad to go pick him up from work. He talked to me to put me to the test to see if I was stuck up and as we all know I am not so that went over well. Anyway I thought he was hot and he liked me too, but he has liked me since I was pregnant with Alexis I just had no idea and I was with Jon and things were good so I thought... anyway that is how we met and then I added him to facebook and he messaged me and we went from there and started hanging out and just having fun and then he asked me out I said no a hundred times, but he is a guy and didn't give up and well finally I thought well maybe I should give him a chance and I am glad I did.

Alexis is 25 months old now and is doing wonderful, she is in daycare full time and loves it she can do so many new things now. She can talk in sentences, tells me when she wants to eat, drink, sleep almost anything and she tells me what she is eating and talks alot more it is great having a 2 year old is wonderful! Her Bday went perfect almost a few mishabs but all in all not bad she had a fun time and I am glad she did. PJ did more than enough for her party and she got alot of presents and she loves them all.

School is going great for me I love it so much and doing really good in it and my instructor is awesome he takes the time to listen to us as the students and tries to make us understand what he is teaching anyway he can. I am making really good marks and moving right along and getting everything passed in early it is great!

As for everyone else they are great I talk to my friends when I can and see them when I can but for any one of them that is reading this I miss you all!!! The family is all good and we are loving the new house it is awesome and lots of room for everyone:) I am so glad that I got to help build something so wonderful and pleasant to be in.

I plan on moving after Christmas to either west side or Grand Bay area. I miss Sussex and that is such a nice area and reminds me of home, and on the plus side PJ lives there with his dad. It would make things so much easier to see him because he is quite busy lately so it seems and he tries to see me but never can because, there is always something to be done with his company. So I am trying to make life easier on the both of us even though I miss him like crazy. I would never make things hard on him by making him feel bad I just try not to think about it when he is not here with Alexis and I.

Jon and I are trying to figure out what is best for Alexis and get along and make plans to help her. We came up with that I have her during the week, and one weekend per month, and he has her the other three weekends so we are trying that arrangement and see how it goes. As for Christmas I will have her up to Christmas night and then he will be getting her for a few days after that unless something comes up with my family, and I want to take her with me. So that is all the plans as of right now.

Anyway that is the news and how things are with me as of right now. I am going to try to update more if I can things are just really busy and hectic right now.

G2G Bye!

Update on my life...

Hey guys,

I decided to write to let you all know how I have been doing well me and my family that is. Life really couldn't be better it has taken me a long time to get to where I am at but I am doing it.

Lets see where to start school is awesome I have been doing really well with it this time around. I made 49/50 on my first test and 67/70 on my second test so those marks in my opinion are great! I really enjoy school this time around I have met good ppl and we all help each other. I am really happy and have a good head on my shoulders and Alexis has been awesome.

Talking about Alexis, she is great I love that little girl so much and anyone I meet falls in love with her too it helps it really does. Alexis has her moments not days because that isn't always true but she does have her moments and when that happens I deal with them as best as I can, sometimes I lose my patience but I do try not too with her. She is now 21 months old now and busy as ever she keeps me busy that is for sure I tell ppl that is my "lil' hurricane" I mean she can literally turn my place upside down, but that is ok I don't mind.

I have found there is not enough hours in a day anymore but that is ok because me going back to school is the best thing I could have done I do know that. I am looking into buying a car and having no luck with that yet but that is ok because I know I will find one. Oh yeah I GOT MY LICENSE!!!! Sorry I am just really excited it took me 7 years but I finally got them. I do have to say thanks to Matt and anyone else who encouraged me and always told me I could do it. Thanks so much you all!!!! I love driving and having fun with just me and my little girl it really is awesome and if anyone deserved their license it was me not to sound concieted but it is true.

Anyway I don't want to be on here all night I have a litte girl to play with:) I feel more lucky to have her than anyone will ever know. Oh just before I go the 3 of us seem back to being ok again and talking and dicussing things about Alexis the way it should be. I do have to go but I will try to update when I can.

G2G Bye!!

Friends are they or not???...

Hey guys,

I am writing today to take my fusterations out I don't know where to begin I am so angry, hurt, betrayed, stress... the list could go on forever right now I think. I just don't get one thing why would friends say shit and then pretend to be your friend I guess I won't ever get that... Anyway that is just driving me crazy so I had to get it off my chest.

On with the next thing Jon Alexis father I don't know what is up with him and why he stresses me out I am in school now doing amazingly well loving it and here he and Tami must be jealous and wanting me to fail by stressing me out well let me tell you that isn't going to happen because all these things will just make stronger and make me want to succeed and that is exactly what I am going to do. He tells ppl I need to grow up I think he has it the other way around I did my growing up he is the one that doesn't talk to me when it comes to our daughter so what else am I supposed to do it isn't like I tried bc I did.

