Don't know what to think...

Hey guys,

I seem to be on the go now alot especially with this week, but once it is over with then I think it will slow down again. I mean I am doing a course and I am loving it, and it is good and teaching me alot but then when I come home again everything hit me again and it is like BANG everything hits me and it hits me hard BIG time!

Well I have had to be at my ex's and as much as I miss it there I don't want to be there at all so I try to get Alexis and take her out and that is what I have been doing when I have had to be there and then when I have to go somewhere John's mom takes her and watches her so I can do that. If it wasn't for John's mom then I wouldn't be able to have a life without Alexis(ok that sounds bad but I mean like the courses I am taking Alexis can't be there with me when I am doing them so that is all I meant by that, don't get me wrong I love my daughter I really do she is my everything and always will be!) So I really think highly of John's mom and thank her everyday and I call her everyday just to see how she is. She still thinks of me as her daughter-inlaw and I asked her not too but she does why I don't know because I am not I am nothing to her anymore yes even though John and I were not married but she has know me for 7 years so it is almost as we were married and she thinks as me as hers when I know and she knows that I will never be.

I did have alot of fun tonight just playing in the park although I had to find one that John and his gf didn't fool around in because I didn't want to be reminded of the bad things that went wrong so yah we went and played on all the equipment it was nice to get away and have fun for once and do something for me for once. I still think of my life alot and all the mistakes I made and all the times I had some were good some were bad but they are still in my head and I see them over and over again they seem to be on replay.

As I was talking to one of my friends tonight I looked at them and said you know what John makes me feel like I am a nobody worthless no good to anyone I am nothing and if I wasn't good enough for a MacKay boy then who am I good enough for that person couldn't argue with me and they knew it was the truth and the truth hurts but there is nothing I can do about that now is there? I ask myself everyday if I was different then would he have loved me? and I really don't know that answer but like a movie I hear it and see it everywhere I go and everything I do reminds something about John...He gave me a key chain once and he even picked it out himself and to this day it is my favorite and key chains are something I collect so it means alot to me and it was a silver heart and it had the poem or saying on it "I LOVE YOU TODAY FOREVER AND ALWAYS" to me if you give someone that you are susposed to mean it I don't know maybe that is just me but I love my key chain and even got all teary eyed when he gave it to me it was the sweetest thing and it came from his heart.

In the near future I just want to be me and find out where I belong and who I belong too in this world that is my goal and I attend to reach it and find my destination and then maybe just maybe I might be myself the happy person I was when I started going out with John those few years ago. I was happy to have a boyfriend that young and to still have one throughout high school and graduation was a big accomplishment in my life. I loved the idea of belonging to someone and the love I used to get from him was good and I think that is what I miss the most from him is the hugs he would give me or the little kiss he would sneak me I really miss those special moments but things happen for a reason and even though I don't know what that is yet...maybe Mr. Right is just around the corner I think I am meeting someone yes I guy on saturday so I am not sure how I am feeling about that right now because how do I know he isn't like John says he loves me when really he hated me all these years? Am I ready to try again to go through this all over again to wind up being hurt? How can I trust someone else I put all my trust in the man I loved and look wow I am single because I wasn't good enough I didn't make him happy anymore. I honestly did try I just wish he would have left me and not cheated on me first that is what hurts and what is a constant reminder to me.

Anyway I think this is all I have for now I just don't feel any good about myself and I know why and I hope to change that because inside I am an amazing person and I just don't feel that anymore because of everything I have been through. I really want to change and be me again but I am just having issues dealing with everything right now. Well it is bedtime I have a Dr Appt tomorrow so we will see how that goes.

G2G Bye!