Not a good day...

Hey guys,

I am just so upset right now so please be patient while I try to explain this it isn't easy and I am so confused and frusterated on what I should do. John asked me for $40.00 and well I have it to lend him but I said NO! when he asked because why would I say yes yet again. Everytime I have said yes I am always put down after he has gotton the money and I really couldn't go through all that hurt again I can't seem to take alot right now and that might put me over the edge this hasn't been an easy breakup for me but to him it is great because in his eyes he didn't think twice about dumping me like I was nothing to him and like I meant nothing to him, and he had no problem replacing me.

I met a really nice guy this weekend he has 2 kids and he is good to them and he is a true gentlemen but that isn't really what I am looking for right now I really feel like I am not ready to date and that I wouldn't be faithful to anyone because I still love John he was my # 1 person in my life. I have mixed feelings on everything right now but in my opinion and the way my heart feels right now I am not ready to go through this right now I can't take it or deal with anything right now. I just wish he would come back to me I really love John and it hurts because it just hurts way to much still my heart still hasn't healed at all I don't think.

I had a good day out with my family and friends if it wasn't for them and my daughter then I don't know where I would be right now. It scares me to even think of that because I have been put through alot of shit and I feel like I have been to hell and back and I don't think it is really fair what he has done to me. I went bowling and out for supper it was great Alexis was so good and had a fun time and we got lots of pics so over all it was good.

Then this shit starts and that always seems to wreck the good fun times I am having because then I go in my depression state and that isn't good but I really can't help that I just don't know how to make it go away. Anyway I am heading to bed soon but I will say one last thing before I end it....YOU ARE ONE LUCKY GIRL TAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss you John more than you will ever know.................

G2G Bye!

A happy day...

Hey guys,

Today has been great and just plain wonderful! It feels so good to say that just because of all the shit I have been through lately it was nice to have a break from all the bad memories and today I concentrated on the good memories that we shared and that seemed to help alot. I must say I had a busy non stop day though I am finally winding down now and trying desperately to get Alexis to sleep...hopefully she crashes soon that would be great!

Well I am on a new med it is called Effexcer so hopefully even though as my Doctor pointed out I am still in this situation as much as I don't want to be I have to be for now. Anyway I looked at him today and said I just want to be happy again and feel the way I did when I was with John. He said he couldn't tell me that this was going to work so he is only trying it and he is increasing the dosage slowly so a week at a time. I took my first 1 today so we will see how that goes.

Well anyway I will now tell you why I had such a good day...I woke up and got ready showered and headed for town then I went and met John's parents at least they still like me that helps alot knowing I will always have their support and that they will always be there for me. Anyway I did some running around with them. I got my hair cut and styled so that was nice and my hair feels so soft now so that is great. I walked to meet up with his parents again and off I went to do some more running around and then I had my doctor's appt which didn't go the way I wanted it to but hopefully I am back to normal very soon and before I know it. After that I went and picked up my perscription and went back to the Mackays so that wasn't too bad I didn't want to be there but I had to be so I could feed Alexis and take care of her and Amanda was coming to get me in a couple of hours so it wasn't to bad. John was amazingly nice to me and that felt so good and it reminded me of old times and all I thought about was the good ones I left the bad ones behind this time. I went and bought them sugar because they had none so that was awesome and they were happy about that one. I didn't realize how expensive sugar was untill you have to buy it lol.

Anyway it has just been a wonder day and I hope are more to follow it because that would be great! I will write more but right now I am off to bed because Alexis FINALLY went to sleep so that is great and when she is asleep that means her mommy can sleep.

G2G Bye!

Don't know what to think...

Hey guys,

I seem to be on the go now alot especially with this week, but once it is over with then I think it will slow down again. I mean I am doing a course and I am loving it, and it is good and teaching me alot but then when I come home again everything hit me again and it is like BANG everything hits me and it hits me hard BIG time!

Well I have had to be at my ex's and as much as I miss it there I don't want to be there at all so I try to get Alexis and take her out and that is what I have been doing when I have had to be there and then when I have to go somewhere John's mom takes her and watches her so I can do that. If it wasn't for John's mom then I wouldn't be able to have a life without Alexis(ok that sounds bad but I mean like the courses I am taking Alexis can't be there with me when I am doing them so that is all I meant by that, don't get me wrong I love my daughter I really do she is my everything and always will be!) So I really think highly of John's mom and thank her everyday and I call her everyday just to see how she is. She still thinks of me as her daughter-inlaw and I asked her not too but she does why I don't know because I am not I am nothing to her anymore yes even though John and I were not married but she has know me for 7 years so it is almost as we were married and she thinks as me as hers when I know and she knows that I will never be.

