Lonely...

Hey guys,

I havn't posted for a while so I thought I would and let you guys all know how I am doing. I have my days but lately all I feel is lonely bc I miss Jon more than he will ever know.

I need him right now and I wish he would see that everyday I seem to get more and more depressing news about my family. I wish he was there to help me through this because this isn't easy and I am not ok I know this now. My grandfather is dying of heart and lung problems and it is only a matter of time he will be 76 next month so he has live a good life I just can't imagine life without him that is all and it is hitting me hard and I love my grandparents and all I think about is my poor grandmother what she must be going through right now. My dad is 50 and he had cancer but they got rid of it as far as we know but my sister Amanda and I were talking and there is something he isn't telling us and it is bothering both of us, but we have been putting the pieces together and that is why we think something is wrong again. My father doesn't like Jon and well for some reason when I called him the other day he appolgized for everything bad he has said about him and said he wants to see me happy and he knows Jon was the one that made me happy and even my dad knows this and he is right and him and I were talking as well and I said I wanted to be with Jon and yes I said I know you will be dissappointed in me and he says no I want to see you happy that is important to me is you being happy and if Jon does that than that is good all I really care about is my girls being happy. I was like wow that is a huge step for my dad to come out and say that to me and then all he has been telling Amanda is for her to come do the book work and to make sure someone knows how to do it in case something happens and for her to be happy as well.

I am so lonely I don't want to face these things alone but yet I somehow have to, how I am not sure yet because Jon has always been there for me he was a great shoulder to cry on and omg his hugs were amazing and just the way he held me so close to him I miss all that and I am going to continue to miss all that from Jon why I don't know I just will.

Anyway that is all because I am too upset to write anymore tonight I just wish Jon would open his eyes and realize I loved him for who he was that is what made him so special and why I love him so much. I just wish I had him and he was here telling me everything is going to be ok.

G2G Bye!

Holding on....

Hey guys,

Well things have changed yet again and this time they are not good I miss Jon like crazy but, like Tami pointed out if he wanted me than he would be with me and not her so ya that is true it hurt hearing that and that was a big eye opener to me. I found alot alot of shit that I didn't even know it was true and it hurts alot to even know it. Such as he is the one that told her he loved her when he was still with me and here I thought it was the other way around this whole time thanks to Jon. He is the one that told everybody besides me that things were not going good and he really should have came to me instead of everyone else.

Our house is getting there but who knows if we will be able to move in or not by Christmas that was out goal. It has already been broken into and things have been stolen so that isn't good. We now have a door on the house that locks and Jon and mom and Clarence will be the only ones with the key so we will hopefully not be broken into again.

Alexis is doing good I don't have her a whole lot bc I have been quite sick lately and I am not sure why but my back hurts, my stomache, my head, I feel dizzy all the time and I just don't feel good at all. She isn't walking yet but she is still cruising and crawling lots so that is good. I can't wait to see her this Christmas which is just around the corner. I am letting her open all her presents by herself. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time but I don't think it will be happy for me I have a feeling it will be a lonely one because for 7 Christmas's I had someone to share it with and well this year I have my daughter but not her father and I would just like to spend Christmas with the 3 of us somewhere that would mean a whole lot to me. It isn't going to happen so I need to give up hope and do the best I can.

Well that is all for now I have a Dr. Appt today if I can find a drive and if not I will cancel it untill I can make it out there to Sussex. I have a hard time finding a drive when I need to be in Sussex because I live way out in the sticks lol. That is all for now I will update when I can.

G2G Bye!

Crazy...

Hey guys,

Well things have been so crazy and so hard to believe lately that all I can say it is still crazy lol. Alot has happened since my last post and I just wanted you all to know what exactly has been going on.

I went to PEI(Prince Edward Island) for the weekend and had such a fun time and got to see lots of ppl, the drive was boring but Jon texted me alot so that helped the time pass for sure and also I enjoyed talking to him and was happy that he actually wanted to talk to me it totally surprised me. I came back on Sunday well it was night time when I actually got back to Sussex so I was texting Jon and he told me to let him know when I was closer because he wanted me to spend the night at his parents' house so I did because he said he wanted to talk to me and well we had a good talk and it was nice to figure things out.

Anyway everything was good and we were enjoying ourselves and actually trying to figure out what went wrong and now that I know that and now that I have my closure I can move on.....he told me that 7 years is a long time to be with someone and he wasn't sure if that is what he wanted, so therefore he just needed a break and well I am understanding that part and ok about that. What I am not ok about it the way he
did things and went about them and he knows they were wrong they way he did it so that helps.

