Mixed Up and Confused

Hey guys,

Well as you know John and I are not getting back together but I just really want him back I wish I could just wake up and realize this has been a really bad dream but in reality I know it hasn't...

As alot of ppl know I would do anything to have him back if it is tattoos and peircings he likes so be it I will get anything and do anything to my body as long as it made him happy. Now don't get me wrong he is happy now that he is not with me but I am so not happy I am very depressed and just wanting to give him full custody of Alexis because I really don't know what esle to do I really don't. I am so messed up and confused and frusterated with the way my life has turned out and it is all my fault and all I want to do is be able to fix it..... I just want to fix the pain I am feeling and the crushed heart I have and I really want to fix what John and I used to have but he doesn't want me so if he doesn't want me then who does??

I am still apartment hunting and having no luck of course ppl hear single mother and they turn you away, does ppl not know how much that hurts it isn't my fault I didn't asked him to do this to me to hurt me the way he has like when your baby's father looks at you one night and wishes you were dead how do you think that makes me feel was he not thinking and not caring that maybe I have feelings too that can be hurt??

Anyway I guess I am having a tough time with this breakup John was my one true love I just wasn't his I guess. I asked myself everyday what if? and what did I do so wrong that someone stops loving you just like that for 7 years and doesn't think twice about it and the next day he is with someone else that will never know and love him like I do yes i still love him how can I not i can't just forget and move on I really can't...

I can't eat, sleep nothing life is just not the same without John and it won't be because I was used to having someone to sleep with and cuddle at night and I don't have that anymore so it just upsets me more and makes me more depressed I just want him back I will change and let him do what ever he wants I just want to be with him and grow old with him and get married like he had put in my head can't this just be a really bad dream and I can wake up and realize that I was just dreaming I still have my soul mate why can't I just do that???

I am so mad at the world and my life, my stupidity, my everything I am just so mad at the way it turned out and how I feel all the time. I just want it all to go away I just want the hurt the broken heart to especially go away but like I said and will continue saying only John can fix that one...

G2G Bye!