I did have alot of fun tonight just playing in the park although I had to find one that John and his gf didn't fool around in because I didn't want to be reminded of the bad things that went wrong so yah we went and played on all the equipment it was nice to get away and have fun for once and do something for me for once. I still think of my life alot and all the mistakes I made and all the times I had some were good some were bad but they are still in my head and I see them over and over again they seem to be on replay.

As I was talking to one of my friends tonight I looked at them and said you know what John makes me feel like I am a nobody worthless no good to anyone I am nothing and if I wasn't good enough for a MacKay boy then who am I good enough for that person couldn't argue with me and they knew it was the truth and the truth hurts but there is nothing I can do about that now is there? I ask myself everyday if I was different then would he have loved me? and I really don't know that answer but like a movie I hear it and see it everywhere I go and everything I do reminds something about John...He gave me a key chain once and he even picked it out himself and to this day it is my favorite and key chains are something I collect so it means alot to me and it was a silver heart and it had the poem or saying on it "I LOVE YOU TODAY FOREVER AND ALWAYS" to me if you give someone that you are susposed to mean it I don't know maybe that is just me but I love my key chain and even got all teary eyed when he gave it to me it was the sweetest thing and it came from his heart.

In the near future I just want to be me and find out where I belong and who I belong too in this world that is my goal and I attend to reach it and find my destination and then maybe just maybe I might be myself the happy person I was when I started going out with John those few years ago. I was happy to have a boyfriend that young and to still have one throughout high school and graduation was a big accomplishment in my life. I loved the idea of belonging to someone and the love I used to get from him was good and I think that is what I miss the most from him is the hugs he would give me or the little kiss he would sneak me I really miss those special moments but things happen for a reason and even though I don't know what that is yet...maybe Mr. Right is just around the corner I think I am meeting someone yes I guy on saturday so I am not sure how I am feeling about that right now because how do I know he isn't like John says he loves me when really he hated me all these years? Am I ready to try again to go through this all over again to wind up being hurt? How can I trust someone else I put all my trust in the man I loved and look wow I am single because I wasn't good enough I didn't make him happy anymore. I honestly did try I just wish he would have left me and not cheated on me first that is what hurts and what is a constant reminder to me.

Anyway I think this is all I have for now I just don't feel any good about myself and I know why and I hope to change that because inside I am an amazing person and I just don't feel that anymore because of everything I have been through. I really want to change and be me again but I am just having issues dealing with everything right now. Well it is bedtime I have a Dr Appt tomorrow so we will see how that goes.

G2G Bye!

Made up my mind...

Hey guys,

Well I have been trying not to think about all the bad things that have gone wrong in my life and I am not doing too bad with that one right now. I am currently working on my resume and if anything is frsuterating me it is that for sure!

I have finally made up my mind that I am NOT paying John's jeep payment when it is due next month I just can't do it and be hurt again. I mean if we were together again then yes I would do it for sure and wouldn't think twice about it, but we are not together and I always wind up getting hurt in the end and that isn't fair to me, and I really just can't do that anymore. I am not trying to be mean and I have thought about it alot and all I really can do is wait and sees what happens in the next week or so.

I have had a pretty good day it hasn't been that exciting but it hasn't been bad either. I got up at 11ish(oh trust me my day started at 3:30am) That is when Alexis decided it was time to get up and play(I had other ideas) but anyway she finally went back to sleep and it was all good. John;s mom called so she came and picked up Alexis and me and we headed into town and that is where I did some running around and got things done so I was pleased about that. I went for a walk and tried out the new stroller I love it!! Then I headed back to John's and his gf was just walking through the door and off he went down stairs with her and he didn't even say good bye to Alexis I felt bad for her. I went and got my eye brows waxed and then came back home and noone was here so I was a bit lonely and I really do hate that feeling. I gave Alexis a bath and worked on my resume and well I gave up on that idea and hired someone to help me with it(thanks Lisa!) and then my sister took Alexis and walked around with her for an hour while I could get this done(thanks Amanda!) so that was nice of her and she also got to spend some time with her neice so that was good. Well my resume is done and I am happy for that so now I am off to find a job tomorrow.

Well that is right I have been thinking about going back to work John's mom said she would babysit for me and I figure that me working would be a good thing and that way I can provide for my daughter and not be so fiancially stressed all the time. I am applying to a few places tomorrow and I hope to hear back from them soon. I am really excited about going back to work because I love working and I am hoping I will meet new ppl so that is what I am looking forward too.

Anyway it is getting late and if Alexis does what she did last night then I am in trouble and I also have to be up really early tomorrow morning so I better be getting to bed. I will update tomorrow hopefully on how the job hunting went.

G2G Bye!

Depression...

Hey guys,

Well depression is getting the best of me that is for sure. I am not sure what to think anymore and I can't help to blame myself for what has gone wrong.

