Hey guys,
Well I don't know what to think anymore I really don't. I was at John's parents house and someone went on my msn and messed alot of things up and even CHANGED my password I am just going to give up because I will never know who did it and really I don't care I just don't give 2 flying fucks anymore.
Well life is not getting better if anything I am hurting more and more and falling apart to pieces and noone can heal a broken heart besides the one I love and will always love no matter how much he hurt me I would take him back because that is what you do when you love someone right??? I really want me to wake up from this awful dream and continue going back to the way things used to be before everything went so wrong for what ever reasons he left me will always be beyond me and everyone else but that doesn't matter I will wait for him no matter how long it takes.
Alexis is 11 months old today I am really sad for a few reasons:
- I really wanted to be pregnant by this time and that will never happen and I have finally realized this, it has taken me a long time and I will never accept it but what can I do???
- I want to keep my baby a baby since she is my 1st and my last but I can't do that either and to think that this time next month I will have a 1 year old.
- I don't think it is fair to see her parents split up like John and I are I came from a broken family and it wasn't easy and I blamed myself for mom and dad divorcing.
- I miss her newborn stage when we 1st brought home that 7 pound baby and you go back to then and look at her now she is so big and only likes to cuddle when she is tired.
This is how I have been feeling lately and now I have to go through a bunch more bullshit so I don't know what to do about that. My case manger is making file child support and I really didn't want to do that but I have no choice. I am glad though because I told him I don't want to go to court over it and he said that if John coroperates then it won't have to so I was glad to hear about that I really was.
Anyway that covers it all for now I am pretty sure so talk to you guys all later.
G2G Bye!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Saturday, September 8, 2007
I don't understand......
Hey guys,
Well I had a good night we went out and just had a few laughs something I havn't done in a while John didn't like going anywhere with me but now I know why. I was going to take Alexis with me but John made a big deal about it so he took her because he told me he didn't have any plans so I thought ok save the fighting he can take her...well I find out they went to the drivin and that hurts for one reason last time we went Tami wreck it for me, she texted John the whole time and wouldn't leave us alone and then she shows up and he runs off with her so ya what a night that was I tell ya.
Anyway it bothers me that he would go to the drivin with her no problem but I used to have to beg him there are so many things I am confused about it isn't funny and I just don't know what to think anymore I am hating this single life with a passion that is all I know lol.
I love Alexis she is my world and I wish I knew what was going through my head that day when I was ready to give her to him I wish I knew some say I just wasn't thinking and really I think it was is that I was having a nervous breakdown because I couldn't deal with it no more I just couldn't take anymore of the fighting and the bullshit I really couldn't. Anyway Alexis is our daughter and she will always be our daughter nothing or no one will change that. I love her with all my heart!!
I started thinking what life would be without her and I think I honestly think that I would be dead because I know I would have just given up my life over John I just loved him that much so I am beyond happy that I have that little girl to keep me alive and moving on with my life I am trying but I have my days where I just break down and cry and my teardrops are dripping on her and I hate her seeing me this way it is upsetting her too and I know this so I have tried to stop and will continue to try to stop.
Well I went and bought Alexis something really nice today and the day she turns 16 she will get it, it is a chain with the moon on it and it isn't just any moon it is the day she was born and it glows in the dark so I thought that would make her a great 16th birthday gift. Talking about birthdays Alexis will be 1 in a months time that is so hard to believe where has the time gone???
Well that gets me thinking again and I will always remember the year that her father and I started going out it was 2000 just like I will always remember the year 2007- when he left me for some other girl who was better than me. I always said I hated odd numbers and to this day I still do something always seems to happen on them.
Anyway I have more fun things to do so talk to you guys all later.
G2G Bye!
