Broken...

Hey guys,

Well I have a broken phone, broken heart I was having an awful day yesterday. I was talking to my dad on my cell while I was cleaning and well I dropped the phone in the toliet(clean water thank god) but still it works but not right so I am going to see what I can do about that. Maybe it can be fixed you never know.

I got thinking about alot of things yesterday and well that just made me more upset I thought about everything from the time I could remember to now and well that made me more depressed. I didn't have an easy childhood, my father was hardly ever around and when he was he was sleeping or busy doing something. He work 3 jobs so he could give us what we needed and wanted and so he could make mom happy because she would have money to spend which always made her happy. My mom left my dad Xmas Eve and left my sister and I with him that night and I remember I wanted to go with mom and dad said if I went to sleep and stopped crying he would give me 25 cents so that was pretty good and I was happy to have that. Our Xmas was ruined and has never been the same from that time on... I met John and he hated Xmas too but together we survived it and went on with the new years to come, and when our daughter was born I think for the both of us it was the best Xmas ever....that was just last year what happens this year she is in a broken family because of her father. I wish for my Xmas wish that he would come back to me and make it work for Alexis and we could be a happy family again.

I don't think I ever want to be with someone new how could I be and if my daughter's father hated me so much then so would all the other guys I know it I was surprised I even had a boyfriend during the school years but I did and that was John and I love him and always will I just wish he would see that I wouldn't do things for him if I didn't love him and cared about him. Yes we had our fights but who doesn't and if he and I got back together I would change I really would why can't he see that I have been trying.

Anyway I still have sucidal thoughts go through my head and I can't control or stop them they are just there and I am afraid of them coming true because if I got upset enough then I know I would just do myself in because right now I just want the pain to go away and it is always still there I may look happy but really I am hurting and slowly I am dying of a broken heart. I know that is what it is from and there is nothing that I can do to fix it but John could he just deosn't want to.

Anyway my pills help me sleep but that is it and there are not helping me other ways like they are susposed to so maybe my doctor will have a solution for me. That is all for now got a baby to go take care of.

G2G Bye!