School is going awesome I love it I like dropping Alexis off for the 4 hours and then picking her up again with her big Hiiiii Mom Mom Mom!!!!! I just love that and look forward to that bc I know she had a good day and yet she is still happy to see me just as much I am happy to see her and can't wait to go get her after school everyday. I am already done my 1st module and starting my 2nd one today and can't wait. I really love school this time around unlike last time when I think honestly I wasn't ready yet so things are going better this time already.

Alexis is awesome as always and is the love of my life that little girl means everything to me and without her I don't know what I would do she keeps me going, keeps me feeling young and free and gives me the engry to keep up with her she is a normal, active 21 month old ful of energy and always ready to go. I wouldn't have things any other way I love my life the way it is and everything has been going good. I am living my life the way I should have lived it before and loving every minute of it as well.

Anyway I got to be going I need to get ready for school I am running off of only 4 hours of sleep because of everything but I will write again when I can. I will be going to PEI leaving Wednesday either before school or after school and will be back on Sunday I can't wait for everyone to see Lexie again it will be a fun time.

G2G Bye!

Good times...

Hey guys,

I have so much new things to write about it because I havn't updated in a long while I have been just so busy lately...

Lets see where do I begin, well for starters I am now 23 as of June 20th. I had an amazing birthday with my friends we all had a blast I think. Matt has a wicked stereo system and we had fire works they were my favorite and we had food and a fire and just some good laughs it was a blast and I looked at the ppl and said "same time next year?" lol! My friend Matt has his 4 wheeler here and I got to drive it and I took Lisa on it with me and well... we almost tipped it but only the one time and we didn't actually tip it and we had alot of fun that night. The next morning when Lisa and I were cleaning up from my bday bash we were carrying a table back from the firepit and well Lisa tripped I asked her what she tipped on and she goes "umm a hill lmao" It was funny and I love being in the country. I couldn't have asked for a better bday even if I wanted to it was perfect in everyway.

Alexis is 20 months old now so hard to believe, and actually she is closer to 21 months old... which means 3 more months and my little girl will be 2 years old! She is getting so big and she is so smart and I love her to peices I really do she is my everything and I want to give her the world if I could. I start school on wednesday and I am looking forward to that, I am doing it for Alexis I want to give her a good life and I know I can't with the way I am living now, but that will soon change and Alexis will have an awesome life I will see to it!

My brother came home for a day and I had the best visit with him I actually got to spend time with him which never happens and seeing him was great. I never really got along with my brother and it took me years to find out why... but now I think things are ok between us and I gave him a beautiful neice just like he gave me 2 handsome little nephews who I love to death. Saying goodbye to the 2 of them was harder than usual this time I don't know why that is but it just was. I know the boys are out west with James(my brother) and they always have fun out there he does alot of things with them throughout the summer which I think is great for them and they always have a fun time with their dad and his new wife(their stepmom Yumi). I am hoping I will get to see the 4 of them in August when they come back I am not sure though because I will have school and not sure if I can fit that in with my schedule, but I am going to try.

I sprained my ankle a few days ago it is still sore, but at least I can walk on it now which before it hurt like hell and it was hard to get around I think I almost broke it which wouldn't have been good... considering I need to walk Alexis to Kelly's which will take me 2 hours there and back and then I need to do the same thing after school as well. I know it will all be worth in the end though. Yesterday I was pretty sick and I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled out next saturday almost a week away I have never had any of my teeth pulled and I am afraid of it hurting but hopefully it won't be too bad I hope anyway. I am better today and drugs are always good lol.

The new house has been coming along great, we are getting alot accomplished on it and I can't wait for the moving day. I will miss my neighbours here they are awesome but it will be nice to come home every weekend to a big house where Lexie has room to run and play and just be herself. Matt has been a big help with the house and mom and Clarence appreciate everything ppl has done to help us with it! The end of the month was supposed to be the time we were moving but now I am not so sure about that still. I am thinking by the middle of July we will all be moved in and that will be great and I think mom and Clarence will be so much happier once it is completly finished and they are living there and worry free about things.

Anyway I do believe that is all I have to update as of right now. I am going to try to blog more because I know I was slacking sorry guys for that I will do my best. Right now I am going to go eat and check out facebook what can I say I am addicted lol. Talk to all of you later and for anyone that reads this take care and hug the ones you love and never leave something unsaid but you may never get the chance to say it to that person!

G2G Bye!

Update and some more...

Hey guy,

It's been a while I have been so busy lately and having a blast living here in Saint John, getting to know the city and lots of ppl it's been good. I have more ppl I am going to meet and I can't wait it just seems lately there isn't enough hours in the day for everything.

I am so excited to start school it isn't funny, things are going so good it is awesome how everything is working out. My life is finally getting back on tract the way it should be. Moving here was the smartest idea that I have ever came up with so I am happy about that and I don't regret anything that has happened in my life.

I have been spending my weekends back home(Sussex) helping my parents renovate their house it has been fun and I really like doing that kind of thing, anything that has to do with hard physical labor I love. Things are going good for my parents and their house is coming along great and lots of ppl have been helping out so that makes a big difference. I did alot of painting and flooring the past weekend so it has been fun and my room is painted the color I kinda wanted it.