Well I had a good night we went out and just had a few laughs something I havn't done in a while John didn't like going anywhere with me but now I know why. I was going to take Alexis with me but John made a big deal about it so he took her because he told me he didn't have any plans so I thought ok save the fighting he can take her...well I find out they went to the drivin and that hurts for one reason last time we went Tami wreck it for me, she texted John the whole time and wouldn't leave us alone and then she shows up and he runs off with her so ya what a night that was I tell ya.
Anyway it bothers me that he would go to the drivin with her no problem but I used to have to beg him there are so many things I am confused about it isn't funny and I just don't know what to think anymore I am hating this single life with a passion that is all I know lol.
I love Alexis she is my world and I wish I knew what was going through my head that day when I was ready to give her to him I wish I knew some say I just wasn't thinking and really I think it was is that I was having a nervous breakdown because I couldn't deal with it no more I just couldn't take anymore of the fighting and the bullshit I really couldn't. Anyway Alexis is our daughter and she will always be our daughter nothing or no one will change that. I love her with all my heart!!
I started thinking what life would be without her and I think I honestly think that I would be dead because I know I would have just given up my life over John I just loved him that much so I am beyond happy that I have that little girl to keep me alive and moving on with my life I am trying but I have my days where I just break down and cry and my teardrops are dripping on her and I hate her seeing me this way it is upsetting her too and I know this so I have tried to stop and will continue to try to stop.
Well I went and bought Alexis something really nice today and the day she turns 16 she will get it, it is a chain with the moon on it and it isn't just any moon it is the day she was born and it glows in the dark so I thought that would make her a great 16th birthday gift. Talking about birthdays Alexis will be 1 in a months time that is so hard to believe where has the time gone???
Well that gets me thinking again and I will always remember the year that her father and I started going out it was 2000 just like I will always remember the year 2007- when he left me for some other girl who was better than me. I always said I hated odd numbers and to this day I still do something always seems to happen on them.
Anyway I have more fun things to do so talk to you guys all later.
G2G Bye!
Friday, September 7, 2007
What went wrong....
Hey guys,
Well I have had alot of time to think about everything and when I say everything and I also had alot of support from so many ppl so I thankyou for all of that.
Yesterday I was having a bad day and then it was fine when I was out and then I come back and shit hits the fan and I couldn't take it I really couldn't so it just got worse and no better...
I almost gave up my rights as a mother and was just going to let her father and his gf raise her, but then with alot of ppl words and my thinking because that is all I have been doing lately is thinking. It took everything I had to not buy a plane ticket and be out of this place but then I thought and memories played back in my head over and over and
some were good especially the day Alexis was born and some were bad when he was abusive but I really can't say anything because I would fight right back at him so I know this makes me no better than he was.
I love my daughter Alexis I really do and I don't want to hurt her anymore it is not fair to Alexis and if I walked out of her life that would hurt her the most and I don't want to do that!! Alexis is mine and John's daughter and that is the way it is going to stay nothing or no one will EVER change that not in a million years!!!!!!!
I had a good night and I hope tomorrow is a good day as well and it was Alexis' first time seeing the hot air balloons and she loved them and she even had her picture taken with Miss NewBrunswick so I thought that was a pretty cool experience for an almost 11 month old.
Anyway it is so bedtime I am super tired so night everyone.
G2G Bye!
Well I have had alot of time to think about everything and when I say everything and I also had alot of support from so many ppl so I thankyou for all of that.
Yesterday I was having a bad day and then it was fine when I was out and then I come back and shit hits the fan and I couldn't take it I really couldn't so it just got worse and no better...
I almost gave up my rights as a mother and was just going to let her father and his gf raise her, but then with alot of ppl words and my thinking because that is all I have been doing lately is thinking. It took everything I had to not buy a plane ticket and be out of this place but then I thought and memories played back in my head over and over and
some were good especially the day Alexis was born and some were bad when he was abusive but I really can't say anything because I would fight right back at him so I know this makes me no better than he was.