Anyway for now him and Tami are working out their problems I really feel jealous of her and I really envy her she has what I used to have,and what I want and not just Jon but I just want my family back together and my baby and me to be happy again. I don't maybe I am asking for too much I am really confused right now, but I do know that it hurts when I have Alexis and all she does is cry for me and that hurts ALOT that I feel like my baby doesn't love me I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do why I don't know I can't explain it.

I can't explain alot of things I just don't feel like myself it is a really horriable feeling.....like I am empty I feel no pain because I have been to much but yet I don't feel good physically, emotionally and mentally it is hard to explain but I just want it to all go away and that is why things have been crazy. It has been a good crazy and bad crazy all at once and I really just want to be happy again someday...

Anyway that is my update for now I took many attempts to type this and I have now completed it so I am happy about that. I am sorry it is messed up guys but right now my head is messed up lol.

G2G Bye!

I miss you...

Hey guys,

This one is for John...

I miss you

I miss everything about you, the way you hold me the way you loved me the way you kissed me, the way you gave me the silent treatment when you were mad at me which drove me bonkers lol.

I even miss the time you got mad at me and knocked out my front tooth I was 5 months pregnant but see I miss all the good and bad things about you call me crazy call me whatever but I miss you!

I just want you back more than anything I really don't understand why you left me and when I asked you all you tell me was you were stupid and well that isn't answer and doesn't help me out any. Can't you see that I screwed up and I know that now but I am willing to fix any problem you had with me and I want to try to make things work for Alexis please know this John that I am sorry!!

I love you and I just want you to hold me close to you again and that is all I want I just want you hun more than anything in this world I asked god everyday why he has done such a horriable thing everyday I pray and asked him this and well I still havn't gotton any answers so I am not sure what this all means.

When I asked you if we would ever have another chance you tell me to give you time and well I really need to know soon because everyone deserves a second chance and well I havn't gotton mine yet.

Anyway baby I just wanted you to know how much I miss you and love you and just want to be with you remember our song always.....In a real love!!!!

I wrote this blog to John and even though he may never read it I just wanted to get it off my mind but I really do miss him and care about him alot and I want him to know that what I have been through has not been easy but I am dealing with it the best way I know how to. That is all I have for now so I will stop typing for the night!

G2G Bye!

Hmmmm I don't know anymore.....

Hey guys,

Well I am not sure what to think or do anymore I miss John alot but I am tired of the bullshit that him and his gf has put me through. Everything was good untill she came back and then it all started yet again I was called a Bitch and I was told some nasty comments and I shouldn't have to put up with that. Since I am called a bitch so much I have decided to become one....that being said I am no longer paying for the jeep or giving him money or even talking to him I am done with him. I don't want to see him or hear from him again it will be hard because we have Alexis but I am trying to work around that issue.

Our house is coming along good, it is taking time but it is still coming. The boys have been working away on it but they can't come till noon now because Scott still has school and I told John that I didn't want him working there for them anymore so therefore that was hard to tell him that but whatever I had to do it so I did remember I am bitch after all!

Alexis is fine still not going to bed on time but if that is the only problem then hey that is ok. She has been talking up a storm it is so funny and all the little words she is saying it is crazy. Alexis can say "hi" 'bye" "cat" "mama" "dada" "nana" and lots more so that is good. I think she is doing really well with everything and her almost walking is exciting but sad at the same time.

Amanda and Josh are doing really good as to mom and Clarence are so I guess I am the only one not doing good but someday that will change and I will be doing good again I hope. Jess and Art are doing really good and I am more than happy for her she deserves a good guy just like everyone does.

Anyway I think that is all for now if I can I will update tomorrow but I don't know what the day will bring. I know for the weekend I am taking the baby to PEI so I am really excited about that. I have to go now talk to you all later.

G2G bye!

Almost back to normal...

Hey guys,

Well I have been doing good and will hopefully continue to do good. I have been happy and I had a really good busy weekend. John, Nick, Daniel, William, Rob, Scott, Mom, Clarence and I have all been working on our new house so now I say it is the house that love built so that is pretty cool. We want to be moved in by Christmas but we are not really sure if that is going to happen now or not, but time will tell I guess.