I seem to feel sad and hurt all the time and when I am out here by myself I have alot of time to think about shit and that isn't good because when I start thinking I can't stop and then I find myself crying all over again. This isn't fair to Alexis how can John and I do this to her. I can't even put her down without her thinking I am going to leave her and that makes me more upset.

My life isn't getting any better and I really feel it is getting worst why I don't know maybe it is because I havn't had sex since July 9th and that was with John of course he is the only one I have ever slept with and I thought that was a good thing and now I really don't know what to think anymore I really don't. Sorry if that was too much information but it was on my mind so I had to write it.

Tonight hasn't been an easy night it has been rough a long. The nights always seem lonley now and I hate it I hate everything about it. There is nothing I can do to change any of it because if I could I would so I just have to give it time and that is what I have been trying to do but it isn't easy that is for sure. I don't think there will ever be a day that it will be easy and that I won't have this heartache anymore.

I havn't talk to John in days and that is what my intentions were so I am doing good that way, but I miss him like crazy even if he was an ass or is an ass I still miss having him hug me or kiss me or even just hold me like he used to there I go again on with the thinking I need to stop doing this it is hurting way to much and I can't take it. I plan on not talking to him EVER again if I can help it when he needs money I am not giving it to him I am all done with that bullshit because it is me that is getting hurt not him.

Anyway that is all what is on my mind for now but if I start thinking again then there will be more I just want to stop crying that would be a good start and then I would take it from there because I try to hold back the tears so no one sees me crying but the truth is I cry myself to sleep almost every night it is an awful feeling and the nights are so lonely I just want someone to cuddle me again like I am used to having. Will that ever happen will I ever have that wonderful feeling of being so close to someone I often wonder????????

G2G Bye!

My future and my pass...

Hey guys,

Well I went and got my tea leaves read yesterday with Jess and well I was surprised by what she told me... The initals stand for the 1st or last name of a guy or girl.

This is what is on my saucer:

1) Big Surprise! A tall man will run into you, you'll talk alot. He might have moved away, or went away on a trip. You either went to school or grew up together. He is interested in you and he will want to know if you are with anyone. He is about 6 ft tall and I will be surprised by him showing up or what he says. This will be a serious, long lasting relationship (maybe J or T inital)

2) Someone "T" will have a baby boy- I am thinking this will be my cousin's husband Tim because Cara(my cousin) is pregnant right now.

3) I will be signing papers for getting a 4 digit sum loan of some sort.

4) I will have a job interview and a job offer in a low building 2 floors stretched out.

This is what my cup had:

1) A good friend or cousin will be married next year with the intial "K" August 2008.

2) I am going to see a Doctor about a serious surgery and everything will be ok though. ( This has already happened, I had surgery on August 9th 2007)

3) Your taking a guy to court, Legal issues, He's a jerk, asshole and fuckhead(according to the reader) who manipulates you and holds the baby(I didn't even tell her I had a baby) over your head. He doesn't do anything for her. You take him to court either with a Lawyer or just Family court in about 9 months -September 2008 it will be a long, drawn out process. He will distance himself away from the baby.

4) New guy will love your child and things are going to work out ok and he will hate baby's father for not loving her.

5) You will be living with this new guy down the road. You will live closer to his family than yours.

6) Your invited to another wedding next year with the inital "A".

7) Purchase of a vehicle, need a car. Get fed up ad will get a car, someone in the family will back you up and help you out.

8) You will pass your drivers test!!!!

9) Funeral of an older, big woman about 5'4" tall. It will be sudden she isn't elderly and the initals are either a "B" or "R". Connected but not close.

10) New guy talks about getting married, you or him may bring up the idea of him adopting my child, it is more his idea than mine. The baby's father will not approve of this and will not sign the papers. Some problems but not arguing.

11) A road trip for 4 girls to the states(USA).

12) Talk about getting a house, it is a family house, lived in house. We do not live with either one of our parents. The house is either a 1 1/2 story or 2 stories.

Well that is all of them so I am not sure what to think of it still. I wish I knew who this guy was that she talked about it is driving me crazy not knowing lol.

Well that is all for tonight will write more later.

G2G Bye!

Don't know what to think...

Hey guys,

I am so confused and my heartache isn't getting better.....not even a little bit. I just want to be back to normal and right now that isn't happening and life isn't like I "pictured" it to be.

I was at the Mackay's and had to leave because when I was outside I just started bawling why I don't know but I did and couldn't help it. I had memeories that kept replaying over and over in my head and that made me think and then I just lost it.

I walked in the house and handed the baby over who was probably covered in her mommy's tears and then I left because I couldn't deal with anything at the time and I still can't I am distancing myself away from that family because it is just too hard and I try not to think about shit and that backfires and just gets thown in my face always in the end and I can't take that.