Alexis is wonderful she doesn't like to sleep that is the only hard part about it, but during the day she is great. I love being a mom nothing has changed about that and it never will. I am so happy with my life and it just keeps getting better as the days go on. I will continue this later Alexis needs me....

G2G Bye!

My family...

Hey guys,

As you read this blog you will see that it is about my family hence the title. I decided to write about them bc I miss them and living here in the city now I don't get to see them very often anymore especially my dad he is still always working.

Anyway I will start with my parents who have been wonderful my dad worked long hard hours to support his family and wanted Amanda, James and I to have a great life so he worked 3 jobs to make that happen. I love my dad he taught me so much like how to be a hard worker and how to work for things you want and need and I was the kinda of daughter that was out in the woods with him or out in the hard or in the garage with him working on cars and whatnot. I love spending time with him, my father is an amazing man and he raised us kids right. For that I want to dedicate this song to him... "Daddy's Hands"

Next I will talk about my mom she is awesome and one of a kind you know how you would hear kids say "my mom is cool shit" well it is true that is what my mom is and always have been. We were not grounded as kids and we spent alot of time outside and not in front of the T.V. and I thank her for that I really do. It taught Amanda and I to play and keep ourselves occupied on our own which did alot for me I can't speak for Man but I am sure she feels the same. So here is a song for my mom..."Somebody's Hero"

Next you have my brother James he is 7 years older than me and him and I didn't always get along the best and up untill last year I had no idea why or what I did so I lost it one day and emailed him asking him what makes me different from Amanda and it had nothing to do with that at all. James was jealous of me bc I was my dad's 1st and he adopted James when mom and dad got married therefore he felt left out and jealous of me and he took that out on me. I missed out on alot doing things with my brother and if I could change that I would but I can't so I just have to live with it and accept the fact. James has 2 wonderful boys who I love with all my heart and is now remarried and has been for almost a year now, him and Yumi met outwest although he came back home to be married and then went back outwest. I have not seen him in almost a year and have only talked to him on the phone once in February his bday actually. I see his boys whenever I can and they are doing great and I am happy for them they are getting so big and growing up so fast. Here is the song I send to James and his boys..."I don't call him daddy"

Next would be my sister Amanda she is amazing and I love her so much she has grown into a beautiful young lady and pretty as all go out, she has alot of self confidence that is something I don't have alot of but I am getting better at it slowly. Man has been there through the whole relationship, the breakup everything she has listened to me cry myself to sleep and sometimes she may act like she doesn't care I know she does and since the whole breakup with Jon and Jamie Amanda has been there and we have become closer than ever and I never thought that would happen but it has and I love my little sister and I wish her all the best bc she is great at whatever she does. Here is the song that I have picked out for her..."Sisters"

I am going to talk about my little girl now I love Alexis to pieces I really do without my little girl I can honestly say I don't know where I would be at if I didn't have her in my life. You know it crushes you when you are with someone for 7 years and one day they just look at you and say I wish you were dead that killed me that night I think I would have rather her father stick a knife in me than to say those hurtful words. Alexis is the light of my life I love my baby girl more than anyone or anything in this world and I am doing everything for her I want to give her an awesome life and I want her to look up to me and come to me when something is wrong. I want Alexis to know no matter what takes place over the years she will always be my #1 and I truely mean that. Things may not always be easy when it comes to being a single mom but I try my best and I will continue to do so for Alexis I will always be there for my little girl. Here is the song I thought was best for her..."In my daughter's eyes"

Anyway with all that being said I have a wonderful step family, Clarence is awesome he is a great step father so here is the song for him..."He didn't have to be" My dad's gf is awesome too in her own way, for the longest time she was jealous of Amanda and I but everything seems ok now. I know my dad and her are happy and I am happy for them so that is all what matters.

This is how I am going to end this one, it is late and I am tired and I think I need sleep. My family is very important to me and I don't think I tell them enough like I should. Anyway this chicky boo is off to bed as long as Alexis stays asleep.

G2G Bye!

Childhood dreams...

Hey Guys,

Well lately I have been sitting here thinking about lots of things my life mainly and Alexis' future. My life isn't how I seen it in all the dreams and the fantasies I had a little girl.

You know everyone pictures their life I know growing up I imagined my future and wondered what it would be like and this was when I was still in Elementary school so alot of years ago. I seen myself with a husband and with a house full of children always running in and out just like my my little sister and I did. You hear all the songs with the house and white picked fence the good husband caring and always there for you. The kids in tons of sports and that is the kind of mom I really wanted to be. I think everyone as a child thinks about their future.