Wow I have had some time to do some thinking and I talked alot the other night when John and I went to town for a bit it was good I still havn't got that closure yet but I am now understanding alot more and still trying to figure things out and will continue to do so. I was honest with him and told him that I am not going to sit there and tell him that I don't want him back because that means I would be lying to him because I think everyone who knows me knows I just want what we used to have back sorry to say but I do. I finally got the guts and asked him a personal question about me I asked him since I was his 1st and he has slept with someone else now was I bad at sex and he said no I was good so that made me feel better about myself. I still like the fact that I have only slept with one guy I am not sure I just don't see myself having random sex with just anybody that would be kind of odd that is for sure. I texted John last night and said if him and Tami don't work out would he ever give me another chance and if it don't work then it don't work but hey it was at least another chance. He said he needed time so I told him I wanted to know soon because if he says yes then I will wait for him. I know you are probably thinking I am crazy and well maybe I am I don't know but I still love John and care about him alot. When working with him it takes all I got to not go up and just hug him as much as I want and miss his hugs I would never do that to him. I have realized that I havn't had any money lately but yet he got paid and bought me supper so that was nice of him and then he dropped me back off and helped Clarence bring in some wood we just got thankgod we needed wood! He left after that and that is when I texted him was on his way home. At the end of the night I said I was sorry for everything and he told me not to worry about it. So as I was saying I now know he is not using me for money so that is a good thing.

Alexis is almost walking it is crazy Diane(John's mom) brought her to the new house yesterday and there was our 1 year old standing all by herself I was like wow daddy(John) look at her! He was like walk to daddy and although she didn't it was still cute and she can actually stand for a few minutes all by herself as long as she isn't paying attention to what she is doing than she is fine. She is looking more and more like John everyday it is so hard to believe that she hasn't really changed her looks much just got bigger and her hair has gotton longer and she has gotton taller as well but other than that she still looks the same basically.

Jessica and Art are doing amazinly good and Jess is excited and scared at the same time to maybe become a step mother to Maddy and Tyra that is so excting and I am so beyond happy for her. I can understand where she is coming from being scared and all but I see her with Alexis and I know she will make an awesome mother someday. The 1st time she held Maddy was last weekend and she went right to sleep on her not alot of babies will do that unless they are comfy so that must tell you something Jess she is comfortable with you and you do wonderful with her.

Mom and Clarence are doing good they don't have alot of time to themselves but I think they are going to PEI next month for a weekend so that will be good for them. I love Clarence as a stepfather he is wonderful and amazing and so good to Amanda and I so that helps alot.

Amanda is my younger sister and I find it bad that she is 20 and I am 22 and I have only slept with one guy and she is now on her 3rd I think that is just bad well for me I mean not for her I am happy for Amanda and I hope her and Joss work out. Amanda and I get along pretty good maybe because she is never home I am not so sure but we talk and when I have gas money she will come get me but that doesn't happen very often lol.

Anyway I think that is everybody so I will update later and for now I have a room to clean ugggg!! Sorry but I despise cleaning my room always have always will lol.

G2G Bye!

Just thinking...

Hey guys,

Well I know it has been awhile since I last posted so I thought I would let you all know how I am doing. I must say that things were getting better but are back to the way they were and seem to be getting worst as the days go on.

Anyway I think I have realized that John only wants something to do with me when I have money so I am putting a stop to that I must say. It is going to make me feel bad but I can't sleep hurting myself like that I really can't.

Well as I was saying John and Tami are back together yet again I just don't understand how she seems to get that lucky god John didn't want to make things work for us but yet he wants to make it work for them and he believes her and then takes her back. I am so beyond confused about this one I just don't understand I really don't. All I am going to say is that Tami is soooooo lucky to have a great guy!!!!!

Anyway Alexis is doing great and someday I will be doing good too I hope that day comes real soon. What I need from John is closure if that is what you call it. I need to know what I did so wrong and so bad that it couldn't be fixed or even talked about that is what I need to know. I want to know this and for him to tell me because I need to move on but I am scared to because I don't want to screw up again like I did this time. Once I get this from him I know it will hurt but it will be good for me to know the truth and well the truth hurts and then I can finally heal from all the heartache and pain I have been feeling all this time.

That is all for now I should go and try to get a fire going. I am soooo cold and I hate the thought of winter this year lol. I am not sure what my plans are for the weekend but if you don't hear from me on the weekend then Monday I will update if I can.

G2G Bye!