Anyway I asked myself is there ever going to come a day that I will just stop loving John? He has put me through hell and back these past few months but I can't stop loving him and thinking about him constantly. I just wish he would get out of my head and leave. I love Alexis and when I look at her I see him....she is a spitting image of her father which I am glad that she is but it makes it hard to look at her without thinking of him again, because we have Alexis together it makes it really hard to think and act like he doesn't exist when I know he does and I know Alexis has to see her father, so that is what makes it so harder on me and I really feel sorry for Alexis....this is so not fair to her to be bounced around and back and forth and to see her mother cry all the time I try to hold back the tears but sometimes they just come and I can't stop them as John always called me was a crybaby......

I have to go I just can't take anymore and I am done writing and talking for the night.

G2G Bye!

Broken...

Hey guys,

Well I have a broken phone, broken heart I was having an awful day yesterday. I was talking to my dad on my cell while I was cleaning and well I dropped the phone in the toliet(clean water thank god) but still it works but not right so I am going to see what I can do about that. Maybe it can be fixed you never know.

I got thinking about alot of things yesterday and well that just made me more upset I thought about everything from the time I could remember to now and well that made me more depressed. I didn't have an easy childhood, my father was hardly ever around and when he was he was sleeping or busy doing something. He work 3 jobs so he could give us what we needed and wanted and so he could make mom happy because she would have money to spend which always made her happy. My mom left my dad Xmas Eve and left my sister and I with him that night and I remember I wanted to go with mom and dad said if I went to sleep and stopped crying he would give me 25 cents so that was pretty good and I was happy to have that. Our Xmas was ruined and has never been the same from that time on... I met John and he hated Xmas too but together we survived it and went on with the new years to come, and when our daughter was born I think for the both of us it was the best Xmas ever....that was just last year what happens this year she is in a broken family because of her father. I wish for my Xmas wish that he would come back to me and make it work for Alexis and we could be a happy family again.

I don't think I ever want to be with someone new how could I be and if my daughter's father hated me so much then so would all the other guys I know it I was surprised I even had a boyfriend during the school years but I did and that was John and I love him and always will I just wish he would see that I wouldn't do things for him if I didn't love him and cared about him. Yes we had our fights but who doesn't and if he and I got back together I would change I really would why can't he see that I have been trying.

Anyway I still have sucidal thoughts go through my head and I can't control or stop them they are just there and I am afraid of them coming true because if I got upset enough then I know I would just do myself in because right now I just want the pain to go away and it is always still there I may look happy but really I am hurting and slowly I am dying of a broken heart. I know that is what it is from and there is nothing that I can do to fix it but John could he just deosn't want to.

Anyway my pills help me sleep but that is it and there are not helping me other ways like they are susposed to so maybe my doctor will have a solution for me. That is all for now got a baby to go take care of.

G2G Bye!

A rough night...

Hey guys,

Well last night it wasn't easy. I was so upset and got thinking about life and the way it was and the way it went and even though I want to get all these thoughts out of my head I can't.......I have tried. I hear certain songs and then comes the tears so I find myself crying alot and my heart is hurting more than ever I just wish he would come over and give me a hug because that is what I need right now just for him to hug me and for me to stop holding on.

Last night Alexis had a rough night the poor baby was teething so bad and she just didn't want to do anything besides cry and she was so upset and in so much pain I feel so bad for her and there was nothing I could do, besides hold her till she went to sleep. She finally went to sleep and stayed asleep and today when she woke up she has a little tooth poking through so that is exciting.

Well I go see my family doctor on the 27th of this month because he put me on anti depressants but I really don't think they are doing what they are susposed to do besides they help me sleep which is good but I still have sucidal thoughts running through my head and awful scary dreams that I will wake up and find myself crying. Anyway so yah I need to get my body and myself back to normal, so I am going to see what he says when I go see him.

Anyway Alexis needs to be fed it's her lunch time!

G2G Bye!

Great weekend...

Hey guys,

I have been having so much fun this weekend it isn't funny it has just been a blast! I went to Moncton yesterday with my parents and Jess and Alexis came too. We did some shopping and then went to eat at Ponderosa(my favorite resturant) it was good and the food and the prices were amazing. After there we went back to Jess's parents and mom and Clarence looked and bought their pool table that they had for sale from them so that was good.

We then headed to my mom's and stay and visited them for awhile and they had so much fun with the baby it was awesome, and the baby had a blast too she was laughing and giggling it was great to see my little girl so happy! We then headed back into town dropped off Alexis and went over to Sussex Corner and played Poker- Texas Hold'em so for me never playing before I liked it and didn't come in last Peirce did so I thought that was pretty good.

Anyway after that we decided it was getting late like 1:30ish am late so we dropped Peirce off and headed back to Jess's and then we went to bed because we were soo super tired.