Ok so here is back to reality no matter how much you dream you can never really know what it is like until you experienced it in real life just like I did. I mean I didn't get married there is no such thing as a perfect husband bc in my opinion I think all guys do the same as long as their is a better looking girl interested in them they will leave. I have a beautiful baby girl I just wish I had a family not just me and her and I get so upset when I see a guy and girl holding hands laughing and the daddy is carrying the baby I just really wanted that and I had it for a few months and felt like on top of world I thought I was living the perfect life boy was I wrong.

I am going to be 23 next month and going to be starting school as long as my loans go through alright(fingers crossed) and I just feel like I am going backwards and I know everything happens for a reason but I still don't know what that is yet... I feel like I am being punished for something I didn't do I was a good gf in all the realatioships I have been in I was faithful and truthful and you know you see the movies, where the wife or gf for my case I guess has supper on the table when the guy comes home from work I love to cook and bake and I guess that is the country girl inside me.

Anyway tonight just got me thinking about that and it has been upsetting everything has lately I guess I am afraid of dying alone I don't want that it is my biggest fear that and being replaced by a guy or my daughter I can't help but think that way. This is all I am going to write tonight for I should try to get some sleep and not think anymore.

G2G Bye!

Closure...

Hey guys,

So you are probably thinking whats up with the title and no worries I am going to tell you. This is something I should have done a while ago and why I didn't I don't know actually.

Anyway as you all know I went out with Jamie and well things were great untill one day he eneded it no explanation no nothing I was like ok that is strange and yes I will admit it hurt me bc I was just through a really bad breakup and didn't want to go through it again which is exactly what happened but let me explain why it hurt so much...

For starters he filled my head with lies Jamie is what you would classify as a player no other words for it really and I am not trying to be mean. For someone to play head games with you, fill your head with dreams and then crush them to me that is just wrong. I tried my best at being a good gf if he wanted or needed money he got it even though we lived 1 hr away from each other I saw him whenever I could and he came over to my place most weekends it was nice having a guy around again. Anyway he ends up telling me that it wasn't me I was good to him he just wasn't ready for a relationship and yada yada yada. He tells my friend that I wasn't smart enough for him, and that he wasn't happy. What I don't get it why he couldn't have just been honest with me I am a big girl I can handle the truth and if I can't than I have problems. Anyway I just got thinking about that tonight and this is what I have come to realize if a guy doesn't like me for me well than that is their lost I am a good person would do anything for anyone, I am kind, caring and sweet. I have a heart of gold and nerves of steel I would have to after everything I have been through I put up with way to much shit and ppl take advantage of me and that isn't what I am looking for. I am not looking for to be a quick fix for someone like I was for Jamie and he knew that from the start I was honest with him bc honesty is the best and I just don't get it maybe I try to hard sometimes but I seriously don't mean anything by it and I don't even realize I am doing it untill it is too late. I am not a doormat and don't want to be treated like one.

Well that is all I am going to say on that topic it is done and over with and between him and Jonathon they have both taught me so much in the past few months and as I say you live and you learn and that is exactly what I have been doing. I have learned so much and continue to learn new things everyday which is great bc when it comes to Alexis dating I will be an expert on guys so she doesn't make the same stupid mistakes as me bc I wouldn't want her to go through the heatache that I went through I don't wish that upon anyone. Anyway that is all I am going to type it is late now and I have to get some sleep. I will write again when I can.

G2G Bye!

Loving it...

Hey guys,

Well I am finally all moved and still working on the unpacking and cleaning as I go type thing... but I am slowly getting there with it. I just got everything all hooked up today or I would have wrote last night but couldn't unfortunely.

I absolutely love living here in Saint John there is so much to do and so many places to see I love it I can't say that enough! I had such a wonderful day I was awake by 8am Rogers was here to hook my stuff up that took a couple hours and then I went out for a bit came home cleaned uppacked some more and then I just relaxed for a few minutes I was happy to have internet. Then I had some company and my love seat arrived as a few other things did as well. I organized and put that stuff away and then made supper. After supper I was bored so took myself and Alexis exploring it was a fun time and I now know where lots of places are.

Alexis went to bed last night on her own the 1st time in 18 months she loves it here and as I already said I do too. Tonight she also went to sleep again her own it is amazing and I am not complaining I am happy that she is learning to self-soothe herself. Alexis favorite part about my apartment would have to be the huge ass windows I have here she loves to look out them and say hi to all the ppl walking by. I love my little girl she is so commical and just amazing.

Anyway I have to be going I still have lots to do yet. It is late as well but I just wanted to update you all. Ashlee is also on her way here she couldn't make it last night so we are doing girls night tonight:) I will write again when I can.

G2G Bye!

Me like it or not...

Hey guys,

It's been awhile so I thought I would attempt to write again. So much has changed in the past little while I will tell you everything though...

I am moving in less than 2 days to Saint John I am really excited and happy it is time for a change and I really can't wait. I am just sick of Sussex and don't want to be here anymore. I will miss my family and friends they are awesome and always will be!