I love my daughter Alexis I really do and I don't want to hurt her anymore it is not fair to Alexis and if I walked out of her life that would hurt her the most and I don't want to do that!! Alexis is mine and John's daughter and that is the way it is going to stay nothing or no one will EVER change that not in a million years!!!!!!!
I had a good night and I hope tomorrow is a good day as well and it was Alexis' first time seeing the hot air balloons and she loved them and she even had her picture taken with Miss NewBrunswick so I thought that was a pretty cool experience for an almost 11 month old.
Anyway it is so bedtime I am super tired so night everyone.
G2G Bye!
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Im done...
Hey guys,
I am done with being a mother I can't take it I can't take the comments I went out tonight and I didn't hear the end of it because John and Tami both said I had her out too late and you know what if they think they can do a better job then be it. It is not fair to Alexis to see her parents fighting and listening to her father call me a CUNT because I am far from that I really am and someday he will realize that.
Anyway I am giving up for Alexis' sake she doesn't need me just like her father didn't and that way they can be happy because this is all I can handle it really is. I love Alexis to pieces but what do I do I am tired of being made to feel like a bad mother so this way they can have her and do a hell of alot better job than I can.
I feel so sick I can't do it there is something wrong and it isn't getting better all I want to do is be able to eat again and for some reason I can't I feel sick right after I am not sleeping good but that is probably because I had John to sleep with for the past 6 years I miss him I really do but I don't think I love him not after what he did to me tonight how can I??
Anyway I am too upset to write anymore tonight....
G2G Bye!
I am done with being a mother I can't take it I can't take the comments I went out tonight and I didn't hear the end of it because John and Tami both said I had her out too late and you know what if they think they can do a better job then be it. It is not fair to Alexis to see her parents fighting and listening to her father call me a CUNT because I am far from that I really am and someday he will realize that.
Anyway I am giving up for Alexis' sake she doesn't need me just like her father didn't and that way they can be happy because this is all I can handle it really is. I love Alexis to pieces but what do I do I am tired of being made to feel like a bad mother so this way they can have her and do a hell of alot better job than I can.
I feel so sick I can't do it there is something wrong and it isn't getting better all I want to do is be able to eat again and for some reason I can't I feel sick right after I am not sleeping good but that is probably because I had John to sleep with for the past 6 years I miss him I really do but I don't think I love him not after what he did to me tonight how can I??
Anyway I am too upset to write anymore tonight....
G2G Bye!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
I don't know what to think...
Hey guys,
I thought life would be getting easier by now and well it isn't not one tiny little bit. I still have major strong feelings for John and I love him to pieces he doesn't have to love me but I know I wil NEVER stop loving him we have been through too much to just forget about all this things we did and we shared, and all the memories some good and some bad.
Well I am still at his parents house and i know I need to leave because seeing them together has made me realize a few things and they are not good and upsetting me like majorly bad:
- I wasn't good enough for him to be seen with me and that is why he NEVER held my hand.
- I really think he felt embarrased of me I mean look at me I really can't say I don't blame him no wonder he wanted someone else.
- He is happy now and with me he wasn't and i was a bitch and a horriable person and I wish I could go back and change time but that wouldn't fix anything he just doesn't love me like I love him.
- I should have been more on the wild side, you know get tattoos and peircings and not be a chicken shit person that I am but I screwed up and didn't get any.
Anyway that is what goes through my head on a daily basis why I feel this way is because of him and I can't live with the fact that I wasn't good enough that hurts alot. I don't think that I will EVER be able to get over the fact that he broke up with me and had someone new the next day. You know what I thought John was different my friend Kelly would tell me things that the guys she was with would do and what they were like and I always told myself I got lucky John isn't like that well I was wrong and now I am hurting real bad from it and noone knows just how bad that really is...
Well I went shopping today and bought myself some new clothes. I have lost a total of 25 pounds in a month so I am happy about that and I am trying to feel good about my body but I don't know I really don't...John used to tell me I was perfect and that he loved me for me well that was all lies and I know that now.