That about covers everything for now I will write more tonight I am going back to the ex's so I can see my daughter so we will see how that goes and I need to be in town incase I need to go get Alexis' results from the doctor.

G2G Bye!

What a kick ass night...

Hey guys,

I had a wonderful day and night here is how it went... I got up with Alexis and she was so happy to see me and I played with her and just had some mother daughter bonding time it was great. I got her fed and changed and she went back to sleep for a while woke up and had some lunch.

I actually went out tonight and had a wicked ass time it was good and felt so nice to get out and live a little. Thanks to Jess, Peirce and Dee.... It was so fun and hope to do it again!!

Anyway that is all I got for tonight so talk to everyone tomorrow night when I update again.

G2G Bye!

What a wonderful day...

Hey guys,

It has been a wonderful day, got up and got Alexis ready to go to the lab and that went perfect she didn't even cry when they took her blood. That made me look bad because I am 22 and still cry/hyperventilate when it comes to needles lol.

I had a good time out with Jess tonight and everything went so good I couldn't have asked for a better day at all. I hope tomorrow it is as good as this one.

I have thought about John and I and what we did when we were younger and the "bad" things that we used to do and I miss that I will admit but I am hoping he will continue being friends with me and getting along for Alexis.

I had a good night sleep last night no bad dreams so the pills must be helping because I didn't wake up freaking out and crying like I normally would, so that was a big bonus.

Anyway I am off to bed for the night.

G2G Bye!

Not so great day...

Hey Guys,

Well today has been horribale for me nothing went right at all, why I don't know it just didn't.

I feel so empty there is no other words to explain it but empty I was diagnosed with depression today and then to have ppl say that I can control it without meds is not true my doctor wouldn't have given to me if he thought other wise. Alexis needs to go in for blood work tomorrow there is something wrong with her, so they are going to run tests and see how that goes.

I feel so alone and I can't help the way I feel all I know it is an awful feeling and I want it all to go away for good. I just wish I had that good feeling I had before everything went wrong...I just want to go up to John and hug him I miss his hugs I miss everything about him but that doesn't matter any more because he doesn't miss me.

Anyway I am in tears tonight and don't feel like writing anymore so have a good night.

G2G Bye!

What a great day...

Hey guys,

Today has been a great day, it started off a little shaky but got better as the day went on. I woke up at 7:30am thanks to Miss Boo and then had a bank appointment at 9am anyway so I went to ask John if he would watch Alexis and he said no but that was because he was sick and I didn't know about it at that time so I will admit that yah I was a bit pissed at him, but then I calmed down once I knew what was wrong with him.

I went to the bank to try to figure and straighten things out and well that didn't happen so I was a bit upset to find out that they couldn't do anything for me. The only way they would if John signed off and well I don't think he wants to do that but I don't know.

When I was walking back I got caught out in the rain and ended up getting soaked so that would have been ok but the rain was cold and me being wet was so not good. I made it back and Alexis was just eating because I texted Tami to find out if John was feeding her and he wasn't so I asked her too because I did not know that John was still sick and in bed.

Tonight has been wonderful I asked John to watch Alexis and I just went and hung out with Jess we did a few "loser laps" around town and just talked it was great and Alexis slept the whole time so John had no problems with her as well.

Well I have a Dr. Appt tomorrow for Alexis and while I am there I am going to asked him a few questions about myself because I need to know and he would have the answers for me. Alexis has been sleeping more than usual and she just doesn't seem to get enough sleep and is always tired and cranky. Hopefully the Dr. will fix that problem for us tomorrow if it can be done.

Anyway Alexis is sleeping so I am off of here and going to sleep before she wakes up lol.

G2G Bye!

Excitied...

Hey guys,

I am really excited because I am going to get my tea leaves read on September 22nd and I really can't wait! I am hoping that she can tell me what is going to take place in my life because I would love to know I really would.

Today has actually been a good day for me for once everything went good and there was no fighting what so ever it has just been a wicked day. It started off me walking up to the Irving with Alexis from there I went to the mall and then off to visit with my grandmother because she never sees Lexie so I thought it would be nice to stop by. Well while we were there my cousin came by with her newborn so I got to see him he is so sweet and I love his hair.

Anyway I thought I would try to find a job so John was susposed to watch Alexis but he starts work tomorrow night so I don't know what is going to take place. If someone calls me to start work then I will take it from there and go from there I guess.

Anyway I am going to bed soon so talk to you guys all later.

G2G Bye!

Hurt...

Hey guys,

Well I don't know what to think anymore I really don't. I was at John's parents house and someone went on my msn and messed alot of things up and even CHANGED my password I am just going to give up because I will never know who did it and really I don't care I just don't give 2 flying fucks anymore.