I will be starting college in June taking Criminology my dreams and goals are finally coming together and I couldn't be happier...about that anyways lol. I will be almost 25 when I am finished school and 23 when I start I guess I am just kinda doing things backwards family first and then school haha oh well it is all good. I am really excited to go back and finish something I started 5 years ago.

Talking about 5 years ago... it is funny Kelly and I were talking this past weekend when I was up there and it has almost been 5 years since I met her and thinking about then and thinking about now wow so much has changed like I am not with Jon THANKGOD!!! and she isn't with Mark anymore and me with my little girl and her with her daughter who was only a baby 5 years ago and now she has her little boy it is just so hard to believe I am so happy I met Kelly back then.

Friends have been wonderful Kassie and Connor are both doing good and he is getting so big. Jess is going to be an aunt and a Godmother to Jon and Tami's baby so that is exciting! Lisa and Noah are doing great and Noah is walking now. Kelly and her 2 kids are wonderful and Landon is walking now, and Kelly is getting married yay Kel I am so happy for you! That is the update on them... I will finally get to meet Ashlee on Thursday we are having a girls night... movies, pizza and wings it's going to be great and I can't wait and then Saturday painting party at my parents house yay:) I love to paint.

Well as everyone would say I am still boy crazy as ever hehe but these past few days I have been doing tons of thinking that is all I do lately... anyway this is what I have come up with if guys don't like me for me well than FUCK THEM!!! Like seriously I am me that is all I am and all I am going to be if they don't like that than they are not worth my time lol. I am sure Mr. Right is out there somewhere but only when the time is right I guess is when I or he will find me. I know in my heart that I am a good person with a good head on my shoulders and I would make someone a good girlfriend I do know this I may not apply it alot but yes I know it.

Some of my plans are when I move is this...
>Explore
>Live my life to the fullest
>Join a gym I love to work out
>Do well in school
>Be a great mom that I am
>Lose the extra weight that I don't need

There are probably more but those are the ones that I can think of right now. I am going to do my best to keep those goals bc I need something to look forward to. This hasn't been an easy time for me but I make do and suck it up and deal with it the best I can. I know deep down things are going to sooooo much better when I move and get settled in and have everything set in place.

Alexis is doing wonderful... she had her 18 month needles the other day and did great with them thats my baby girl for you. Everyday she makes me so proud of her and I have so much love for her and I wouldn't want things any other way she is my life and my everything.

I am tired of ppl calling me a bitch or cunt or whatever else they like to call me. I don't call ppl that so why do they have to say those things about me? I am not into Drama I try to stay away from it as much as possible and I don't think ppl should start it with me and then I am the one that is always made to look like the bad one, but really I am not though.

Anyway I think that does it for tonight it is 4am just about lol. I thinkt that is all the news and anything and everything that is on my mind. When I know more or have anything else bothering me I will be sure to write.

G2G Bye!

I love myself...

Hey guys,

Well I know your probably thinking woah whats up with the title and well I am going to explain to you as I type some more... Alot of things have been happening and I have my bad days but man oh man I have my good days and I love them!

Well for starters I am moving and will be going back to school so that is a huge thing for me. I am scared to death to move to Saint John but it is something I need to do, not just me but for Alexis as well. It helps to know that I will have ppl there so it won't be so bad maybe lonely at nights but that is to be expected your reading about the girl who doesn't even like the dark or to be by herself lol. I am so happy to have been introduced to Ashlee she has been a godsent like wow amazing for sure. She said that she would take me anywhere I needed to go and doesn't want any money for doing that. I offered to pay her but she said she would not accept my money even if she was to drive me to Sussex I am like that is crazy bc Sussex is 1 hr away from where I am moving to. All she told me was to pay it forward and I will. I like that idea and love that movie and if everyone did that what a good world we would live in. I turn 23 on June 20th and will be starting school on June 30th omg not that far away actually wow! I am moving to SJ in May so that gives me a little over a month to find my way around and unpack and all that fun stuff. I am looking forward to a few things actually when I do move...
1) hanging out with friends
2) going for walks with Ashlee(we plan on getting into shape)
3) learning how to live and survive on my own
4) going to school and putting 110% of my effort into my school work
5) meeting new ppl guys or girls
6) finding myself along the way
So those are some things I am really looking forward to when I do actually move there I need to learn how to have some fun as well though and just live my life to the fullest everyday! The thought of living in the city scares me but I know I will be ok and I will always have ppl to back me up and that helps alot with this.

Life has been very busy for me lately with me running to SJ for school appointments there have been alot lately and I know there will be more too. Alexis keeps me extremly busy into everything soooo curious and I am ok with that I like that fact that she can explore and learn new things everyday I think it is wonderful! Lately I have been trying to capture good moments of her so I will always have them like when I am in school and missing her I can go on FB and watch my little girl on video so that hopefully will help but I need to remember I am doing everything for not not just me but her too.