I tried eating today again it was some soup in a cup from Tim's but I drank the juice and that was it I just don't have an appetite to eat anymore and when I do my body makes me feel sick and I was sick enough when I was pregnant with Alexis and don't want to feel like that so when I don't eat I don't feel that way. I just hope it doesn't come to the point where I faint and stuff because that wouldn't be good and I know that but I can't find it in me to force myself to eat.
Alexis is doing great she started opening cupboards and taking things out and is just so playful now it is awesome she certainly keeps me on my toes and going everyday and I love it. It sadens me to know that she will be 1 next month and when I think of that I seem to go back to my brother's wedding day and my nephews....See my brother lives out west and only sees his boys in the summer and sometimes Christmas well when he was going on his honeymoon they didn't understand that he was coming back to get them and take them out west they thought he was leaving again and they wouldn't see him for a very long time and I remember my grandmother sitting there with the 2 boys and just holding and comforting them.....and she looks at Amanda and I and says " this is what happens when you have a broken family, it is harder on the kids" and well she is right I saw how upset my nephews were and all they wanted was their mommy. Well that day I got a thinking to myself that Alexis was lucky that her daddy and I would be together forever and would soon be married and she would have both her parents together. Well as everyone knows that didn't happen he left and I just feel really bad for Alexis because later on she will be the one hurting and she will think it was her fault which it isn't, it is my own and I know that but she doesn't, but I appoligize to her everynight and tell her I am sorry that her mommy is a screwup and that her father had to leave me.
Anyway once again it is late and I am all upset again so it is just time for me to go to bed...
G2G Bye!
I thought life would be getting easier by now and well it isn't not one tiny little bit. I still have major strong feelings for John and I love him to pieces he doesn't have to love me but I know I wil NEVER stop loving him we have been through too much to just forget about all this things we did and we shared, and all the memories some good and some bad.
Well I am still at his parents house and i know I need to leave because seeing them together has made me realize a few things and they are not good and upsetting me like majorly bad:
- I wasn't good enough for him to be seen with me and that is why he NEVER held my hand.
- I really think he felt embarrased of me I mean look at me I really can't say I don't blame him no wonder he wanted someone else.
- He is happy now and with me he wasn't and i was a bitch and a horriable person and I wish I could go back and change time but that wouldn't fix anything he just doesn't love me like I love him.
- I should have been more on the wild side, you know get tattoos and peircings and not be a chicken shit person that I am but I screwed up and didn't get any.
Anyway that is what goes through my head on a daily basis why I feel this way is because of him and I can't live with the fact that I wasn't good enough that hurts alot. I don't think that I will EVER be able to get over the fact that he broke up with me and had someone new the next day. You know what I thought John was different my friend Kelly would tell me things that the guys she was with would do and what they were like and I always told myself I got lucky John isn't like that well I was wrong and now I am hurting real bad from it and noone knows just how bad that really is...
Well I went shopping today and bought myself some new clothes. I have lost a total of 25 pounds in a month so I am happy about that and I am trying to feel good about my body but I don't know I really don't...John used to tell me I was perfect and that he loved me for me well that was all lies and I know that now.
I tried eating today again it was some soup in a cup from Tim's but I drank the juice and that was it I just don't have an appetite to eat anymore and when I do my body makes me feel sick and I was sick enough when I was pregnant with Alexis and don't want to feel like that so when I don't eat I don't feel that way. I just hope it doesn't come to the point where I faint and stuff because that wouldn't be good and I know that but I can't find it in me to force myself to eat.