Well life is not getting better if anything I am hurting more and more and falling apart to pieces and noone can heal a broken heart besides the one I love and will always love no matter how much he hurt me I would take him back because that is what you do when you love someone right??? I really want me to wake up from this awful dream and continue going back to the way things used to be before everything went so wrong for what ever reasons he left me will always be beyond me and everyone else but that doesn't matter I will wait for him no matter how long it takes.

Alexis is 11 months old today I am really sad for a few reasons:

- I really wanted to be pregnant by this time and that will never happen and I have finally realized this, it has taken me a long time and I will never accept it but what can I do???

- I want to keep my baby a baby since she is my 1st and my last but I can't do that either and to think that this time next month I will have a 1 year old.

- I don't think it is fair to see her parents split up like John and I are I came from a broken family and it wasn't easy and I blamed myself for mom and dad divorcing.

- I miss her newborn stage when we 1st brought home that 7 pound baby and you go back to then and look at her now she is so big and only likes to cuddle when she is tired.

This is how I have been feeling lately and now I have to go through a bunch more bullshit so I don't know what to do about that. My case manger is making file child support and I really didn't want to do that but I have no choice. I am glad though because I told him I don't want to go to court over it and he said that if John coroperates then it won't have to so I was glad to hear about that I really was.

Anyway that covers it all for now I am pretty sure so talk to you guys all later.

G2G Bye!

I don't understand......

Hey guys,

Well I had a good night we went out and just had a few laughs something I havn't done in a while John didn't like going anywhere with me but now I know why. I was going to take Alexis with me but John made a big deal about it so he took her because he told me he didn't have any plans so I thought ok save the fighting he can take her...well I find out they went to the drivin and that hurts for one reason last time we went Tami wreck it for me, she texted John the whole time and wouldn't leave us alone and then she shows up and he runs off with her so ya what a night that was I tell ya.

Anyway it bothers me that he would go to the drivin with her no problem but I used to have to beg him there are so many things I am confused about it isn't funny and I just don't know what to think anymore I am hating this single life with a passion that is all I know lol.

I love Alexis she is my world and I wish I knew what was going through my head that day when I was ready to give her to him I wish I knew some say I just wasn't thinking and really I think it was is that I was having a nervous breakdown because I couldn't deal with it no more I just couldn't take anymore of the fighting and the bullshit I really couldn't. Anyway Alexis is our daughter and she will always be our daughter nothing or no one will change that. I love her with all my heart!!

I started thinking what life would be without her and I think I honestly think that I would be dead because I know I would have just given up my life over John I just loved him that much so I am beyond happy that I have that little girl to keep me alive and moving on with my life I am trying but I have my days where I just break down and cry and my teardrops are dripping on her and I hate her seeing me this way it is upsetting her too and I know this so I have tried to stop and will continue to try to stop.

Well I went and bought Alexis something really nice today and the day she turns 16 she will get it, it is a chain with the moon on it and it isn't just any moon it is the day she was born and it glows in the dark so I thought that would make her a great 16th birthday gift. Talking about birthdays Alexis will be 1 in a months time that is so hard to believe where has the time gone???

Well that gets me thinking again and I will always remember the year that her father and I started going out it was 2000 just like I will always remember the year 2007- when he left me for some other girl who was better than me. I always said I hated odd numbers and to this day I still do something always seems to happen on them.

Anyway I have more fun things to do so talk to you guys all later.

G2G Bye!

What went wrong....

Hey guys,

Well I have had alot of time to think about everything and when I say everything and I also had alot of support from so many ppl so I thankyou for all of that.

Yesterday I was having a bad day and then it was fine when I was out and then I come back and shit hits the fan and I couldn't take it I really couldn't so it just got worse and no better...

I almost gave up my rights as a mother and was just going to let her father and his gf raise her, but then with alot of ppl words and my thinking because that is all I have been doing lately is thinking. It took everything I had to not buy a plane ticket and be out of this place but then I thought and memories played back in my head over and over and
some were good especially the day Alexis was born and some were bad when he was abusive but I really can't say anything because I would fight right back at him so I know this makes me no better than he was.

I love my daughter Alexis I really do and I don't want to hurt her anymore it is not fair to Alexis and if I walked out of her life that would hurt her the most and I don't want to do that!! Alexis is mine and John's daughter and that is the way it is going to stay nothing or no one will EVER change that not in a million years!!!!!!!

I had a good night and I hope tomorrow is a good day as well and it was Alexis' first time seeing the hot air balloons and she loved them and she even had her picture taken with Miss NewBrunswick so I thought that was a pretty cool experience for an almost 11 month old.

Anyway it is so bedtime I am super tired so night everyone.

G2G Bye!

Im done...