Well I am trying to forget about Jamie, he has totally blocked me out of his life so if he wants to do that than he isn't worth my time anymore sad to say but true. I will always worry about him and wonder how he and his boys are but that is just who I am I do care about ppl even if they hate my guts. As the days go on the pain that I am feeling will fade and I will meet someone knew and probably when I am not looking or expecting it, it is the way those kind of things always go.

The whole reason for my title is bc I need to love myself right now I don't like things about me and I am trying to change them so I can feel good about myself. I have been through alot and all those things that go bad do a # on me and I don't want that. The way I have to look at things are one thing goes bad so two things go good maybe it will help we will see anyway I guess. I am never going to have that special someone to love me for me if I don't even love myself all I will have is some sucker that takes advantage of me which isn't good bc it hurts knowing I was a "quick fix" for someone. That isn't what I just want to be I want to be loved and accepted for me. I don't think that is too much to ask at all but it seems impossible to find a guy like that. Back to what I was saying I am going to work sooooo hard on loving myself and boosting my self-eestem bc really it is low and that isn't good either and I do know this so now it is time for me to come to reality and fix the problems I have with myself, time for me to stop avoiding them and just face them.

That is all the news I have tonight it is extremly late and time for bed. Like as I am typing this it is 1:50am and Alexis will be up before I know it so have a good night. I will update when I can.

G2G Bye!

Good to bad:(...

Hey guys,

Well alot has happened once again... I thought I was living the perfect life well I was wrong yet again wow I am so bad at being someone girlfriends I guess. Anyway I will explain what has been going on.

Well this past weekend Jamie was here I love it when he comes over and me just being able to see him. Things were good so I thought but now I really don't know. He was sick and not feeling the greatest and my house was way too hot for him I am sorry for that. Other than that we had alot of deep convos and it was good. He went home on Sunday and I went to SJ to see him for a bit and then stayed with Lisa and Noah, Lexie and I did it was a good night. Alexis went to bed no problem so I was happy about that lol. I didn't sleep very much bc I was worried about Jamie and was hoping he was ok. He has Pneumonia and is really sick I feel so bad for him. Well today now I am at Lisa's and he textes me that he is scared and nervous and needs to make arrangements and I am like ok what is wrong and this is where he tells me that he needs time to think and wants to be alone and he is sorry for the way he feels. Right there I started crying it hurt to hear that bc I have heard it before I guess and I really liked and loved Jamie and honestly it hurt worst than what Jon did to me. Anyway I leave Lisa's and go back home to find he changed his and mine relationship status and that is when reality really kicked in and all I have been doing is sitting here crying it just hurts my heart feels broken all over again it is really hard to explain just like it is hard to explain the way he made me feel. Anyway so yeah I guess that is what happened between Jamie and I and I can honestly say I miss him I really do. Anyway maybe when he finds himself than maybe there will be a Jamie and Rebekah who knows right?

Alexis is doing great and had fun this weekend with Jamie and I and she had fun at Lisa's as well. I have finally got things in order when it comes to her so I am pleased with that I have to take a walk down memory lane and I am not ready to do that but I have to for my baby girl so I will and Jamie said he will be there to support me so that helps alot. She is growing and teething and running now but she trips alot it is funny lol.

Anyway I know this one is pretty short but I just don't feel up to writting alot tonight. Might go to bed and try to get some sleep not sure if that will happen or not. Anyway I will keep you guys updated as much as possible when ever that may be lol.

G2G Bye!

WOW he amazes me everyday...

Hey guys,

Well let me tell you all about how I am have been doing it will literally blow you away with the news I have... Lets see what all is new well I am still with Jamie and we have had some pretty good weekends let me tell you. Alexis' father has agreed to sign off his rights to her. Jamie and I have talked about alot of serious things. Alexis is doing wonderful she learns something new everyday I love that little baby girl with all my heart. L:ast I am going to say is my tealeaf reading is coming true!!!

Ok here is how I am going to start some of the things that Jamie and I have done on the weekends have been...
1) go to Landon's Bday party it was great and Jamie was amazing with Alexis and helped me with her when I didn't even asked him too he just did it bc he wanted to.
2) we have talked alot that is all we do, but it is helping us with our relationship bc it is how we get to know each other.
3) we layed on the trampoline for hours one night and looked at the stars, holding each other close and talking and that was intimate right there bc being so close to him never felt so right in my life.
4) we have worked on the house and just hung around here for some of the days, whatever we do though it doesn't matter to me as long I am with him.

So we have had some pretty good weekends together and even though he lives in Saint John(SJ) I miss him so much it is so hard to explain. Last Saturday night we went to the Mule and he had 5 beer and of course I didn't drink lol. We played pool with Kim and Rob(they kicked our asses) and then I went to dance with Kassie and Jamie joined in on the fun and well I ended up dirty dancing with him and having a great time it was a fun night and that fun continued when we came home from the bar as well. Jamie and I have had some pretty deep convos and they have been amazing and so heart filling. I can honestly say that I have come to relaize that I didn't love Jon well I did but not in the same way I love Jamie. It is hard to explain in words but he is so much better than Jon and treats me and Lexie like gold. He told me last night that Lexie and I are angels sent from god to him that was the most sweetest thing someone could ever have said to me. Anyway I could go on and on about how wonderful he is but I won't he is just seriously the best that has EVER happened to me right along with my daughter.