Alexis is doing great she started opening cupboards and taking things out and is just so playful now it is awesome she certainly keeps me on my toes and going everyday and I love it. It sadens me to know that she will be 1 next month and when I think of that I seem to go back to my brother's wedding day and my nephews....See my brother lives out west and only sees his boys in the summer and sometimes Christmas well when he was going on his honeymoon they didn't understand that he was coming back to get them and take them out west they thought he was leaving again and they wouldn't see him for a very long time and I remember my grandmother sitting there with the 2 boys and just holding and comforting them.....and she looks at Amanda and I and says " this is what happens when you have a broken family, it is harder on the kids" and well she is right I saw how upset my nephews were and all they wanted was their mommy. Well that day I got a thinking to myself that Alexis was lucky that her daddy and I would be together forever and would soon be married and she would have both her parents together. Well as everyone knows that didn't happen he left and I just feel really bad for Alexis because later on she will be the one hurting and she will think it was her fault which it isn't, it is my own and I know that but she doesn't, but I appoligize to her everynight and tell her I am sorry that her mommy is a screwup and that her father had to leave me.
Anyway once again it is late and I am all upset again so it is just time for me to go to bed...
G2G Bye!
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Frustrated
Hey guys,
Well it has been a frustrating few days that is for sure. I have been cleaning up my bedroom and packing John's things it hasn't been easy but it is done now and they are all gone out of mine and Alexis' room so now it is just the 2 of us and I am trying to get used to that.
I can't say that I don't miss John and that I don't think about him day and night because I do I really do but I will stop someday soon I hope.... I am worried about him right now because he is sick reall sick and has been for a few days now he even went to the hospital which he NEVER does so that tells me something right there. I don't know what to think anymore I really don't I am so confused and my heart is still aching but I am trying really hard to just not think of him and trying to forget him, but with Alexis being "our" baby it is really hard because I have to talk to him I don't necessary have to see him but he is the one that insists on me going over to his parents when I wasn't sure what to do.
Yes that is right I am at his parents house and I also did something that I might regret and I might not whose knows later on we will see, but I gave John the car payment money he asked in a differnet way so I made him ask me nicley and he did so I said yes to him but deep down I think he knew I wouldn't let him lose his vechicle he may think I am a bitch and a horriable person but if I was then I would have just said No! I didn't though because I feel bad for him I know he isn't working and either is his girlfriend so since I had the money I just gave it to him if he pays me back someday that would be great if not then well I don't really know what to think but I will get over it I am sure.
I made cookies tonight at his parents house and here is the reason why because when Jonathon and I started going out he called me one night and asked him to make him some chocolate chip cookies so I did well it happened to be Balloon fiesta weekend and his dad's birthday so Elmer got cookies for his birthday and I did that every year from that time on so the time has come around again and I wanted to keep at least that one thing so I made the cookies and apparently they were good I don't know I wasn't hungry I just enjoyed baking them that is all.
I am still not eating like I should be and when I do eat I feel sick right after I do good to eat like 2 spoon fulls and then I am done. I have been like that for a while now and I really don't know why I have no idea what could be causing it but I also don't want to get to the point where I end up passing out and Alexis is screaming and noone is there because very soon I will have our own place and this could happen it scares me to even think about it why I don't know it just does....
These dreams I have been having are very scary I am in a place I dont know and I am laying on the floor meanwhile Alexis is a baby still and just a screaming and crying so hard I can see her and I don't know what is wrong I can't get up but I know she is there and I really don't whats the matter but her cry is upsetting me and I try to get up and I just fall over again and then later on all I see is John Lexie and Tami. am out of the picture and Alexis is much older now so I really don't know what happened but I dream this often and it wakes me up and I am all upset and have been crying in my sleep so I just wish i knew what this meant.
I am thinking about going to see a Physic maybe she or he can help me figure out my life and give me some good news anyway it is just something I have been looking into...
Well life at mom's is crazy and I hate it there and always has unless John was there and then it was soso ok but he and I would have rathered been at his parents. I don't know I am lonely when they are gone but when they come home all they do is fight and bitch at me it has been like that for as long as I can remember and things havn't changed. It got so bad there this evening that I was going to take Alexis and go for a long walk just so I could get away and do something I hate the fact that I don't have my license so I am always stuck in Collina now and can't get a drive to go anywhere so that drives me crazy as well. Well I text John and told him I was leaving because I needed to get out and he convinced to come here. I thought really hard and diddecided to go for it because as he said I needed a break and it is true I did so I am at his parents' house once again. I really wish I could stay away but it doesn't seem to happen I always end up coming back.
well it is late and time for bed.....