Hey guys,

I am done with being a mother I can't take it I can't take the comments I went out tonight and I didn't hear the end of it because John and Tami both said I had her out too late and you know what if they think they can do a better job then be it. It is not fair to Alexis to see her parents fighting and listening to her father call me a CUNT because I am far from that I really am and someday he will realize that.

Anyway I am giving up for Alexis' sake she doesn't need me just like her father didn't and that way they can be happy because this is all I can handle it really is. I love Alexis to pieces but what do I do I am tired of being made to feel like a bad mother so this way they can have her and do a hell of alot better job than I can.

I feel so sick I can't do it there is something wrong and it isn't getting better all I want to do is be able to eat again and for some reason I can't I feel sick right after I am not sleeping good but that is probably because I had John to sleep with for the past 6 years I miss him I really do but I don't think I love him not after what he did to me tonight how can I??

Anyway I am too upset to write anymore tonight....

G2G Bye!

I don't know what to think...

Hey guys,

I thought life would be getting easier by now and well it isn't not one tiny little bit. I still have major strong feelings for John and I love him to pieces he doesn't have to love me but I know I wil NEVER stop loving him we have been through too much to just forget about all this things we did and we shared, and all the memories some good and some bad.

Well I am still at his parents house and i know I need to leave because seeing them together has made me realize a few things and they are not good and upsetting me like majorly bad:

- I wasn't good enough for him to be seen with me and that is why he NEVER held my hand.

- I really think he felt embarrased of me I mean look at me I really can't say I don't blame him no wonder he wanted someone else.

- He is happy now and with me he wasn't and i was a bitch and a horriable person and I wish I could go back and change time but that wouldn't fix anything he just doesn't love me like I love him.

- I should have been more on the wild side, you know get tattoos and peircings and not be a chicken shit person that I am but I screwed up and didn't get any.

Anyway that is what goes through my head on a daily basis why I feel this way is because of him and I can't live with the fact that I wasn't good enough that hurts alot. I don't think that I will EVER be able to get over the fact that he broke up with me and had someone new the next day. You know what I thought John was different my friend Kelly would tell me things that the guys she was with would do and what they were like and I always told myself I got lucky John isn't like that well I was wrong and now I am hurting real bad from it and noone knows just how bad that really is...

Well I went shopping today and bought myself some new clothes. I have lost a total of 25 pounds in a month so I am happy about that and I am trying to feel good about my body but I don't know I really don't...John used to tell me I was perfect and that he loved me for me well that was all lies and I know that now.

I tried eating today again it was some soup in a cup from Tim's but I drank the juice and that was it I just don't have an appetite to eat anymore and when I do my body makes me feel sick and I was sick enough when I was pregnant with Alexis and don't want to feel like that so when I don't eat I don't feel that way. I just hope it doesn't come to the point where I faint and stuff because that wouldn't be good and I know that but I can't find it in me to force myself to eat.

Alexis is doing great she started opening cupboards and taking things out and is just so playful now it is awesome she certainly keeps me on my toes and going everyday and I love it. It sadens me to know that she will be 1 next month and when I think of that I seem to go back to my brother's wedding day and my nephews....See my brother lives out west and only sees his boys in the summer and sometimes Christmas well when he was going on his honeymoon they didn't understand that he was coming back to get them and take them out west they thought he was leaving again and they wouldn't see him for a very long time and I remember my grandmother sitting there with the 2 boys and just holding and comforting them.....and she looks at Amanda and I and says " this is what happens when you have a broken family, it is harder on the kids" and well she is right I saw how upset my nephews were and all they wanted was their mommy. Well that day I got a thinking to myself that Alexis was lucky that her daddy and I would be together forever and would soon be married and she would have both her parents together. Well as everyone knows that didn't happen he left and I just feel really bad for Alexis because later on she will be the one hurting and she will think it was her fault which it isn't, it is my own and I know that but she doesn't, but I appoligize to her everynight and tell her I am sorry that her mommy is a screwup and that her father had to leave me.

Anyway once again it is late and I am all upset again so it is just time for me to go to bed...

G2G Bye!

Frustrated

Hey guys,

Well it has been a frustrating few days that is for sure. I have been cleaning up my bedroom and packing John's things it hasn't been easy but it is done now and they are all gone out of mine and Alexis' room so now it is just the 2 of us and I am trying to get used to that.

I can't say that I don't miss John and that I don't think about him day and night because I do I really do but I will stop someday soon I hope.... I am worried about him right now because he is sick reall sick and has been for a few days now he even went to the hospital which he NEVER does so that tells me something right there. I don't know what to think anymore I really don't I am so confused and my heart is still aching but I am trying really hard to just not think of him and trying to forget him, but with Alexis being "our" baby it is really hard because I have to talk to him I don't necessary have to see him but he is the one that insists on me going over to his parents when I wasn't sure what to do.