Talking about my daughter she is doing awesome and getting so big and she makes me proud everyday. She is 16 months old now and walking all the time almost running, she is growing out of all her clothes time to go shopping again soon for her lol. Alexis is talking and saying lots of words, she talks to Jamie everyday on the phone and just loves to tell him stories it is cute.

Well I can honestly say that I found my tealeaf guy(Jamie) and that the things that the lady had told me and Jess about what would start happening within the next 7 months well right now it has been 6 months and so many things on that peice of paper are coming true it is scary really when you stop to think about it all that is taking place. All I have to say is thanks Jess for taking me that was an awesome experience!!

Well I am off to do some laundry and then me and Lexie are going to spend the day with Jamie and I can't wait I miss him so much when he is not here with me but I know things will be ok and normal in a few months, untill then I just have to be patient(easier said than done) but I will continue to work on that. I will write when I can.

G2G Bye!

Alot of good changes:)...

Hey guys,

Well lets see since my last post alot of things have been happening and changes all over it is great! I will write and tell you all about it...

Ok where do I start well lets see I have been doing more than wonderful my friends have been a big help in that and have been there for me all through this entire thing. So I thank them all for helping me. I have met someone new and he is the most wonderful guy a girl could have no joke he is sweet, kind, caring, romantic and best of all not afraid to show his feelings and go places with me!

Alexis is doing great almost 16 months old now wow has the time flown by I tell ya it has been good and bad but most importantly I LOVE being a mom to my beautiful baby girl, she is everything and more. She is walking all the time now and looks so small when she walks but soo damn cute as well. She is talking up a storm always and learning new words everyday. Alexis amazes me everyday I am so proud of her more than she will ever know.

My friends are all doing wonderfully I keep in touch with them through msn and facebook so that is good that there are such things as comps lol. Noah is now 1 and Landon(my friend Kelly's son) will be 1 on the 5th and I was there for Landon's birth and I still remember it like it was yesterday it is crazy to think it has almost been a year. I am happy for them all they are all doing awesome with how their life is.

Ok back to the person I met well lets see Bill and Amanda(friends from PEI) were up on wednesday to sunday and we always go to Ponderosa when they are down before they go home well I kinda delayed that for them so I could go meet Jamie in SJ. I ended up meeting him at the Superstore in SJ and in the produced department at that and I had Alexis with me so we met and I asked him to come back to the Kia with me to give Alexis to my mom and stepfather so he did, little did I know that they were already in the store lol. We met up with the 4 of them and I introduced Jamie to everyone and he shook theie hands right there I was like wow that is respectful of him. After my parents took Alexis I went and did his grocery shopping with him and I can honestly say that was the most funniest grocery shopping trip I have ever had it was fun shopping with 2 single guys at the time. After I left him and before I was even out of SJ, he textes me and says "hey I think ur awesome when can I c u again?" I am thinking wow he is the greatest guy I have ever met and he wants to see me again what is wrong with that pic lol. We texted all the way to Moncton and back again it was crazy but I really looked forward to talking to him, he would call/texted and messaged me online and we continued talking he was honest right from the start that he is married and has 2 boys who are soooo cute. He has to wait a year before he can sign divorce papers right now it has been 5 months, but like he said he wishes it was more and it will be. We have alot in common he is in college taking Personal Support Worker and doing really good and will be finished in April so he can't wait for that. He has the best sense of humor ever it is awesome he makes me laugh and smile everyday it feels so nice that someone out there thinks alot of me. I was talking about and told him that if him and I were going out by February that I would take him to PEI with me and he said ok. The night of the 28th we were talking online and asked me out by saying well you want a bf and I think your the best thing that has happened to me in a long time so does that mean I am going with you to PEI lol that was his way of asking me out. Since then I still have only seen him once but we talk all the time even when he is online doing homework, he appears offline but told me to still talk to him just no one can lol I thought that was sweet. Anyway Jamie is sooo awesome and he is coming to my house for the weekend and even going with me to my friend kelly's son bday party on Saturday in Moncton so I thought that was cool. He was talking to me online today and said that when he is done his work placement that he is hoping to be able to work at the Sussex hospital I was like really have you seen Sussex lol he is like I love it here. I think he just wants to be close to me that is all which is amazing and I am happy for him. Anyway yes I thankgod for POF bc that is how I met him lol.