G2G Bye!
Well it has been a frustrating few days that is for sure. I have been cleaning up my bedroom and packing John's things it hasn't been easy but it is done now and they are all gone out of mine and Alexis' room so now it is just the 2 of us and I am trying to get used to that.
I can't say that I don't miss John and that I don't think about him day and night because I do I really do but I will stop someday soon I hope.... I am worried about him right now because he is sick reall sick and has been for a few days now he even went to the hospital which he NEVER does so that tells me something right there. I don't know what to think anymore I really don't I am so confused and my heart is still aching but I am trying really hard to just not think of him and trying to forget him, but with Alexis being "our" baby it is really hard because I have to talk to him I don't necessary have to see him but he is the one that insists on me going over to his parents when I wasn't sure what to do.
Yes that is right I am at his parents house and I also did something that I might regret and I might not whose knows later on we will see, but I gave John the car payment money he asked in a differnet way so I made him ask me nicley and he did so I said yes to him but deep down I think he knew I wouldn't let him lose his vechicle he may think I am a bitch and a horriable person but if I was then I would have just said No! I didn't though because I feel bad for him I know he isn't working and either is his girlfriend so since I had the money I just gave it to him if he pays me back someday that would be great if not then well I don't really know what to think but I will get over it I am sure.
I made cookies tonight at his parents house and here is the reason why because when Jonathon and I started going out he called me one night and asked him to make him some chocolate chip cookies so I did well it happened to be Balloon fiesta weekend and his dad's birthday so Elmer got cookies for his birthday and I did that every year from that time on so the time has come around again and I wanted to keep at least that one thing so I made the cookies and apparently they were good I don't know I wasn't hungry I just enjoyed baking them that is all.
I am still not eating like I should be and when I do eat I feel sick right after I do good to eat like 2 spoon fulls and then I am done. I have been like that for a while now and I really don't know why I have no idea what could be causing it but I also don't want to get to the point where I end up passing out and Alexis is screaming and noone is there because very soon I will have our own place and this could happen it scares me to even think about it why I don't know it just does....
These dreams I have been having are very scary I am in a place I dont know and I am laying on the floor meanwhile Alexis is a baby still and just a screaming and crying so hard I can see her and I don't know what is wrong I can't get up but I know she is there and I really don't whats the matter but her cry is upsetting me and I try to get up and I just fall over again and then later on all I see is John Lexie and Tami. am out of the picture and Alexis is much older now so I really don't know what happened but I dream this often and it wakes me up and I am all upset and have been crying in my sleep so I just wish i knew what this meant.
I am thinking about going to see a Physic maybe she or he can help me figure out my life and give me some good news anyway it is just something I have been looking into...
Well life at mom's is crazy and I hate it there and always has unless John was there and then it was soso ok but he and I would have rathered been at his parents. I don't know I am lonely when they are gone but when they come home all they do is fight and bitch at me it has been like that for as long as I can remember and things havn't changed. It got so bad there this evening that I was going to take Alexis and go for a long walk just so I could get away and do something I hate the fact that I don't have my license so I am always stuck in Collina now and can't get a drive to go anywhere so that drives me crazy as well. Well I text John and told him I was leaving because I needed to get out and he convinced to come here. I thought really hard and diddecided to go for it because as he said I needed a break and it is true I did so I am at his parents' house once again. I really wish I could stay away but it doesn't seem to happen I always end up coming back.
well it is late and time for bed.....
G2G Bye!
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Mixed Up and Confused
Hey guys,
Well as you know John and I are not getting back together but I just really want him back I wish I could just wake up and realize this has been a really bad dream but in reality I know it hasn't...