Yes that is right I am at his parents house and I also did something that I might regret and I might not whose knows later on we will see, but I gave John the car payment money he asked in a differnet way so I made him ask me nicley and he did so I said yes to him but deep down I think he knew I wouldn't let him lose his vechicle he may think I am a bitch and a horriable person but if I was then I would have just said No! I didn't though because I feel bad for him I know he isn't working and either is his girlfriend so since I had the money I just gave it to him if he pays me back someday that would be great if not then well I don't really know what to think but I will get over it I am sure.

I made cookies tonight at his parents house and here is the reason why because when Jonathon and I started going out he called me one night and asked him to make him some chocolate chip cookies so I did well it happened to be Balloon fiesta weekend and his dad's birthday so Elmer got cookies for his birthday and I did that every year from that time on so the time has come around again and I wanted to keep at least that one thing so I made the cookies and apparently they were good I don't know I wasn't hungry I just enjoyed baking them that is all.

I am still not eating like I should be and when I do eat I feel sick right after I do good to eat like 2 spoon fulls and then I am done. I have been like that for a while now and I really don't know why I have no idea what could be causing it but I also don't want to get to the point where I end up passing out and Alexis is screaming and noone is there because very soon I will have our own place and this could happen it scares me to even think about it why I don't know it just does....

These dreams I have been having are very scary I am in a place I dont know and I am laying on the floor meanwhile Alexis is a baby still and just a screaming and crying so hard I can see her and I don't know what is wrong I can't get up but I know she is there and I really don't whats the matter but her cry is upsetting me and I try to get up and I just fall over again and then later on all I see is John Lexie and Tami. am out of the picture and Alexis is much older now so I really don't know what happened but I dream this often and it wakes me up and I am all upset and have been crying in my sleep so I just wish i knew what this meant.

I am thinking about going to see a Physic maybe she or he can help me figure out my life and give me some good news anyway it is just something I have been looking into...

Well life at mom's is crazy and I hate it there and always has unless John was there and then it was soso ok but he and I would have rathered been at his parents. I don't know I am lonely when they are gone but when they come home all they do is fight and bitch at me it has been like that for as long as I can remember and things havn't changed. It got so bad there this evening that I was going to take Alexis and go for a long walk just so I could get away and do something I hate the fact that I don't have my license so I am always stuck in Collina now and can't get a drive to go anywhere so that drives me crazy as well. Well I text John and told him I was leaving because I needed to get out and he convinced to come here. I thought really hard and diddecided to go for it because as he said I needed a break and it is true I did so I am at his parents' house once again. I really wish I could stay away but it doesn't seem to happen I always end up coming back.

well it is late and time for bed.....

G2G Bye!

Mixed Up and Confused

Hey guys,

Well as you know John and I are not getting back together but I just really want him back I wish I could just wake up and realize this has been a really bad dream but in reality I know it hasn't...

As alot of ppl know I would do anything to have him back if it is tattoos and peircings he likes so be it I will get anything and do anything to my body as long as it made him happy. Now don't get me wrong he is happy now that he is not with me but I am so not happy I am very depressed and just wanting to give him full custody of Alexis because I really don't know what esle to do I really don't. I am so messed up and confused and frusterated with the way my life has turned out and it is all my fault and all I want to do is be able to fix it..... I just want to fix the pain I am feeling and the crushed heart I have and I really want to fix what John and I used to have but he doesn't want me so if he doesn't want me then who does??

I am still apartment hunting and having no luck of course ppl hear single mother and they turn you away, does ppl not know how much that hurts it isn't my fault I didn't asked him to do this to me to hurt me the way he has like when your baby's father looks at you one night and wishes you were dead how do you think that makes me feel was he not thinking and not caring that maybe I have feelings too that can be hurt??

Anyway I guess I am having a tough time with this breakup John was my one true love I just wasn't his I guess. I asked myself everyday what if? and what did I do so wrong that someone stops loving you just like that for 7 years and doesn't think twice about it and the next day he is with someone else that will never know and love him like I do yes i still love him how can I not i can't just forget and move on I really can't...

I can't eat, sleep nothing life is just not the same without John and it won't be because I was used to having someone to sleep with and cuddle at night and I don't have that anymore so it just upsets me more and makes me more depressed I just want him back I will change and let him do what ever he wants I just want to be with him and grow old with him and get married like he had put in my head can't this just be a really bad dream and I can wake up and realize that I was just dreaming I still have my soul mate why can't I just do that???

I am so mad at the world and my life, my stupidity, my everything I am just so mad at the way it turned out and how I feel all the time. I just want it all to go away I just want the hurt the broken heart to especially go away but like I said and will continue saying only John can fix that one...

G2G Bye!