My family is doing good my mom had gall bladder surgery but is doing great and got lucky and was able to come home all in the same day(which I wasn't when I had mine back in August). Our house is doing good a slow process but it is coming. The boys havn't been there in awhile no idea where Scott has been but that is ok bc they are the ones losing out. We are still planning on moving in, in the Spring if everything goes good which it has been and our carpenter has been wonderful, and a huge help! My sister and her bf are both great and doing good together she goes to SJ alot bc she is in University so I am so happy for her. My brother and his wife as far as I know are doing great too. I havn't talked to them since their wedding last June so that is all I know lol.

That is all for now I have a 15 month old to go look after bc she is into to everything now a days lol. I will try to update as much as possible.

G2G bye!

It has been good...

Hey guys,

Well things are so good right now and getting better as time goes on. Let me tell you a few things that are new with me...

I have been going out and having fun at the Mule(local bar) I have been playing pool and dancing making a complete ass out of myself but having a blast doing so lol. I am still going to continue to go out and have fun and live my life the way it needs to be lived no man will ever run it again and that is a fact!

Alexis is walking now all over the place it is crazy to think that my baby girl is getting soooo big so quickly sad really but happy in the same way. She just got a new puppy so she will point to him and say doooooggg it is cute lol. She is doing so many new things and she get funnier everyday.

I have lost 40 pounds since August I now weigh 155lbs so that isn't too bad I am not trying although when things are bothering me I just don't eat, yes I know that isn't healthy but I do eat when I am hungry. I just want to look and feel good about myself I am very self-conscience about myself because of everything that has happened to me. I am loving my contacts more and more and now have my year supply ordered so I am happy about that.

My friends are all doing good, Jess starts a new job tomorrow(well today actually lol) Lisa and Noah are doing amazingly well, Steve is doing good a bit upset but over all good, Kassie and Connor are doing great although she had a bad day today, Rachel and Keith are doing fine and I think she is due next month so that will be good for her to be done with being pregnant. I remember those days oh do I ever lol.

Our house is coming along great the boys have been working away on it and it looks like we can move in it in the spring time can't wait for that one. This house is just too small for our family. We have plumbers, electricans, carpenters and who knows who else in on a daily basis so the house is doing great and at least there is a wood stove that is easy to light yay I am excited about that, considering this one hates me lol.

Anyway that is all for the update. I really should get to bed I just don't sleep much anymore. I know that isn't good either but someday when I have that special someone to sleep beside again then I will be able to have the best sleep ever so I am looking forward to that. I will update later when I have time and know more about things.

G2G Bye!

Wow a NYE I will never forget...

Hey guys,

I have been wonderful lately and things are so much better and I am moving on and forgetting about everything in my past well at least I am trying to anyway lol that is all I can do. Anyway let me tell you about the fun time I have been having and let me tell ya it feels so good to get out!

I went out fri and sat to the Mule(local bar here in Sussex) and it was awesome the 1st night I just played pool and hung out with Will and Rob and just had a fun time. The second night I went out with Rob, Minda and Kassie and met up with Steve Corey and Trevor we didn't talk much though and Corey and Trevor left early so Steve hung out with us girls and Minda left early too so we went on the dance floor and even Rob and Steve danced with Kassie and I it was just a blast!!

On Monday night the Mule was throwing a NYE party so I went to that with Kassie and Steve, Steve picked us up at Kassie's place and then from her place we went to Trevor's for about a half an hour and then to the Mule we headed off to. We got there and they had pizza and snacks for free and I thought that was awesome. I didn't eat though and either did Kassie just the guys did and AJ was there too but I thought he was working that night. Trevor met up with us after wards and we all played pool well besides Kassie no way was she playing lol. It was fun and later on we went on the dance floor and danced and had a blast Trevor even joined us and he doesn't dance well then again either do I funny how that is but I danced that night lol we all did. It was funny because Trevor kept hip bumping me into the speaker and he was a bit drunk so he was falling on me alot too but it was all good and alot of fun. At the end of it everyone was wasted besides me I didn't drink lol and just having the time of their lives!! Trevor and I slow danced the last song and it made me sad thinking I havn't done that since high school lol crazy that was many years ago:( but over all it was a good night and we all had fun spending NYE together.

Alexis is doing wonderful she is walking and talking now more than ever and growing up wayyyy to fast she will be 15 months old on the 10th hard to believe my baby being that old already lol. I love her more and more each day and I plan on bettering my life for her and so I can be a great mom to her and I try and somedays are rough, but we get through them.

I don't talk to Jon or Tami at all anymore just not worth my time I am so over him and I really don't care about him anymore he is missing so many new things with Alexis and that is his choice. I don't bother with it anymore he is the one missing out not me.

As you can tell I am much happier yes the nights are still lonely but whatever I get through them and will continue to do so. I think when I am actually ready to start a relationship again then it will be ok and so will I and I will make this one work the best I can. My favorite saying is everything happens for a reason and well I really believe that now it just took long enough for me to see it that is all.

Anyway it is sooo past my bedtime so I am going to stop writing now but I just wanted to add one thing before I go I so LOVE my contacts they are making me feel so much better about myself and that is a good thing. Anyway that is all will update later.

G2G Bye!