As alot of ppl know I would do anything to have him back if it is tattoos and peircings he likes so be it I will get anything and do anything to my body as long as it made him happy. Now don't get me wrong he is happy now that he is not with me but I am so not happy I am very depressed and just wanting to give him full custody of Alexis because I really don't know what esle to do I really don't. I am so messed up and confused and frusterated with the way my life has turned out and it is all my fault and all I want to do is be able to fix it..... I just want to fix the pain I am feeling and the crushed heart I have and I really want to fix what John and I used to have but he doesn't want me so if he doesn't want me then who does??
I am still apartment hunting and having no luck of course ppl hear single mother and they turn you away, does ppl not know how much that hurts it isn't my fault I didn't asked him to do this to me to hurt me the way he has like when your baby's father looks at you one night and wishes you were dead how do you think that makes me feel was he not thinking and not caring that maybe I have feelings too that can be hurt??
Anyway I guess I am having a tough time with this breakup John was my one true love I just wasn't his I guess. I asked myself everyday what if? and what did I do so wrong that someone stops loving you just like that for 7 years and doesn't think twice about it and the next day he is with someone else that will never know and love him like I do yes i still love him how can I not i can't just forget and move on I really can't...
I can't eat, sleep nothing life is just not the same without John and it won't be because I was used to having someone to sleep with and cuddle at night and I don't have that anymore so it just upsets me more and makes me more depressed I just want him back I will change and let him do what ever he wants I just want to be with him and grow old with him and get married like he had put in my head can't this just be a really bad dream and I can wake up and realize that I was just dreaming I still have my soul mate why can't I just do that???
I am so mad at the world and my life, my stupidity, my everything I am just so mad at the way it turned out and how I feel all the time. I just want it all to go away I just want the hurt the broken heart to especially go away but like I said and will continue saying only John can fix that one...
G2G Bye!
Well as you know John and I are not getting back together but I just really want him back I wish I could just wake up and realize this has been a really bad dream but in reality I know it hasn't...
As alot of ppl know I would do anything to have him back if it is tattoos and peircings he likes so be it I will get anything and do anything to my body as long as it made him happy. Now don't get me wrong he is happy now that he is not with me but I am so not happy I am very depressed and just wanting to give him full custody of Alexis because I really don't know what esle to do I really don't. I am so messed up and confused and frusterated with the way my life has turned out and it is all my fault and all I want to do is be able to fix it..... I just want to fix the pain I am feeling and the crushed heart I have and I really want to fix what John and I used to have but he doesn't want me so if he doesn't want me then who does??
I am still apartment hunting and having no luck of course ppl hear single mother and they turn you away, does ppl not know how much that hurts it isn't my fault I didn't asked him to do this to me to hurt me the way he has like when your baby's father looks at you one night and wishes you were dead how do you think that makes me feel was he not thinking and not caring that maybe I have feelings too that can be hurt??
Anyway I guess I am having a tough time with this breakup John was my one true love I just wasn't his I guess. I asked myself everyday what if? and what did I do so wrong that someone stops loving you just like that for 7 years and doesn't think twice about it and the next day he is with someone else that will never know and love him like I do yes i still love him how can I not i can't just forget and move on I really can't...
I can't eat, sleep nothing life is just not the same without John and it won't be because I was used to having someone to sleep with and cuddle at night and I don't have that anymore so it just upsets me more and makes me more depressed I just want him back I will change and let him do what ever he wants I just want to be with him and grow old with him and get married like he had put in my head can't this just be a really bad dream and I can wake up and realize that I was just dreaming I still have my soul mate why can't I just do that???
I am so mad at the world and my life, my stupidity, my everything I am just so mad at the way it turned out and how I feel all the time. I just want it all to go away I just want the hurt the broken heart to especially go away but like I said and will continue saying only John can fix that one...
G2G Bye!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)